MOST PEOPLE ARE WRONG: WHY ANGELINA JOLIE IS A MUCH BETTER WIFE THAN JENNIFER ANNISTONI'm almost ashamed to admit this in public, but there are the occassional days that I wake up and think that maybe the world isn't so horrible and perhaps, just perhaps, I'm the one with the attitude problem. Usually, this feeling passes by the time I get to work at 6:30 in the morning. By then I've usually seen about four examples of how crass, vulgar and exceptionally fucking stupid most people who aren't me are. And I should let you in on something else - It takes me less than hour to get to work and there aren't that many people using public transit at that hour. As the day passes, I see dozens of reasons why everybody sucks and, by the time I get home, I'm at peace with myself once again.
Basically, in the great Bruce Willis movie that is life, you're all Affleck and the Aerosmith guy's kid and I'm cheering for the asteroid. All of you except for
Princess Cat that is. Wanting to kiss her in all of her no-no places pretty much precludes my wanting to see her wholloped by a space rock. Besides, I think she's single now and ready for some Canadian mongloid lovin'.
Christ, how can you folks
not be charmed right out of you're panties by me? I'm such thrilling company. Besides, I'm given to doing stuff that'll make a woman laugh. Stuff like wearing her clothes. Girls, nothing will make you laugh quite like seeing my titanic schvantz popping out of the bottom of your sundress. Take my word for it.
I love women, even though I know I shouldn't if anything that has ever been printed in a women's magazine is even halfway true. Women's magazines go to impressive lengths to convince me that women aren't as bright as they think they are. In fact, the only people dumber than the women who read these magazines are the men who get interviewed or surveyed in them and actually tell the truth.
Guys, women in no way, shape or form want to hear the truth about which celebrities you want to fuck, okay? Seriously, letting a woman that you're actually fucking know that she isn't the only one you want to fuck couldn't be a worse idea. It makes no difference how unattainable that other woman is.
I'll give you an example. I've had a couple of girlfriends who stupidly asked me if I'd leave them if I could be with Salma Heyak. I, stupidly, told them the truth and said that I would
kill them to be with Salma Heyak.
Now, maybe the ridiculousness of the question didn't strike them at the time, but they didn't seem to find it as funny as I did. I really didn't think that they actually pictured Salma, somewhere in Los Angeles, looking at a picture of the Saddam beard on her monitor and sticking to her chair. I certainly didn't think that they considered the possiblity half as much as I did.
It turns out that women take being told that their lover would murder them to be with a Mexican actress with fantastic hooters less than well. In fact, I would hear about it months later. Thankfully, neither looked up from between my legs and said, "I'll bet Salma Heyak can't give a blowjob like that!" because I'm just stupid enough to say, "Well sure, okay. But you'd lose."
Anyhow, Cosmopolitan - that monument to female retardation -
just ran a poll asking men which celebrities they'd most like to schtup. Unsurprisingly, the winner turned out to be Angelina Jolie.
Cosmopolitan magazine polled 1,500 men to discover who their ideal sexual partners and perfect wives were.
Lara Croft star Jolie, 30, reportedly about to marry Brad Pitt, came top in a list of women they would like to sleep with, with 72% of the vote.
She was followed by former nurse turned Celebrity Love Island contestant Abi Titmuss, with 61%.
That's when I discovered that this poll is utter nonsense. The correct answer would be that Angelina Jolie comes in first through fifteenth. It probably doesn't help that I've never heard of Abi Titmuss before and know nothing about her other than she has a spectacular last name. So I could be wrong. I just really, really doubt it.
The only time that I've heard a (presumably) straight man speak of Angelina in less than idolotrous terms was
Dr. Reverend, who - about a month ago - told me that not only was she not sexy, Jolie had "ugly hands." I was shocked until I looked around and noticed that Mrs. Dr. Reverend was in the room. In my experience, there are only two types of men who comment on the sex appeal of a woman's hands - homosexuals and guy's whose wives are in the room.
Then the poll gets really silly.
Former Friends star Aniston, 36, was top of the marriage league, with 45% of the vote.
Cosmopolitan editor Sam Baker said: "Jennifer gives the impression she's homely and wants to settle down, which appeals to men.
"In terms of marriage, they still want to be looked after and have a sense that their partner isn't going to run off with someone else."
You couldn't find two more different broads than Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Anniston. Angelina Jolie strikes me as being the personification of sex itself and Jennifer Anniston just seems like a high-maintenance pain in the ass.
Which one do you picture being the most likely to say the following: "You know what I'd like to do today? I'd like you to take me out in the front yard and fuck me in the ass really hard as the neighbours watch."
And that, gentlemen, is the one you marry.
You don't have to believe me, just ask Brad Pitt. He's had both. Actually, he left one for the other. Wanna bet that one night, about a year ago, Anniston asked him, "Brad, would you ever leave me for Angelina Jolie if you could?" And guess what? He could and actually did. And while Brad gets to walk around wearing Angelina like a wedding ring, Jennifer's been reduced to denying that she's fucking a has-been like Vince Vaughn.
Not only is Anniston not the hottest woman in the world, she wasn't even the hottest woman on her show. And now that her show is off the air, I'm pretty sure that men around the world have pretty much stopped fouling Kleenex in her name. But Angelina will inspire wankery for years to come. Wanna know why? Five words - Billy Bob Thorton.
I'm better looking than Billy Bob, and if Jolie will marry him, who in the fuck is she turning away? Wearing a vial of Thorton's blood makes her attainable to ugly scumbags like me in a way that Jen never will be. And I don't have thirteen ex-wives and allegations of domestic violence in my past, either.
Okay, I won't lie to you. A lot of Jolie's appeal lies in the fact that she's howlingly crazy. Howlingly crazy is often sexy. And can you get crazier than starting your own Noah's Ark of adoptive children? She's like a Mia Farrow that I'd actually put my penis inside of. And unlike Mia Farrow, I doubt that Angelina would stoop as low as to bump uglies with Woody Allen. I also can't see Angelina having an adoptive kid so much hotter than she is that Woody Allen would leave her for the kid, either. Angelina Jolie is an Internationalist MILF - a
Wendell Willkie of poontang, as it were. And Jennifer Anniston wasn't even the hottest
Friend.I could go on for hours documenting how this poll is full of shit, but I'm feeling sick to my stomach, I need a drink and it's getting near my bedtime.
Night, teenagers.
Permalink
