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Friday, June 02, 2006
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 GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS
Thank God for my Beautiful Young Friend. Outside of being phone- sexalicious and the most perfect girl ever to walk on the ground I worship, she looks out for the best interests of both myself and Enjoy Every Sandwich. I have no idea why, but she really seems to think I have to talent and may not even think that I'm a degenerate loser. Sure, she's wrong and everything, but it still feels nice.
Maybe I shouldn't question these things so much. Perhaps I should just be happy in my dreams of serenading her with the entire Bryan Adams catalogue for the rest of our lives. Yes, she cuts like a knife, and no, it couldn't feel more right. The repeated na-na's would merely belabor the point, and I'm far too classy for that.
On the other hand, I haven't subjected my Beautiful Young Friend's affections to the utimate test - shaping my facial hair so that I look just like Frank Zappa. If she can withstand that level of sexy, then she is indeed the Ultimate Woman. Who else would have anything to do with a man who wants to look like Frank Zappa?
But look out for me my Beautiful Young Friend does. She knows what a struggle this blog is, being less a compendium of my own experiences and feelings than a freakish collection of bizarre, horrifying and amusing occurrances that we can all learn from as a society and better ourselves with individually. This drivel hardly writes itself. In fact, it not infrequently takes hours of research. Since I'm now paying attention to things like spelling and grammar, there are also numerous revisions and edits, even after a piece has been posted for you to read. That all of this seems effortless to the average reader is a testimonial to what a powerful failure I am, both as a writer and as a man.
From time to time, I require some assissence in coming up with things to write about, and my Beautiful Young Friend has been invaluable in this regard. I think that you all owe her a great debt. Without her, you wouldn't know to properly fear the Hatachi Magic Wand. Nor would you be aware of my ability to cure the hiccups. Without my Beautiful Young Friend, I would know nothing of the lucrative career that awaits me. Not only is she the greatest muse of my life, she also serves as a literary aide from time to time. Also, my Beautiful Young Friend has inspired a near-constant and almost painful erection for the better part of five months now.
It should go without saying that I was proud and pleased when my Beautiful Young Friend drew my attention to this website that was reported on in Thursday's New York Times.
My female readers likely have something of a passing familiarity of certain men's willingness to lie to get to laid. This causes the smart ones to be highly suspicious of a gentleman caller, even when no reason for suspicion exists. I have had no fewer than two lady friends be suspicious of my marital status (which is, and always has been, single.) That one of them waited several weeks to let me know that she herself was married remains one of the great ironic episodes of my life.
Some women are suspicious, and with very good reason. Others, however, are just very, very stupid. Some women will believe virtually anything, if for no other reason than they want to. These women more than make up for their overly paranoid sisters (also known as the ones I usually wind up with) and leave a little left over for me to mock. You could come up with the most inbelievable story in human history and they will buy it. Don't feel like calling her the day after a date? No matter. Just tell her that you were sidetracked slaying dragons. Not only will such a woman believe you, she'll offer to make you a snack. Because she knows that dragon slaying is hungry work.
Take Pam Brown, the heroine of our story, as an example. She fell for some pretty tall tales. Worse still, she learned the truth about said tall tales from that Great Bastion of Truth, Al Gore's Internet.
Richard S. Kudlik enjoyed regaling his girlfriend with tales of his life as a United States marshal: of his dangerous assignments hunting fugitive criminals and of being so close to Hillary Rodham Clinton that she would request that he and his team provide for her security on certain occasions.
He would show up at her Long Island home with his gun and badge, Pam Brown recalled yesterday, wearing his blue raid jacket with "U.S. Marshal" emblazoned across the back. The license plate on his pickup truck read, "OFF2HUNT," and there was a United States marshal sticker on the windshield.
But after they had been dating for eight months, Ms. Brown said, Mr. Kudlik told one story too many, and what turned out to be his fictional life as a federal law enforcement officer quickly unraveled.
Ms. Brown set up a Web site last month to expose Mr. Kudlik as a 43-year-old heating and ventilation worker from Port Jefferson who is married and has two teenage children. She then reported him to the Marshals Service -- as did several others, according to the agency -- and he was arrested on Tuesday on charges of having a counterfeit marshal badge, a misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in prison.
