Friday, January 20, 2006
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE: JESSICA SIMPSON DISCUSSES HER TITS, NICK LACHEY UNABLE TO STOP WEEPING
It's always one of the great pleasures of my life when strangers encourage my bizarre fantasies and curious interests. So, I was pleased when I recieved an e-mail from Eric, everyone's favourite straight white guy that isn't me. Hearing from Eric is always a joy.
In his missive of about ten minutes ago, he included a link to a very special story. I couldn't appreciate Eric's forwarding of it to me more.
I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this before, but I'm not a huge fan of blondes. I feel that the dictum that "gentlemen prefer blondes" is nonsense. No one is more of a gentleman than I - in fact, I'm wearing an ascot and a monocle as I write this. Granted, I'm not wearing anything else, but that's another story entirely - and I much prefer brunettes.
I'm also not much of a "breast man." Sure, I love a good set of fun bags as much as the next guy, but my choice in female companionship is not controlled by it. I've been with large breasted women and their smaller mammaried sisters, and I can honestly tell you that I don't have much of a preference. If anything, I'm a vagina man. If you have one of those, we'll get along just fine. If you don't, even the nicest hooters imaginable won't save my respect for you....although it would make for a funny post on my dopey blog.
I've also always been attracted to smart women, which, in retrospect was probably a mistake. Most of my romantic partners have been far brighter than I am, and those relationships usually didn't end well. You see, I'm incredibly ugly and violently stupid, and the fact that I can do push-ups with my tongue and have been known to fuck for upwards of 8 hours only goes so far in mitigating that. Eventually, the smarter of my companions grow exhausted by my brutal ignorance and social retardation. And the fact that they could tolerate my face for as long as they did is testimony to their intenstinal fortitude. These girls weren't only brilliant, they had strong stomachs, too.
I really should've rethought my love of smart women when I was a much younger man. I'd probably be a better man today if I had.
All of this makes my love of Jessica Simpson all the more confusing, even to me. Not only is she not what I'm ordinarily attracted to, in several respects, she's the exact opposite. I like brunettes and Jessica Simpson is about as blonde as you can be. I like smart girls and Jessica Simpson is about as stupid as she could possibly be while still managing to stand upright.
So what the fuck gives, huh?
Well, firstly, she's Jessica Simpson. Just look at her, for Christ's sake! Secondly, she looks exactly like the famous stripper I met on the subway a couple of weeks ago (and still haven't heard back from. Am I the biggest loser ever, or what?) If you look like that and show me all kinds of drunken affection , you'll make a hell of an impression on both me and my penis.
Up until I recieved this morning's missive from Eric, I was almost certain that no one was more obsessed with Jessica Simpson's cans that I was. Okay, I can't forget her father, who seems pretty pleased with his little girl's knockers, too. How could I have forgotten this, the single creepiest quote in human history?
"She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"
I can't say that Joe is factually wrong on that front, but Holy Christ, this is her fucking father!
And that, my friends, is how you know a woman has spectacular jugs. If a girl's own dad salivates over them in the press, that's a pretty good indicator that a truly magnificent rack is being discussed. Incest is generally considered to be a pretty serious thing, and if your father is willing to go before the media and talk like he objects to fucking his kids, but not as much as he probably should, then you know that you're seriously hot!
I thought that no one was more fixated on Jessica's fantastic funbags than me.As it happens, I was wrong about this being a lonely obsession. There is someone more obsessed with Jessica Simpson's tits than me. And that person just happens to be.....Jessica Simpson.
Jessica Simpson is obsessed with her breasts.
The sexy blonde - who recently split from husband Nick Lachey after three years of marriage - says she thinks her ample curves are absolutely wonderful.
The 25-year-old 'Dukes of Hazzard' star insists she wouldn't do a thing to change her perfect mammaries.She is quoted in Britain's Heat magazine: "I have amazing boobs. They're just perfect."
Yes, Jessica, yes they are. They may be the second best set that I've ever seen. The Heavyweight Champions are currently pictured at the top of this page. Those are the Muhammad Ali of mammaries. Quite simply, the Greatest of All Times! But Jessica's are a close second. A very, very close second.
Virtually everything about them makes my crotch tingle. But you know what it about Jessica Simpson that makes my cock throb hardest of all? Her modesty.
Jessica hasn't always been a fan of her boobs.
Last year, she admitted that although she has grown to love her bust she tried to keep it under wraps as a schoolgirl.
She said: "At school, my boobs were bigger than all my friends and I was afraid to show them.
"Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory."
Not showing her boobs was a crime, against me, against her dad, and very probably against humanity. Now, I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that I can make that case.
Furthermore, and I can't stress this strongly enough, girls, your beautiful milkbags should never be described as "accessories." These aren't your goddamn shoes that we're discussing here. If a gentleman caller knows anything about shoes beyond the fact that the ones with the high, spiky heels look cool when they're draped over his shoulders - then chances are that he's gay. Men know nothing about your shoes and we don't want to. But we want to know EVERYTHING about your chesticles.
Since her sham of a marriage is over, and she doesn't have much of a career, I think it's time that Jessica Simpson's knockers got their own show. The show wouldn't cost much to produce as it would only involve her pulling on her nipples, looking in the camera and whispering, "God, skippy, you're the best lover I've ever had. Can we do it again, but this time in my ass?" for sixteen hours a day.
I guarantee that it'd be the greatest show in the history of television. And coming from the guy who'll someday remake "The Odd Couple" with O.J Simpson and Mike Tyson as Felix and Oscar, that's saying a lot! I know all about incredible TV.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Sexual Healing by Ben Harper. From Live From Mars