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Sunday, September 23, 2007
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 JAMES WOODS IS EVERYWHERE!
James Woods is the greatest actor of his generation. Pretty much everybody knows that. He is perhaps at his best when playing the sleaziest monsters of modern times. Among his greatest roles were Roy Cohn, H.R "Bob" Haldeman, Rudy Giuliani and Byron De La Beckwith, for which he was nominated for an Oscar.
Woods is also the star of one of my current favorite television shows, Shark. He pretty much owns the role of an ethically challenged defense attorney seeking redemption as a prosecutor of high-profile crimes in Los Angeles. The show also stars three super-hot actresses; Sarah Carter, Jeri Ryan and the new Great Love of My Life, Sophina Brown. And yes, my love of quality poontang influences even the television dramas I favor. Thank you for noticing.
Mr. Woods is also a certified fucking genius, with an IQ of 180 and membership in Mensa to prove it. Jimmy is so friggin' quick that he was taking linear algebra courses at UCLA while still in high school. I, on the other hand, couldn't even spell "linear algebra" without double-checking.
It turns out that young Jimmy also has a Forrest Gump-esque ability to insert himself into history. It's actually starting to get annoying. Most famously, Woods shared a flight from Boston to Los Angeles with two of the 9/11 highjackers a few weeks before the attacks.
Following the September 11 attacks, Woods appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and The O'Reilly Factor, where he stated that six or seven weeks prior to the attacks, in August 2001, he was on a flight from Boston to Los Angeles on which he noticed four Arab men sitting in the first class section—the only other first-class passengers except himself—behaving in a highly suspicious manner.
Woods stated that the men never spoke to each other except in muted tones, did not eat, drink, or sleep, and mostly sat upright in their seats and stared directly ahead. Woods, fearing that the plane was about to be hijacked, alerted a flight attendant, who confided that she herself also noticed their behavior, and who in turn informed the first officer. No overt action was taken against them. One day after the September 11 terrorist attacks, Woods called the FBI and informed investigators about what he had seen the previous month. He was interviewed on September 13.
Woods repeated the anecdote when he appeared again on The Tonight Show on September 11, 2006, adding that Seymour Hersh, when writing about the incident in The New Yorker magazine, informed Woods that the FAA did not investigate the incident at the time because they considered it an act of racial profiling. Woods later learned that two of the four Arab men on his flight had been Hamza al-Ghamdi and Khalid Almihdhar, two of the 19 hijackers involved in the actual attacks weeks later, one of whom was on United Airlines Flight 175, and another of whom was on American Airlines Flight 77. Woods observed that this contradicts the testimony of possible 20th hijacker Zacarias Moussaoui, who asserted that members of different cells never had contact with one another. Woods believes that the flight was a test run for the hijackers' impending plot.
In the same episode, Woods provided a potentially chilling addendum, stating that according to one FBI agent who interviewed him, other airplanes were discovered at Boston's Logan Airport with box cutters taped under their seats, a possible indicator that other flights were intended as part of the hijackers' plans that went unused only because they were grounded following the attacks on the World Trade Center.  Pretty chilling, huh? Of course, it might be total horseshit, but the FBI took it seriously enough to interview Woods and that famous muckracker, Seymour Hersh, didn't call bullshit, so I'm inclined to believe it. His accidental brush with the greatest terrorist attacks in human history might be regarded as purely coincidental were it not for the manner in which James Woods repeatedly pops into historical events, both large and small. For example, did you know that his college roommate was John Wilkes Booth? They had the same kind of future famous actors relationship that Christopher Reeve and Robin Williams did. In a little noticed story this week, James Woods revealed that he may or may not have played "hide the sausage" with O.J Simpson's wife. Not the first wife, who everyone has forgotten about and wasn't that hot anyway. Woods might have taken from behind the hot blonde one whose head was later lopped off by the Juice. JAMES Woods says Nicole Brown Simpson wanted to have an affair with him behind O.J. Simpson's back and that the couple once seemed to invite him to be part of a threesome. That raises a pretty interesting question. How does one have an affair behind the back of someone with whom one is involved in a threesome with? O.J is a pretty dumb guy, but I doubt that he's so dim as to not notice the putz of a famous character actor rubbing against his as his bride is getting double-penetrated. Speaking only for myself, I'm pretty sure that I'd notice that and I drink a lot.
