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Saturday, August 06, 2005
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 JENNA JAMESON IS BRAVER THAN YOU ARE
A while back I had the idea of writing profiles of my favourite porn stars. Indeed, I started with my all time favourite, the majestic Nikita Denise. That piece got virtually no reaction - even though I thought it was a scream - so I figured that you folks didn't give a shit. Not that this usually bothers me, but those profiles are harder to write than you'd think. If you do want more of the profiles, let me know either in the comments or by e-mail. Or not. Whatever. I tend to write whatever I wnt regardless of what you ungrateful bitches want. This happens to be why you all love me so.
Before I go any further, I should note that there are two types of faces in the industry. There's the "cock-hungry little whore" face that you immediately recognize as craving as many penises - for as many degenerate purposes - as humanly possible. These faces constitute precisely 97.3% (and yes, I DID do the math) of all adult actresses. You'll look a second time and frame a mariage proposal in your mind if you see such a woman on the street, but they're the norm in the business. Therefore, they're not all that special.
 Then we have what I call the "angel face", more commonly known as the "girl-next-door" look. When you see such a woman you intellectually know that she's a grown woman and has had toe curling sexual experiences, but she looks all of about 13 years old. When a man sees such a face, he is immediately reminded of his crush and of the deviant ways that he wanted to (or actually did) corrupt that specimen of girlhood. These thoughts never go away in men, however reluctant we are to admit it. Such feelings are wrong in ways that can't help but to feel right in anyone with testosterone pumping through their veins. This is why American Beauty was such a big hit and won all the Oscars. People with penises could relate to Kevin Spacey in ways that are otherwise considered socially unacceptable, if not felonious.
Needless to say, women with this look become superstars in the adult entertainment industry. Silvia Saint (link NOT work safe) is a good example of that face. The former Jenna Massoli, Jenna Jameson, exemplifies it. In her film Jenna's Revenge, there's a scene wherein Brad Armstrong is performing analingus on Jenna and she moans "God, yes, put your tongue in my ass." Seeing THAT face say THOSE words never fails to leave me with a sticky puddle that extends from my lower lip to my sternum. This is why Jenna Jameson is the biggest star in the entire history of pornography. Beyond her other obvious physical attributes (again, links NOT work safe), its her face that has made Jenna a massive celebrity. Actually, Jenna is much more than just a celebrity. Like all of my favourite people; Henry Kissinger, Wille Nelson, Keith Richards and Jack Nicohlson, Jenna Jameson is an icon. She transcends her medium.
And she's used that celebrity to make herself extraordinarily wealthy. It has been reported that Jameson was worth $24 million by the time she was 24 years old. Since them, she's started her own production company ClubJenna.com and is the only performer that I'm aware of that is also a very successful producer, which is where the serious money lies. Against all expectations, Jenna Jameson has turned out to be quite the little businesswoman. As such, she knows how to exploit an opportunity.
This is where Mike Tyson comes in.
It has been widely reported that the Erstwhile Heavyweight Champion of the World has been in dire financial straights for some years now. Not only was he able to plow through a reported $300 million, he managed to piss away an extra 40 million he didn't have. This is an exceptional accomplishment. Those you who know me are aware that I can be an extravagant spender. The surgery I'm planning to transform myself into a mirror image of Don Knotts is expected to cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yet I'm not sure that even I can go through cash like the former Champ. And since he's now being routinely beat up by men that my sister can take, boxing is unlikely to provide Iron Mike with his necessary revenue stream. Tyson is now in a position where he'll have to do anything to make his ends. In fact, as I write this, I'm pitching him a script to re-make the Odd Couple with OJ Simpson as Felix and Tyson as Oscar. Neil Simon can eat my balls, I'm a figgin' genius!
 The lovely Miss Jameson is riding to Mikes rescue with an offer of employment.
"I've talked to some people, I just talked to a gentleman named Jimmy, whose involved with Club Jenna, you know Jenna Jameson," said Tyson. "They said they were interested in getting me involved in that kind of business as well." Tyson doesn't proceed to announce a three-picture deal, but doesn't dismiss the notion, either.
Mike Tyson, the adult film actor? Crazy as it may sound, this could very well be the ticket. His real life offers endless elements for his future scripts to implement, sucking potential viewers in with a blend of fact, fiction, and the adult film industry's penchant for parodying high-profile films. If any athlete's gonna cross over, Tyson's the prime candidate.
Yikes. The possibilities here are endless. I don't mean the possibilities for scripts, but rather the potential for mayhem.
For those of you who are unaware of Tyson's history, I should point out that he's a convicted rapist. When he was paroled for that conviction he beat up the CAR of a motorist who cut him off in traffic. He once bragged to his trainer, Jose Torres that the best punch he ever threw was at his then wife, the spectacularly beautiful Robin Givens. He once threatened to "eat the children" of Lennox Lewis, despite the fact that Lewis is childless. Oh, and he's a cannibal. He once ate half the skull of Evander Hollyfield in front of an audience of millions. And he has a giant tattoo on his face, a rarity in porno.
Jesus Fucking God, who knows what could happen to Jenna if she hops in the sack with the beast that is Mike Tyson? This has the potential of being "extreme sex" at the finest. At mimimum, it is an example of "extreme capitalism." If you're anything like me, you're already calling Vegas for odds on whether Tyson bites her labia off during the cunnilingus scene.
On the other hand, Iron Mike probably has a cock that's bigger than my arm and a vocabulary that only be described as unique unto him. Then there's his voice, which makes one think of a Michael Jackson that can pound you into fucking dust. Even if disaster doesn't strike, the whole endeavour has the potential of being the funniest thing ever committed to tape. I'd be willing to pay several hundred dollars just for the straight feature. If they include the apocalyptic outtakes, rehearsal and "behind the scenes" footage, I'd gladly shell out thousands for that DVD.
However, despite my firm and abiding belief in Jenna Jameson's altruism, I'm still hoping that she turns out to be Don King with better tits and robs Tyson of his remaining dignity without letting him seeing a dime. That would be funny.
This really is a beautiful time to be alive, isn't it?
Special thanks to The Superficial - Because You're Ugly for the link.
PermalinkLabels: Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex, The Girls of Porn
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