Sunday, November 02, 2003
skippy FOR PRESIDENT
Senator Orin Hatch (Republican, Utah) has recently announced his support to amend the United States Constitution to allow for foreign born citizens to run for the presidency. Currently, naturalized citizens are disqualified from service under Article 2, section 1, clause 5 which states that "No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States."
This disqualifies me on three grounds. Firstly, I'm not a natural born citizen (or a citizen at all but I can fix that with a quickie marriage), I'm 33, and I don't meet the residency requirement. Oh, and my positions on virtually everything, my dispicable peersonality and hideous physical appearance make me unelectable. But for the first time in history, both major parties are on board with the idea. The Republicans feel that they could elect the Austrian-born Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Democrats would like to run Michigan's Governor (and my fellow filthy Canadian) Jennifer Granholm.
Even though I'd get stomped like a narc at a biker rally, I think it would be fun to run. I've already written my stump speech.
My fellow Americans,
I really, really want to be your president. As a former filthy foreigner, I feel that I have the distance to truly evaluate the challenges the United States faces in this new century. On the other hand, I'm no so foreign that you can't understand what the fuck I'm saying. I'm Canadian, which means I speak better English than the 279,999,999 of you who aren't Zombie. And, so long as I don't say "about", I don't even have as funny an accent as those of you from say, Georgia....fuck, Georgia has a lot of electoral votes that I need. So Georgians sound just fine. Not like folks from Arkansas.
Why do I want to president? Mostly for the chicks. Do you realize how much trim you get when you can take a date on Air Force One? Lots, that's how much. I want to be your president so I can get laid. There! Happy now? You should appreciate my honesty. I told you my main motive, unlike some Presidents I could name..... Fuckin' William Howard Taft! That fat bastard was so greedy for quim that even after he was stomped by Wilson, he went to the Supreme Court so he could keep his dick wet.
Jimmy Carter said that he'd never lie to you. But he only told the truth about dumb shit, like telling you to wear sweaters instead of turning your heat on. Bill Clinton lied to all of you about his love for blowjobs. I won't do that. That's why I'm telling you that I'll spend two-thirds of my term trying to get girls to suckle my schvantz. Thomas Jefferson said that "the government that governs least governs best" and I couldn't agree more. This is why, as my first act as your president, I will name Tyra Banks as my executive secretary. And I won't lie about fucking her, like Jefferson did. She'll be what Mick Jagger called "the easiest lay on the White House lawn."
Also, as president I'd get to bomb lots of brown people with little interference from those skunks in Congress. Sure, they'll piss and moan a lot but if my poll numbers stay high (which they will once I publicly execute the Commissioner of the I.R.S,) they'll stay out of my way.
I'll bet you're thinking " Yeah, sure skippy you'd get a lot of poontang and bombing brown people is fun but why couldn't you stay in Canada and do that?" I appreciate your concerns in this area and I'll address them. Firstly, all of our hottest broads moved here. Pamela Anderson Lee-Rock, Jill Hennessey, the list goes on and on.
Secondly, Canada has a very small and useless military. It took three Canadian soldiers five hours to beat an unarmed Somali teenager to death. It's pathetic! Thirdly, Canada is swarming with Al-Queda. They summer there. It's like the Hamptons for psychotics. I promise that my first act as president will be to firebomb Montreal and Edmonton.
Here's what I bring to the table; Since unlike most of you, I don't spend most of my time beating my wife or being swept away but the fucking Macarena so I've been able to think about stuff like the deficit. Since my opponent hasn't yet taken a position on the deficit, neither will I. When I'm good and god damn ready, I'll announce my position. Or not. Maybe I'll let my running mate Ginger Lynn make that speech. Speaking of Ginger, I'm proud of my choice for vice-president. Not only is she qualified to become president if I kark it in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap, she got into anal sex in her forties and there's a lot to be said for that. Besides, that girl can swallow two-thirds of tire iron. I promise you here and now that Ginger will be my mate in much more than just running.
Since you fucking people have been so busy molesting your kids, you probably haven't noticed just how fucked up the little bastards are. If it's true that children are the future then we're all fucking doomed! The little pricks are ill-mannered, illiterate and violent. Did I forget anything? Oh, yeah their haircuts look retarded. But don't you worry your stupid little heads over it. President skippy will teach the little motherfuckers some manners. I'll do this by establishing the military draft on everyone over the age of six. Let the Marines take care of it. The children will learn a lot from spending their summer occupying France.
Which brings me to my foreign policy. My policy is simple. "Fuck everybody." Once I bomb the United Nations building who's gonna stop me? Belguim? A few divsions of fourth graders will shut them up in a hurry.
Look, I'm quite sure that my opponent is smarter than I am. Really, that isn't all that hard, and it sure as shit isn't very impressive. Frankly, the American people resent smart. It makes them feel inferior. What they admire is someone adept at drinking games and who can fuck for a really long time without blowing his load. This makes me the Greatest American ever, even if I was born in Canada.
You folks have tried smart before, and where did that get you. Woodrow Wilson, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton were all intellectually accomplished and got almost nothing done in the White House. Well, I'm telling you that I won't be doing a whole lot. I'll be too busy having fun with Ginger and Tyra.
I had a lot of other shit that I wanted to say but I'm really horny. Daddy needs a lap dance. Vote skippy!
Labels: Fun With Politics, Life With skippy