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Friday, December 01, 2006
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 THE STORIES THAT MUST BE TOLD : ROBERT REDFORD AND THE INFAMOUS MR. ED
You have to hand it to Robert Redford. Once upon a time, he was the most handsome son of a bitch on the planet. Also, he wasn't a half bad actor, as anyone who has seen The Candidate will tell you. That being the case, he could pretty much write his own ticket. The world was his oyster, as it were.
In large part, this is why I loathe pretty, talented people so. They get everything they want out of life, while ugly, useless wastes of humanity are consigned to forever being bloggers. Those who couldn't be Robert Redford resigned themselves to writing about him.
Just because I accepted my lot in life while still in the womb doesn't mean I have to like it. Besides, resenting people like Redford is roughly two-thirds of my charm. If there's one thing I've learned from blogging, it would be that if you're incapable of being a good person, there are those out there who will love you for being a horrible person. And this is why I say a little prayer for each of you every night.
However, fate is a cruel mistress to people like Redford. There comes a time in every pretty, blonde person's life when they become decidedy less blonde and pretty. This happened to Redford sometime in the early 1980s. Most people who find themselves in such circumstances fade into obscurity or go very publicly insane, like Brigitte Bardot. Others decide that the time has come for them to become serious artistes. I'm not sure why the e is so important, but God help anyone who attempts to strip it away. For the last twenty years, Robert Redford - more Leatherface than heart-throb - has been an artiste
For a time, Redford made movies about baseball that only served to give Randy Newman work once his records stopped selling. Then he depicted Brad Pitt fishing. Yes, these films did bring a considerable measure of critical acclaim, but critical acclaim doesn't pay the mortage or get you laid, now does it? For those who don't know, "Well, Leonard Maltin says I'm cool" is among history's least effective pick-up lines. You'll have to trust me on that.
 When all else failed, Redford established the world's largest home movie party. Even if the Sundance Film Festival accomplished nothing but make Utah notable for something other than polygamy, it would have done a good thing. But it has done more, so much more. Sundance strives to tell the stories that need to be told. Stories that the major film studios may not necessarily want you to hear. And you'd be surprised how often these stories involve transgenderism. Really you would. And the 2007 Sundance festival promises to be no exception. Among the Big, Important Stories to be told, this. The Sundance Film Festival announced Wednesday that Seattle filmmaker Robinson Devor's documentary "Zoo" has been accepted into the 2007 festival's documentary competition. The film examines the widely reported case of an Enumclaw man who died in 2005 after having sex with a horse. Zoo is the latest of a long line of tragic love stories. It tells the heartrending tale of Kenneth Pinyan and his one true love, Trigger. Or Silver. Actually, he was named Bullseye, which seems tragically appropriate.. Though it is a documentary, I prefer to see it as Romeo and Juliet for the equestrian set. Pinyan's is not only a love story, it a uniquely American one. The bond between a man and his horse is as old as America itself. Think of all the folklore of the Old West, Roy Rogers, The Lone Ranger, yes, even Wilbur. Without stories like these, American culture wouldn't be what it is today. Now, thanks to the good works of Robinson Devor and Robert Redford, Kenneth Pinyan joins that proud American pantheon. But like all great love stories, Kenneth Pinyan's was to meet an unpleasant end. Just as love killed Romeo and Juliet in the sixteenth century, it felled Kenneth Pinyan just last year. Much like Catherine the Great was rumoured to be before him, Pinyan was a pushy bottom with Bullseye. His passion led to a perforated colon - a common fate of pushy bottoms - and he later died of peritonitis. He was but 45 years old. Even though he has left us, there is much we can learn from Mr. Pinyan. This is particularly true of women. You see, his fatal encounter with Bullseye was not his first. Indeed, his liasons with the stallion were a regular occurance in his life. Kenneth Pinyan had turned being a dumper daredevil into a fine art and his life's calling.  Women everywhere should remember his life the next time they try to tell me that they're "afraid" of anal sex. After all, I'm nowhere near as gifted as even the smallest steed. Frankly, I'm smaller than your average three year old....girl. And nowhere where as aggressive. Ladies, if Kenneth Pinyan can accept the affections of Bullseye, surely you can accept mine. The late Mr. Pinyan was more than just an animal lover. He too was an artiste. You see, he had his romantic liasons filmed and distributed on the Interwebs, just as Al Gore intended. He was an auteur. This is yet another reason that Robert Redford wants you to know about him.
But Robert Redford wants you to know that there was a more innocent time not very long ago. And for that we should all salute him. Of course, of course. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Love Hurts By: Roy Orbison From: The Essential Roy Orbison
Labels: Celebrity Skin, I Fought The Law
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