That paragraph seems to imply that the threesome never happened, which is wise on Woods' part. I'd be more than a little creeped out if I was naked with O.J. And not just because he's probably bigger in the pants than I am. Christ, there are women who are bigger in the pants than me. I still haven't overcome that shame.
No, I'd be wary of getting nude with the Juice out of fear that he'd stab me to death. He cut Ron Goldman to pieces and all he did was bring Nicole's glasses to her. God knows what he'd do to someone who was actually fucking her. The skirt-chasing "Shark" star told Craig Ferguson on "The Late Late Show" he started getting weird vibes from the couple when Simpson invited him to dinner years before Nicole was savagely murdered. At least that explains why no one other than me has heard this story yet. Does anyone actually watch "The Late, Late Show?" Can you really describe it as a "talk show" when the host has an incomprehensible accent? They may as well have gotten Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to host. At least the monologue would be funnier. As they sat in a fancy restaurant in Palm Springs and Simpson got into a conversation with Nicole's sister Denise Brown, Nicole began eyeing Woods. "[She was] this curvy, gorgeous blonde . . . and she starts talking to me, and everything is about how she is really not happy with her marriage. I'm going through a divorce at the time, and I'm taking the bait. I guess I'm kind of being set up," Woods recalled. Later, when he got back to his hotel, Woods said O.J. and Nicole, looking cozy, walked by his room and invited him for a "late-night nightcap" in their suite. "It was very odd," he told Ferguson. "About four days later, I get at my house a letter from her, 'Dear Jimmy,' with a little heart where the 'i" is, [saying] 'O.J. is out of town, maybe you would like to get together.' [I thought], this can't be possible."
 If James resisted that temptation, he's a far better man than I am. Nicole Brown Simpson was a pretty goddamn impressive peice of ass, with her flaxen locks and big fake hooters. Her face also held together pretty nicely as well. When Faye Resnick started jabbering about all the cocaine-fuelled lesbian fun she and Nicole had, I can't deny that my balls started boiling at the thought of joining in. Faye was pretty hot and had a tight little body, too. Can you blame me. I'm not particularly proud of this, but I'm almost certain that I'd bang Nicole now, if given the chance. And she has been dead for thirteen years and was very nearly decapitated getting that way. I know what you're thinking and, yes, I am too picky about my sex partners. I've been working on that for longer than I care to admit. James Woods indeed the motherfucking man if this story is true. On the other hand, it might not be. Nicole isn't around to confirm or deny Jimmy's tale and O.J is kind of busy lately. Even if he wasn't, I sort of doubt that Simpson is the kind of guy who would willingly admit that he couldn't satisfy his woman solo. He doesn't strike me as the type.
However, O.J might just come out and say that James Woods is "the real killer." I don't think that anybody doubts that the Juice is exactly the kind of guy who would do that. It makes sense, too. Woods has eluded O.J's best attempts to capture him by avoiding golf courses. Had he have looked for the real killer at a poker table, he might have had better luck.  I think if I were O.J Simpson, I'd be a little more careful. While Simpson is conducting "sting operations" in seedy Las Vegas hotels and verbally abuses those he co-defendants hold at gun point, he leaves unattended his current hot blonde paramour with awe-inspiring ta-tas. Just look at the jugs on her! If O.J isn't careful, James Woods might just fuck Christie Prody. I know that I would, were I in his shoes. Not only would he get his dick wet with a spectaculat piece of ass, he'd further infuriate and feed the Juice's persecution complex. And no one deserves it more than O.J. There's always the potential that this story could get even better. The second season of Shark begins tonight, and it needs to do really well in the ratings to survive. That means that James Woods is going to on every talk show know to man, promoting like a motherfucker lest he wind up unemployed. I'm sure that there will be several startling revelations to come. Personally, I'm holding out for Woods' confession that he was on the grassy knoll during the Kennedy assassination. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: I Love the Dead By: Alice Cooper From: Billion Dollar BabiesLabels: Celebrity Skin, Don't Know Much About History
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