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Wednesday, August 02, 2006
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 OH, GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING BABIES!
I've been blogging now for three years. Between Enjoy Every Sandwich and my first blog, I've written literally thousands of posts for your dining and dancing pleasure. I can only hope that you've enjoyed reading them as much as I have writing them. Okay, I take that back. Most of the time, these things are a HUGE pain in the ass to write. Doing things that are hard when I'm not getting a shitload of money for doing them is much suckier than you would think.
But for three years, I've been hiding something from you all. A deep dark secret that I didn't know that I should share. Pretending to be the most fearless blogger ever while keeping this secret has made me feel like a fraud. So, I've decided that I'm going to share the deepest recesses of my soul with you all. After all, we're all friends here, right?
Here goes....
I like boobies. In fact, I like them a whole lot. Big boobs, little boobs. Boobs on girls thin and fat. Chocolate brown nipples or pink tipped ones. Huge areola or tiny, none of that matters to me. So long as you have breasts, you're my kind of people. Don't get me wrong, you need a vagina, too. Daddy don't go for that transvestite thing. I've fallen for that trick far too many times already.
Indeed, my love of fantabulous funbags has hampered my relationship with children, specifically, infants. Infants are a giant pain in the ass. And when I say "infants," I'm really saying "everybody under 30."
As soon as a child enters a room, you can rest assured that no fun will occur in that room until the little bastard leaves. Kids can't call an election for shit. They crinkle their noses up if you smoke around them. They can't hold their liqour and god help everybody if you tell a particularly saucy fuck story around the pint-sized killjoys. Being around children is like living with Dr. Reverend, except the good Doctor has a great deal of drugs to kill the pain of it all.
 And I almost forgot, a child will, almost without fail, barge into the bedroom while his mommy is giving you a slow, loving, sloppy blowjob (for reasons unknown, it is universally boys that do this.) If I had a nickle for every woman that I've suffered through an episode of child-induced cocksucktus interruptus with .... I'd have a dime.
But if there's one overriding reason to hate babies, it is that they selfishly monopolize their mommy's marvellous milkbags. I think it has something to do with them being hungry, although I neither know nor particularly give much of a shit. That might sound a little harsh, but I shouldn't have to point out that the runtish cowards don't give a shit that I have needs, too.
Children can't walk, can't talk and can't discuss cool shit like the war. They scream, cry and are given to shitting themselves, yet can't change out of their shitty clothes on their own, like I can. They're fundamentally useless. But a woman will break out her knockers at the drop of a hat whenever the little pricks insist on it. I can't get a woman to do that, and I'll at least pretend to like her, which her shit-assed kid doesn't. Children are a lot like liberals in their insistence that they get what they want, when they want it and without regard for anyone else's feelings. The only difference between your average toddler and your average liberal is that the liberal is usually taller.
This also isn't fair to the women, either. Children have no idea how to finese a nipple like a competent adult male does. The dwarfish bastards just bite down on that little piece of feminine glory. And they bite down hard, thus ensuring that as soon as her whelpish bastard stops crying, the mother will start. In most of life's endevours, adults go before children. This is famously the case for things like working in a coal mine, paying taxes and military service. You know, things that suck. I think it only fair that breast feeding be included. A woman should find a random gentleman to suckle her as only an adult can before and after the kid gets a shot at the mammary. Not only is fair to everyone, it's much more pleasant, too.
Breast feeding used to be a pretty private thing. A tyke's gut rumbles didn't always result in a public titty showing like it does now. It used to be that if the little cur got hungry, mommy would take it to the bathroom before whipping her jugs out. While this spared everyone the noisesome wailing of the child, it also robbed us of a free boobie show. Unfortunately, there are trade-offs to be made in life. If there's one thing you should learn by the time you stop crapping your pants in public, it is that very few things in life are ideal.
 For thousands of years of human civilization, people didn't need a manual for dealing with their parasitical offspring. Some things were just assumed. These days, bookstores have entire sections of books and maintence to the care and feeding of their illiterate offspring. I can only draw the conclusion that babies are either a lot more complicated than they used to be or that the parents are a good deal more stupid. Since I'm still suffering the consequences of when I last got an infant to do my tax return, I'd say that it's the latter rather than the former.
One such publication is Babytalk magazine. Even the title should tell you everything you need to know about the content of the information found within. Babies don't talk, at least not in any coherent way. But that's entirely beside the point. As it happens, the readers of Babytalk might be a whole lot dumber than the subjects of it.