Wow. How would you like to be interviewed by the New York Times about your ex, and having nothing to say for yourself but, "Well, he had a jacket and a sticker on his car. How should I know?"
 But Ms. Brown is special. Special in the way that they have different buses for in school. Instead of attempting to maintain some dignity by rebuking herself for her gullibilty in private, she did what almost no one with any self-respect would do; she set up a website. In case you were wondering, the culture of victimization remains in full flower. Thanks, Oprah! Where would we be without you?
You can read Pam's story in full here. But, be warned, if you read this at work, your co-workers may wonder why you're giggling like a retard. To the right is a picture of Mr. Kulik enjoying a laugh at some of the things that Ms. Brown is willing to believe without question. Also, the picture reveals why she believed he was a U.S Marshal. He is wearing a hat indoors. The Department of Justice inists that all of their agents do this, so they can tell who's who when things get hairy.
Some of you might feel sorry for Pam. Rest assured that you don't feel half as sorry for her as she does. Her mental anguish is apparent in the destruction of her grammar.
He will say or do anything to get what he wants. LADIES BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't get caught in his trap! He is probably dangerous!!! He does carry a gun sometimes along with a US Marshall badge. I would not trust him!!! If you meet him run in the other direction and NEVER look back. The man is a sick lying psychopath and needs to be locked up. In my opinion he Mentally Rapes women - he takes away our right to choose who we are with because none of us knew who he really is!!!!!!!!!!!
It appears that Pam fell out of love with commas and apostrophes around the time she fell out of love with Rick. However, she is in the midst of a torrid affair with exclamation points. They seem very happy together.
If nothing else, Ms. Brown is nursing her broken heart with overwrought rhetoric. Her concept of "Mental Rape" is certainly interesting though, predicated as it is on "taking away our right to choose." Like many victims, Pam fails to understand that rights are often accompanied by responsibilities. If one is irresponsible enough to believe implausible nonsense, it then follows that one's "right to choose" is not "taken away" as much as it is surrendered. For example, if you buy magic beans, you cannot later claim to have been defrauded. Exploiting the stupid is impolite, but hardly a felony.
As someone who has been Mentally Raped (see the above-noted married woman who accused me of having undisclosed nuptuials), I should think that Pam would have at least learned from the trauma. I sure did. What did I learn, you ask? I learned that I shouldn't have worn that trust. It clashed with my optimism. Also, I learned that I was asking for it. Blind love, I found, is much like a dark alley, best avoided if you don't know the horrors that await you there.
All Pam learned was that she can humiliate herself further by sharing her story with like-minded misery exhibitionists. Furthermore, she may have been further taken in by another person claiming to work for the U.S Marshal's Service.
Impersonation of a federal officer is a federal felony under 18 USC 912. The possession of a real or fake police badge may violate 18 USC 701 and/or 18 USC 716. If you believe that someone is impersonating a federal officer, you should contact your local FBI office.
XXXXXXXXXX - name protected for privacy reasons.
Associate General Counsel
U.S. Marshals Service
Now, as my regular readers will tell you, I'm a pretty weird guy with some bizarre hobbies. These hobbies include, but are not limited to, checking federal statutes to see if someone is full of shit or not.
Here is 18 USC 912, that Mr/Mrs. XXX cited, as outlined in the Department of Justice's Criminal Resource Manual.
Section 912 defines two separate and distinct offenses. The offenses are impersonation coupled with acting as such and impersonation coupled with demanding or obtaining something of value in such pretended character. False personation of an officer or employee of the United States is an element of both offenses.The Criminal Division's recommendation is that generally in situations which involve the impersonation of a federal officer or employee, coupled with an application for credit, registration for lodging, cashing of a personal check or some other similar act, prosecution should not be initiated under the second part of 18 U.S.C. § 912 unless the subject has also pretended to be acting under color of federal authority or has expressly or implicitly suggested that the valuable thing demanded or obtained was necessary for the performance of his official duty. The basic procedure to follow when deciding whether to prosecute such cases under the second part of 18 U.S.C. § 912 is to determine whether the benefit is purported to run to the federal government or to the federal employee in his capacity as a private citizen. In the case of the latter, there should be no prosecution under the second part of 18 U.S.C. § 912. The alternatives to prosecution under the first part of 18 U.S.C. § 912 are prosecution under 18 U.S.C. § 701, § 702, and action by state and local authorities.
