 MICHAEL VICK HAS AN INTERESTING HOBBY
All I know about football is that it isn't populated by fairies like baseball is. Other than that, I'm pretty much lost. Okay, I'm not completely in the dark. I do know that the NFL comprises some several hundred large, brown people, at least 50% of whom are under indictment at any given time. I also know that it is a physically punishing job, but one which requires only a few years of your time before you can comfortably retire to a life of killing your ex-wife and some waiter.
My father turned me off to football for life. You see, he played high school ball back in the old-timey, leather helmet days. He grew up in a shithole of a small town where football is like a goddamn religion, just not as dumb. He once told me a story once about breaking his knee during a game and the team "doctor" shot him full of novacain and sent him back out to play. Consequently, my father couldn't walk properly for the last twenty years of his life. Go team.
Dad had a great strategy for saving me from his fate, he never let me win at anything. If I wanted to play catch or some other silly fucking kid thing, he'd play with me like I was an adult. This despite the fact that I was hardly four feet tall. Getting your ass kicked repeatedly will cure you of pretty much any desire to participate in organized athletics, so when I was about four years old, I decided to learn how to read and eat pussy instead.
I really wish that someone had told me that there wasn't a professional pussy-eating league when I was four. I kind of had a lot riding on that. I'm still without giant gold chains, night light SUV rims and three jury aquittals for sundy mayhem as a result. Maybe I would have reconsidered my position on sports if I had only known. Instead of being rich and famous for my skills, I stit here with nothing but a stupid blog that no one reads and the ability to do push-ups with my tongue for seventeen hours straight.
Since everything I know about football comes from Court TV, I don't frequently write about it. And even what I do know doesn't make for very fun reading. You've heard the story before; some linebacker has one too many, shoots his chauffer and pays absolutely no price for it. That gets kind of boring after a while.
That's why I want to send some big-ups to Michael Vicks of the Atlanta Falcons. That motherfucker's got it ON! This dude isn't just a professional when it comes to idiotic cruelty - he's an artist!
NFL star Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury Tuesday on charges of sponsoring a dogfighting operation so grisly the losers either died in the pit or sometimes were electrocuted, drowned, hanged or shot.
The Atlanta Falcons quarterback and three others were charged with competitive dogfighting, procuring and training pit bulls for fighting and conducting the enterprise across state lines.
The operation was named "Bad Newz Kennels," according to the indictment, and the dogs were housed, trained and fought at a property owned by Vick in Surry County, Va. Ummm, maybe it's just me, but I figure that if your kennel is called "Bad Newz," chances are nothing good is going to happen to the doggies. Obviously, spelling isn't a priority there.
The first thing that struck me about this story was the nature of the charge. Dogfighting? Really? When I think of dogfighting, I think of a way for poor white trash in the sticks to pay for a particularly nasty meth habit, not a way for gazillionaire athletes to kick back. Is Michael Vick starting a jug band and fucking his sister, too? Dogfighting is a past-time more appropriate for people who rape Ned Beatty than it is for someone who spells "news" with a "z." Dogfighting is for white people with four teeth, not black people with 63 gold ones. Jesus, I thought everybody knew that.
The 18-page federal indictment, filed in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia, alleges the 27-year-old Vick and his co-defendants began the dogfighting operation in early 2001, the former Virginia Tech star's rookie year with the Falcons.
The indictment states that dogs fought to the death - or close to it.
If convicted, Vick and the others — Purnell A. Peace, Quanis L. Phillips and Tony Taylor — could face up to six years in prison, $350,000 in fines and restitution. Who knew that dogfighting was a federal offense? If any of my readers are currently in the Philadelpia Eagles training camp, I strongly suggest that you restrict your hobbies the way most civilized people do - by running a cockfighting ring in Thailand.
It is my understanding that dogfighting is a particularly nasty business. The dogs that lose - and frequently, even those that win - need to be put down. This should be done with all necessary dignity, humanity and compassion. Replace the words "dignity, humanity and compassion" with "creativity, depravity and viciousness" and you have a pretty good idea what Michael Vicks is accused of.
John Goodwin of the Humane Society said the manner in which losing or unwilling dogs were killed was especially troubling.
"Some of the grisly details in these filings shocked even me, and I'm a person who faces this stuff every day," he said. "I was surprised to see that they were killing dogs by hanging them and one dog was killed by slamming it to the ground. Those are extremely violent methods of execution - they're unnecessary and just sick."
Vick and the others are accused of "knowingly sponsoring and exhibiting an animal fighting venture" and conducting a business enterprise involving gambling, as well as buying, transporting and receiving dogs for the purposes of an animal fighting venture.
About eight young dogs were put to death at the Surry County home after they were found not ready to fight in April 2007, the indictment said. They were killed "by hanging, drowning and/or slamming at least one dog's body to the ground."
(...)
In March 2003, after a pit bull from Bad Newz Kennels lost in a fight, it said Peace consulted with Vick about the losing dog's condition, then executed it by wetting it with water and electrocuting it.
Electrocution? That seems like an awful lot of work. Dangerous, too. If Michael were a more creative guy, he would've gone with crucifixion. If nothing else, it would have set an example for the other bitches. Snoopy died for your sins, indeed.
This story is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better, folks.
If you want to read the federal indictment, you can find it here.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Walkin' the Dog By: Aerosmith From: Aerosmith
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, I Fought The Law, People Are Strange
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