Pictured to the right is the August issue of Babytalk. When I first saw it, I didn't see anything controversial about it. I'm not a parent myself, but I'm told that breast feeding is a relatively common occurence during the first couple of years of a child's life. If you are having one, I can only assume that you've already resigned yourself to the fact that your going to have some parasite groping for knockers for the next little while. And no, I don't mean the little parasite who put you in that condition in the first place. He has his own magazine. It's called Juggs, (link NSFW) perhaps you've heard of it.
You would think that your average reader of Babytalk wouldn't object to the cover of the August issue, right?
Wrong.
"I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine," one person wrote. "I immediately turned the magazine face down," wrote another. "Gross," said a third.
These readers weren't complaining about a sexually explicit cover, but rather one of a baby nursing, on a wholesome parenting magazine -- yet another sign that Americans are squeamish over the sight of a nursing breast, even as breast-feeding itself gains greater support from the government and medical community.
Babytalk is a free magazine whose readership is overwhelmingly mothers of babies. Yet in a poll of more than 4,000 readers, a quarter of responses to the cover were negative, calling the photo -- a baby and part of a woman's breast, in profile -- inappropriate.
MSNBC is fucking with me, right? They have to be. Someone tell me that they hired Mary Mapes as their executive editor before I shit myself with glee.
Can people actually be this fucking stupid? Why, yes they can. Thanks for asking.
One mother who didn't like the cover explains she was concerned about her 13-year-old son seeing it.
"I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview. "A breast is a breast -- it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that."
Actually it isn't a sexual thing, Gayle. The primary use of a breast is exactly what the fucking picture is depicting! It just so happens that having a penis makes men pretty creative and we'll come up with new and exciting uses for a woman's cans, like oiling them up and shoving our cocks between them. But the human breast wasn't designed for this purpose. Guys just improved on God's creation. You're welcome.
Now, Gayle Ash is either a lot dumber than I think she is, or a lot kinkier. And she doesn't sound like a particularly fun date.
It's the same reason that Ash, 41, who nursed all three of her children, is cautious about breast-feeding in public -- a subject of enormous debate among women, which has even spawned a new term: "lactivists," meaning those who advocate for a woman's right to nurse wherever she needs to.
"I'm totally supportive of it -- I just don't like the flashing," she says. "I don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't want to see."
Just a second here. Let's review the last sentence for a second, okay? "I don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't want to see."
Can you think of a breast that any male over thirteen doesn't want to see? All right, I can (link NSFW), but I'm pretty special. And "accidentally" is the absolute best way to see boobies. The possibility that we might get a glimpse makes every day like Christmas morning for us.
Babytalk editor Susan Kane says the mixed response to the cover clearly echoes the larger debate over breast-feeding in public. "There's a huge Puritanical streak in Americans," she says, "and there's a squeamishness about seeing a body part -- even part of a body part."
"It's not like women are whipping them out with tassels on them!" she adds. "Mostly, they are trying to be discreet."
I agree. Tassles are entirely too Puritanical. Thank God they went out with segregation. Tassles were fine back in the 50s, when no one knew that the best part of a breast, but if you support them now, you're probably a racist, too.
"Gross, I am sick of seeing a baby attached to a boob," wrote Lauren, a mother of a 4-month-old.
Well, you should have thought of that before you got knocked up, sugar tits. Because you're going to get a whole lot more sick before you're done.
 The article continues with a lot of nonsense about whether it's proper for women to breast-feed in public, and the topic is boring the shit out of me. I guess if I had to get off the fence on the issue, I'd say that I support public breast-feeding. But that's because I'm pro-naked juggs. I remain anti-baby, and proudly so.
Now, if we're talking about private breast-feeding, then I'm categorically against it. Being anti-baby, I really don't care about the ghoulish little cur's nutrition. I just want to see the delivery system, which I won't if the mother is only whipping them out in the privacy of her own home.
But private breast-feeding will cut into my fun, and that's the only thing I really care about. There are very few ladies who will let you hose her funbags with your goo if the parasite in the next room might start screaming for its fucking lunch in the next 30 seconds. That just leaves her face and some women get awfully fucking touchy about that.
Of course, the entire preceding paragraph is theoretical. While I've dated a couple of women with kids, neither was of breast-feeding age. The youngest child I have any personal experience with was three at the time. And because his mother had the greatest tits that you, me or anyone else has ever seen, I started breast-feeding just as soon as the son stopped. There were a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, because I was stupidly thinking of marrying her and thought it the better part of wisdom to keep her knockers in shape. Secondly, just because her cans were just that fucking nice. Seriously, they were perfect.
So, I'm not an "expert" on anything in this post, I'll give you that. But isn't getting your parenting advice from me much more fun than going to Babytalk?
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Lord Protect My Child By: Bob Dylan From: The Bootleg Series, Vol. 1-3 (Rare and Unreleased)
PermalinkLabels: Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex
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