In deciding whether a false personation case warrants prosecution under the first part of 18 U.S.C. § 912, it should be noted that the distinctive element of the offense under the first part of 18 U.S.C. § 912 is acting as the officer impersonated. This element requires something more than a mere false pretense. There must be some additional overt act in keeping with the pretense. Absent an overt act which is distinguishable from the pretense, prosecution under the first part of 18 U.S.C. § 912 should not be undertaken.
Therefore, when presented with a situation in which a subject has pretended to be a federal officer or employee but has not performed an overt act which is distinguishable from the pretense itself, or has demanded or obtained credit, lodging or some similar benefit but has not pretended to be acting under color of federal authority and has not expressly or implicitly suggested that the valuable thing demanded or obtained was necessary for the performance of his official duty, consideration should be given to referring the matter to state and local authorities for their action, rather than initiating an 18 U.S.C. § 912 prosecution.( Emphasis mine
This is pretty important. The statute cited by "the Associate General Counsel" requires a whole lot more than his or her e-mail to Pam suggests. Specifically, it requires that Kudlik pretended that he was a Marahal " coupled with an application for credit, registration for lodging, cashing of a personal check or some other similar act." Further, he also would have had to suggest that whatever he sought is"necessary for the performance of his official duty."
Somehow, I doubt that Rick's saying "give me a blowjob or Hillary doesn't get protected." cuts it under any sane statutory application.
18 USC 716 refers specifically to "interstate commerce" and says so repeatedly in the statute. It is telling that Rick Kudlick wasn't charged under 18 USC 912 or 18 USC 716. It appears that he was charged with violating 18 USC 701, which as the Times points out, is a misdemeanor, not a felony.
I'm a Canadian who can barely tie his own shoes, and I figured the statutes in question out. It took me about half an hour to find them, read them, and apply them to the circumstances of this case. Is it too much to suggest that the Associate General Counsel of the U.S Marshal's Service would know his own department's guidlines at least as well as I do? Or is Pam being taken yet again by someone claiming to work for the Marshals? She does love a man in uniform, doesn't she?
By the way, as a former first lady, Senator Clinton is protected by the Secret Service and not the U.S Marshals. As a matter of fact, the Marshals almost never protect members of Congress.
Young Rick is pretty swinish and not particularly creative at it. I'm not inclined to defend anything that he's done. On the other hand, Brown implies, or states without source, that he did things that there is no evidence of. Her friend, the "Associate General Counsel" stated that he "may" have violated three federal laws, but even the most rudimentary of readings reveals that two of those laws do not apply. Not even slightly.
In her introduction, Pam also heavily implies that Kudlik is potentially violent, although nothing in her association of "several years" with him indicates that. Noting that he is a "psychopath" who "does carry a gun sometimes" and imploring women to "run in the other direction and NEVER look back" implies that he's a violent felon, as opposed to a duplicitious douchebag.
This, of course, is all compiled with anonymous e-mails that Pam probably did nothing at all to verify. After all, this is the same woman who lived with the blissful impression that her boyfriend was a U.S Marshal. And single. Something tells me that her verification skills are somewhat lacking.
My guess is that Ricky cops a plea to the federal charges and does no time. Then, assuming he has half a brain, he looks into a libel action against Pam.
But this story wouldn't be complete without Pam telling us all just how altrusitic she is. This is how she put it to the Times;
"I didn't do any of this to get even with him," said Ms. Brown, a Web designer from Mattituck. "I did it because women need to be made aware that you have to be careful, and that even the best can turn out to be losers."
How dare you, or anyone else, suggest that Pam Brown is bitter? She' s on a mission to protect other women. And there's nothing sweeter than seeing a woman look out for her sisters. Mostly because it's so rare.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Creeps Like Me By: Lyle Lovett From: I Love Everybody
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