 THE ADVENTURES OF ELIOT & THE MAGICAL WHORE
By now I'm sure that everyone has heard about the misunderstanding New York governor Eliot Spitzer's penis had with a prostitute in Washington last month.
I was at work last night reading Charles Bukowski's Women, which I recommend everyone do, when a woman who knows of my demented love of politics ran up and breathlessly told me that it was Michael Bloomberg that had been ensnared in the Emperors Club ring. I was immediately interested, not just because of the political implications, but also because Bloomberg is so short and odd looking.
When the woman at work later returned with a print-out of the story, I learned instead that Spitzer had been implicated and I immediately fell in love with the story. This is because I hate Spitzer with all of my black little heart.
I've hated Spitzer for years, as a matter of fact. Long before he was the most ineffective governor in New York history, he was the congenitally evil Attorney General. As AG, Spitzer was famous for prosecuting Wall Street corruption. A reasonable person can even believe that only if they hold an almost Clinton definition of the word "prosecution."
You see, Spitzer had very few convictions. As a matter of fact, almost none of his white collar cases went to court. Also, the majority of them didn't even involve violations of any criminal statute as much as they did business practices that Spitzer didn't like.
How then did Spitzer get so many powerful people and corporations to roll over for him? That's simple. These were almost universally publicly traded companies. Do you know what the public threat of an indictment does to stock prices? Now imagine what it does to that price over the course of months or years. In the end, its easier to just hand over hundreds of millions of dollars to Spitzer than it is to destroy a company completely.
I don't recommend you try this at home. If you don't happen to have a badge, the pratice is commonly known as extortion.
Any amount of reading about young Eliot shows that there isn't such a thing as a difference of opinion or policy with the governor. Everything is personal and everything is war. Well, that war was brought to Spitzer's doorstep yesterday in the form of a "petite, very pretty brunette, 5 feet 5 inches, and 105 pound" whore named Kristen.
And this is a war Spizer cannot survive. He'll be gone from our lives by the end of the week and quite possibly by the end of business today.
This isn't like the Clinton impeachment, if only because the governor is completely without friends in Albany. His first year in office was so devoted to antagonizing everyone, including even his own party, that no one is going to sully their credibility running to his defence. And you cannot survive on your own under those circumstances. Young Eliot's finished forever.
In way, sex scandals are a retarded and uniquely American thing to end a career over. You don't see this sort of thing anywhere else in the world, and you certainly don't see it with the frequency you see it in the United States. Barring some kind of official corruption, politicians are embarrased by sex scandals, but they generally survive them.
I also don't think that prostitution is all that big a deal. Like drugs, most of the harm caused by the practice is due to criminalization. Most of Europe and Austraila has the right idea about and we in North America are wrong.
On the other hand, this is Eliot Spitzer we're talking about, so I'll take it. Not only will I watch him dangle, I'll dance around the corpse with no small measure of glee.
Where I sympathize with the governor is the financal burden he has borne throughout this and what he got in return. As you've probably read, Spitzer's Valentine's Eve tryst with Kristen set him back some $4,300. What happened next is an outrage.
Later, the agent told "Kristen" that the client would "ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe -- you know -- I mean that ... very basic things. ... 'Kristen' responded: 'I have a way of dealing with that. ... I'd be like, listen dude, you really want the sex?' ... You know what I mean.'" By "you might not think is safe", I can only assume that Spitzer wanted some buttsecks. Probably some ass to mouth play, which is something that all loving relationships should entail. Obviously, Kristen is not only a whore, but a cold-hearted one to boot.
I don't think I'm out of line to suggest that for almost five grand you should be something of a daredevil. For that kind of money, Spitzer should have been able to push her out of an airplane. For ten thousand dollars, he should be able to take away her parachute. I don't think I'm being unreasinable here. Five thousand dollars is a lot of money for a single hour.
Having said that, there's always the likelihood that I'm wrong. This is after all Kristen the Magical Whore. We're talking about a girl with the power to take the most powerful man in America's third largest state and making his career and family disappear.
And by the end of this, Eliot Spitzer's going to wish that Kristen sawed him in half.
Picture lovingly stolen from the Ace of Spades HQ
Easy Listening recommendation of the Day: Little Bit of Whore By: Johnny Thunders From: Jet Boy: The Anthology
PermalinkLabels: Fun With Politics, Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex, The Academy of Gentlemanly Studies
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