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Saturday, September 13, 2003
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THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER SAW (Note to People I Actually Know: You've Heard this Story Before. Several Times)
In July of 1987, my friend Richard turned 18. Richard is, to this day the sweetest, most innocent guy I've ever met. He was a sweetheart. Richard is Guyanese, maybe 5'5 at the time and looked like he was maybe 12. Not suprisingly, he had never been to a strip club before, I had. Despite Ontario's 19 drinking age (and my being 17 at the time), I had gained extensive experience in both bars and peeler joints over the previous two years. So I decided that Richard needed to see naked women gyrate on a pole. Richard, while ecstatic at the propositon had some reservations.
"But, but....I look young. What if I don't get in?"
"You'll get in, Rich, don't worry. The secret is to walk in like you belong there. If you look nervous, you're fucked. Just follow me." This was easy for me to say, you couldn't see my face to tell how old I was for all the hair.
"Okay."
So we go.....and walk right past the bouncer. I was impressed. Even I wasn't sure I could Richard into a peeler, he did look like he was 12 after all. It was then that I understood the power of my own understanding of "bouncer psychology".
I had decided that since Richard had never been to a strip club before, he needed the FULL experience. So I seated us at "pervert's row". Pervert's Row, as some of you will know, are the stools set up at the bottom of the stage with a small lip that protrudes, upon which you can rest your drink and ashtray. For all intents and purposes, if you're in Pervert's Row you ARE onstage. Thankfully, it was a Tuesday night and quiet enough to get a seat on Perverts Row.
Another benefit of it being a Tuesday night is that it was the "Raincoat Crowd" in attendance. The Raincoat Crowd are the lonely, middle-aged business men who hope for a serruptitious handjob and not mess up their suits. A Friday or Saturday night crowd is famously obnoxious and puts the strippers on the defensive. Plus they would've scared Richard. I patted my own back for Richard's wisdom in having his birthday on a Tuesday that year. Go me! Things were coming together.
It turned out that we came in just before the "Feature Entertainer" of the week, one Farah Fox, Miss Nude Philidelphia. There is a decided difference between most house strippers and features. House strippers will wander around and do a "snatch flash" every couple of minutes. Features are all about audience participation. Farah Fox went the extra mile. As a matter of fact, there was one member of the audience she seemed downright fascinated with. Who might that be, you ask? The 12-year-old-looking-Guyanese kid. Richard. This was going to be good.
Miss Fox came out in a nurse's outfit, which is standard. Little did I know the dark possibilities that could come of it and their consequences on Richard's heretofore unspoiled innocence. Then her top came off. It turned out that she liked Richard. A lot. Farah got on her knees on the stage and, resting her elbows on the lip if the stage, took Richard's beer between her breasts.....and fed him some. Richard nearly choked on the beer.
Then Nurse Fox's skirt came off. She wasn't wearing panties. The immodesty! Farah stood on stage wearing nothing but a stethascope. Well, she wasn't standing long. She was soon sitting on the lip of the stage in front of Richard. The earpieces of the stethascope went into Richard's ears and she procedeed to ensure that Richard knew that she was "healthy", albeit in an area that a stethascope isn't usually used to determine. Richard looked like his eyes were about to pop out of his fucking head.
The lovely Miss Fox proceeded to prance about some more then returned to Richard. She returned to our area of the stage and sat in front of Richard, legs akimbo. Then she took Richard's cigarette and smoked it.....with an orfice not commonly associated with tobacco use. And then she blew rings!. Smoke Rings! It was the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen!
Up until this point I had been laughing. Mostly at Richard's facial expressions. But once I saw those rings, I lost all control. I was chuckling at first but then I looked around at the Raincoat Crowd.....and they were turned on! By a woman smoking a cigarette with her snatch! And blowing rings! Now, I was hysterical You couldn't hear the music in the club (The Bermuda Triangle in Toronto, now sadly dufunct) for my laughing.
I should explain this. During the whole "smoke gets in your eyes" bit, all I could picture was this woman having this idea, "Hey, I know what I'll do....I'll smoke a cigarette with my pussy! Then I'll blow rings!!! I was amazed by the originality of this thought. Then I thought "This can't be a talent that comes naturally. This must take rehearsal." Then I pictured this beautiful woman in a room (presumably alone), in front of a mirror (presumably)....rehearsing this. Getting it perfect. Getting it ready for the public. And the more I thought about it, the more hysterical my laughter became.
I was afraid that I was going to get us thrown out. That's how loud my laughter was.
After her show, Miss Fox left the stage and cleaned up. Then she went out onto the floor and sat with me and Rich. Rich was still awestuck and couldn't speak much. Farah seemed intrigued by my reaction to her act. I told her what I just told you in the above paragraph. She just looked at me, smiled and said "I like your sense of humour."
That was almost 17 years ago and I'll never forget it. But I still have one question.
I presume that Farah Fox has since retired and if she quit smoking......where did she put the patch?
Currently Reading: "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate"-Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I Masturbated Today: 1 ( I slept late, I had to play with my nephew and I had a lot to write. Now I'm drinking. But I'll wank before midnight, promise!)
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