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Tuesday, May 16, 2006
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 LIFESTYLE COLUMNISTS AREN'T VERY SMART
Ever since I first learned to read at the tender age of 26, I've been very dilligent about not reading the "lifestyle" columnists in the many newspapers I go through each and every day. "Lifestyle" columns evolved from what used to be advice columns, except there are no hilarious questions answered. Advice columns I could live with, because they were nothing more than stupid people asking other stupid people what to do with their lives, and were therefore giggle-inducing.
At some point, the newspapers must have realized that most of the readership of advice columnists consisted of people like me who took great glee in watching idiots interact. Since newspaper editors and columnists are generally self-important morons who don't appreciate being comedy fodder for people like me, they reduced the idiot ratio by 50% and the "lifestyle" column was born. This is yet another example of the liberal elites fucking with the fun in my life.
However, newspaper editors are a crafty bunch, so from time to time, they'll come up with a headline that they know that I cannot overlook. Often times, this headline will be something along the lines of "Taking a Finger Up Your Ass: Does it Make You a Fairy?" They do this knowing that I, and everyone like me, cannot help but read further to find out if they're fairies. The bastards.
One of the more popular newspapers where I live is the Toronto Sun. As a tabloid, it is the perfect paper to read on the subway. Also, it rarely uses words consisting of more than two syllables, making the preferred news outlet for those readers who found the third grade problematic. Knowing that basic literacy is the greatest hurdle in the way of reaching its prime demographic, it also has a daily display of semi-dressed females for people like me who care nothing of the world, but care a great deal about about the pubic grooming habits of hot chicks.
The Sun employs a lifestyle columnist named Valerie Gibson, who primarily writes about what getting laid is like when you're a 100 years old. Gibson is a self described "cougar." A cougar is a female senior citizen who prowls bars looking for young men to fuck. This is achieved by dressing like the girls who populated music videos in 1987 and acting similiarly slutty. As you might imagine, I can't say enough good things about cougars as they make life much easier for everyone.
 On the other hand, Gibson is a redhead. Obviously, this makes her evil beyond words. The good people of Salem, Massachusetts had a few opinions about redheads and all of them were more correct than even they understood. Anyone who has dated a redhead will verify both that, and the utility of a bonfire in breaking up with one. Actually, I shouldn't say that because some of my readers are young and impressionable. Burning a woman at the stake involves planning and supplies, and the presence of a bundle of wood and a can of kerosene might make her suspicious. Besides, drowning works just as well.
For a cougar, Gibson is surprisingly good at provoking my outrage. Indeed, she managed to do so just today with this column. The column is titled "The question of sex on a first date." Not knowing that any such questions weren't resolved years ago, I had to read on. Gibson, shockingly for a cougar, seems to think some outstanding. More amazingly still, she seems to think that sex on the first date isn't a wholly positive thing.
Sex on a first date? No way!
Or so say relationship experts, and most singles.
Okay, let's be truthful. There's a heck of a lot of single men who hope for that lucky strike, especially if the guy's done nothing but sit holding a remote for the past six months. But most women determine to stick by the general dating rule -- if you have sex on the first date, there probably won't be another date.
It should go without saying that most relationship experts are vicious jackals and craven fools, seeking only to profit from your personal pain. Furthermore, I should think that most of them are in successful relationships. While most relationship experts are every bit as horse-faced and dimwitted as Sarah Jessica Parker, few are as good at getting dumped on their asses. On the other hand, I'm rather good at it. I know everything about failed relationships that's worth knowing. Accordingly, the only relationship expert you should listen to is me.
I haven't been with a woman since New Year's Day, but I resent the implication that I've "done nothing but sit holding a remote for the past six months." It's only been five. And I only "hold the remote long enough to get what I want to see. Then I put it down and resume holding myself.
And Valerie is incorrect in her belief that sex on the first date precludes a second. If the sex is adequate or better, a second date is a virtual certainty. The one who vetoes the second date is almost always the woman.
Following the no-sex-right-away rule also assumes both parties are looking for an ongoing situation, a date or a relationship or whatever passes for one these days. And every single out on safari in the dating jungle these days knows that may not necessarily be where it's at -- for either sex.
Of course, this assumes that both parties are over fourteen years old. For the purposes of my disagreement with Ms. Gibson, I'm assuming that we're discussing adults here.
