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Tuesday, August 15, 2006
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 TITANIC TITTIES TOP TERROR
For almost my entire life, I've heard various and sundry lefty-shithead feminist academic types prattle on about how breast implants are the ultimate symbol of the patriachial society. A symbol of oppression, as it were. The surgery is supposed to be an act of self-mutilation and self-debasement, an act of unilateral surrender in the Great War of the Sexes.
I've always suspected that these women and their emasculated sympathizers were enemies of Freedom. Even as a child, I knew that these people sought to destroy everything that I - and the great silent majority that President Nixon spoke of - stood for. I just couldn't prove it.
Of course, I grew up in a more tranquil time. All I had to fear was nuclear annhilation by the vicious Slavic hordes of the East. The Soviet Union and their toady allies in Eastern Europe and eastern Asia would never have considered flying jumbo jets into skyscrapers. After all, they were in possession of some 2,500 ICBMs. Back then, Freedom was a secondary issue, something of a rhetorical debating point. Survival itself was the thing.
But times have changed, haven't they? Ho, ho, how the worm has turned. Today we face an Islamofacist enemy undeterred by the threat of being vaporized by the elementary forces of nature itself. No, the War on terror is a fundamentally different conflict and fundamentally different weapons are need to fight it. Some of President Bush's more ardent allies argue that illegal data mining and secret prisons are the tools needed. This is niave in the extreme.
The recent struggle of the State of Israel against the evil forces of Hezbollah illustrates what this is all about. The evil Islamists and their twisted Iranian sponsors will use everything at their disposal to stamp out the Jewish state. Israel is a small nation with a comparatively tiny population. As a result, they are forced to exploit every weapon available to them to defend their way of life, lest the forces of eternal darkness destroy them once and for all.
Any student of military strategy will tell you that no war is won by a party who fights purely on the offense. Indeed, the best offense is a good defense. And those without a defensive strategy are doomed to fail.
Everyone knows that the ultimate objective of a defensive strategy is to live to fight another day. As it true with an offensive war, a defensive action requires its own unique set of armaments. If one is impervious to an enemy assault, then one can rally to repel it. It appears that the Israelis know this as well as anyone.
One Israeli woman has received an unexpected boost from her breast implants during the Lebanon war -- the silicone embeds saved her life during a Hezbollah rocket attack, a doctor said.
"This is an extraordinary case, but it's a fact that the silicone implants prevented her from a more serious and deeper wound," Jacky Govrin, of the hospital in Nahariya that treated the woman, told army radio Tuesday.
"The young woman went through surgery two years ago to have a larger chest," he said. "During the war she was wounded in the chest by shrapnel" that got stuck in the implants instead of penetrating further.
The woman did not emerge from her ordeal completely unscathed, however.
"The shrapnel was removed but the implant had to be replaced," Govrin said.
For years I've cried from the rooftops that breast implants are not merely good, they're good for you. No one listened then, but now the evidence can no longer be ignored. Freakishly big boobies may not only win the war in my pants, they may save Freedom itself.
 The Western democracies make all the right noises about standing with Israel, but our deeds rarely match out words. No, if we were truly serious warriors in this Clash of Civilizations, we would be airlifting the latest in fundbag enhancement technology to our bombabed allies. How dare we selfishly without the tools that our friends could use to save themselves? Isn't this how the Holocaust was allowed to happen?
The West has a moral debt to pay, my friends, and that cheque has finally come due. Hezbollah is a fatal threat to everything we claim to hold dear and we possess the means to vanquish them once and for all.
Yes, I could suggest that you go out and do something silly, like buy Israeli Savings Bonds, but that would be too little, too late. These are drastic times and such times call for drastic measures. There is currently a cease-fire in southern Lebanon, but even small children know that it will last only for a few days. Those days must be exploited to maximum effect. It goes without saying that this will require great sacrifice on our part.
It is for that reason that I am calling on the governments of the United States, the European Union and Australia to immediately round up all of their high-end cosmetic surgeons, their nurses and materials and immediately airlift them to Israel. I envision miles of battlefield M.A.S.H units surrounding Haifa and Tel Aviv. But instead of healing the wounded they will be creating an army of super-soldiers, who will resist the next terrorist offensive and crush it as it begins.
But not all of us have gone to medical school, now have we? Worry not, there is a place on the Great Field of Battle for you as well. All of our fake titted citizens must be conscripted and be given military training immediately - preferably under the generalship of Tori Spelling.
Once trained, they could be organized in beautifully buxom bridages and Dupont divisions. They will repel the Islamists and destroy them where they live. If we are truly serious about Freedom, we will not think twice about aiding Israel in its hour of desperate need.
I could tell you how I plan to use the Brazillian wax to annhiliate al-Qaeda, but I'm saving that. I'm trying to get a consulting contract with the Pentagon. I'm sure you understand.
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Labels: LaugLaughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex
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