Gibson, like a number of people (most commonly known as Divas) frequently mistake fucking for a relationship. You can fuck someone you hate, but being in a relationship with such a person is a trick best left to professionals. Or married people.
 Actually, it has been my experience that sleeping with people you don't particularly like is often better than sleeping with those you do. This allows one to practice and experiment with new moves and techniques. Foremost is the Donkey Punch. As you might imagine, the Donkey Punch is not something you introduce into a committed relationship until you have it perfected. The Love of Your Life will think you less than fully "into"her if you do. And don't for a second think that her friends will tell her just that However, the Donkey Punch requires practice and casual dating is precisely the way to get that practice.
So, for those who know, sex on a first date can actually be hotter than a car hood on an August day.
First date sex on the hood of car on an August day is best of all. Better still if you're not on the bottom. But everybody knows that!
Reckless, yes, not smart, yes, immature, maybe, but, hey, it can also be very stimulating, erotic, exciting and gap-fillingly satisfying.
To say nothing of fun. And a great story for your blog. Unless of course most of the women you've enjoyed first date sexery with are readers of said blog. Then it gets complicated. Complications are less than amusing. Particularly when those complications know your address and home phone number.
Lust for lust's sake in other words, and if both parties have that kind of chemistry reaction and are in agreement, well surely it's their lives and their decision?
If you assume that both partners are adults, yes. That is sort of what being an adult is all about.
And I hate to break this to anyone who doesn't know better, but "lust for lust's sake" is the very best kind. Sure, you can follow your lustful impulses in a long-term relationship, but no good can come of it. If there's a Dirty Sanchez mishap with a beloved, it will assuredly result is a very uncomfortable breakfast. And shame and anger are things best left for lunch. Don't ask me how I know that, just know that I do. If such a mishap occurs with someone you just met, well, you have a great story to tell your friends and grandchildren!
Of course, such an encounter can often, but not always, mean regrets later, so it's not something you should get into if you're feeling vulnerable or want to invest your emotions in that person.
 Having regrets later is usually a sign that you had a pretty good time. Most grown-ups know that. And if I can offer a single piece of advice to my younger readers, it would be this; avoid investing your emotions in anyone. Ever! Emotional investments are the single surest way to not get any more first-date sex. Emotions are a huge pain the ass and best left at the bar where you first met the filthy little slut. Just trust me and you'll thank me for it later.
Like most advice givers, Dennie Hughes, relationships columnist for USA Weekend Magazine (USAweekend.com), is adamant that you should never have sex on a first date.
She says online: "Having sex on a first date doesn't make you a bad person, but every single person I've ever spoken with who did the deed, and then never heard from his or her date again, always felt like one.
Firstly, USA Today is a national version of the Toronto Sun. Yes, it's all colourful and pretty, but if you read it to actually learn something, not only are you a dolt, you're very probably a bad person and deserve to feel like one.
 Secondly, if you have sex on the first date and never hear from that person again, it is for one reason and one reason alone -- you were a lousy fuck and should have your genitals removed immediately. Only once in the last decade did I wait for the second date to get laid. Actually, it was the third, and was I ever pissed off! Dinner doesn't just buy itself, you know! The only time I didn't see the woman again was because she was pissed at her boyfriend and needed a hearty hate fuck to calm down. So I gave her one. Aren't I helpful? Needless to say, that was my greatest birthday ever!
First, there's the feeling of being used, especially for women, even if there is a second date. And men often hold a double standard: If he really likes her, he can actually feel disappointed she was so quick to hit the sheets."
Ladies, if there's one thing you need to know about men, it's that we love to work really, really hard for pussy. That's why the prostitution and single's bar industries never really took off. If you fuck us right away, the disappointment might just make us cry. And nothing's worse than a crying man.
Gibson then goes on to cite a bunch of polls that prove the people really like fucking people they just met even though the "experts" and Sarah Jessica Parker disapprove. One study proves that Canadians are best of all at it. This alone justifies why I carry a giant Canadian flag with me when I travel abroad to fuck a woman for the first time. Running down the street afterward screaming, "I am Canadian" with your still-dripping junk hanging out only concerns the authorities. Silently waving the flag as you run down the street With your still-dripping junk hanging out is much more subtle and appreciated by the townsfolk. Just sayin'.
In closing, if you're an adult and you're pretty sure that the object of your immediate lust is one too, by all means fuck them. After all, you're going to have your Donkey Punch down by the time you meet the woman of your dreams.
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