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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
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 VALERIE GIBSON AND I FINALLY AGREE: CHILDREN ARE EVIL AND HAVE MORE FUN THAN EITHER OF US
Two weeks ago, I pontificated on the empty-headed musings of one Valerie Gibson, the"lifestyle" columnist for the equally vapid Toronto Sun. As I may have mentioned at the time, the Sun is the journal of record for people who don't want to learn things like new words, and Gibson is a perfect expression of that philosophy.
Back then, Valerie bitched and harped that one night stands are a bad thing...except when they're not. Or something. Thinking about it too much hurts my head. For someone so simple-minded, Valerie Gibson sure can be confusing.
But it appears that there is, at long last, some common ground to found between myself and the Red-Headed Harpie. Specifically, it appears that we are both full to the brim of bitter resentment and violent recrimination against children. If there's one great motivator in my life, it is finding common ground with people. Today I learned that common ground can always be found, even with Valerie Gibson.
Think that we all know that there are two kinds of children, and they are both bothersome. First is the more tolerable of the two, the infant. Infants are noisy, smelly and expensive. They don't let you sleep at night, can't discuss politics with any precision, and do very little that is cool, like kill bears. Think of infants as a tax deduction that shits itself. Of course, all of this is mitigated by the fact that infants are very cute.
However, they very quickly stop being cute and are just annoying. This lasts for perhaps eight years. Then they become teenagers and are insufferable. I define a "teenager" as anyone between twelve and, say, twenty-five. Teenagers are slovenly, brutish, ignorant, arrogant and violent. Yet the law does not allow for them to be slaughtered like hogs.
And, as Valarie Gibson points out, the vile little bastards are having all of the fun.
Never mind teens' detachment and isolation via technology, obsession for material goods and seeming lack of general behavioural and societal awareness - what about those raging hormones and the (supposed) wild and free world of teenage sex?
This is new? Isn't that why God wanted Abraham to kill his first son, Chip?
It's not helped by the widely-circulated stories, real or imagined, of teenagers indulging in "rainbow" or "chicken" parties - where girls in groups give boys oral sex, the first with different coloured lipsticks marking the boys' penises; the second where they line up in a row with their heads bobbing like feeding chickens.
There's the stuff.
When I read about things like "rainbow parties", I'm nothing short of enraged. Enraged, I say! Look, I'm thirty-six years old. I'm a very old, very tired man. If nothing else, I should be considered worldly and wise. Yet never in all of my years have I recieved a "rainbow." Indeed, I'm pretty sure that I never got all of the barbershop polls to which I feel myself properly entitled!
The chicken party, on the other hand, is just too funny to be erotic. I'm not saying that it's impossible to maintain an erection while giggling like a schoolgirl, but I am saying that you need to be a professional, like me, to do so.
And then to be told by them that this "isn't sex."
Enough to make any parent reach for the Prozac.
But that's what teenagers think, says Sabrina Weill, author of the newly-released The Real Truth About Teens And Sex.
"Most teens today consider only penetrative sex to be the 'real' thing," she says.
And she should know what they're thinking.
As the former editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine, she's been involved with the world of teenagers for many years and, maybe because she's not a parent or authority figure, millions of teens have candidly confided in her about their activities and their hopes and fears about sex and sexuality.
I'll give the runtish pricks one thing, they are downright Clintoneque in their evasions. If they went to work for the DNC this summer, the Democrats might actually do something crazy, like win an election.
What they fail to realize is that most - and certainy all of the best - kinds of sex are penetrative in one way or another. Sure, there's a lot to be said for vaginal intercourse, but there's a lot more to be said for penetrating the rectum, or even the skull. Circle jerks and bukkake parties get old very quickly. These kids have it, pardon the pun, ass-backward. First, you master the pussy, then you conquer everything else. Think of the female form as Europe and the penis as Hitler. You work in gradual increments, so as to wear down potential resistence. The vagina is Czechoslovakia, the mouth is Austria, and the ass is Poland. Be careful, though. The personality is the Soviet Union, unpredictable and loaded with venomous fury.
What concerns me the most is Miss Weill's credentials. Can being the former editor in chief of Seventeen magazine qualify one as an expert on anything other than selling magazines to the illiterate? And can you really get laid doing that? If so, how do I get into it?
What's more, according to statistics both in the U.S. and Canada, there's alarming increases in teen pregnancies and those contracting STDs.
But if the teens think (as they often say they do) that giving oral sex is "safer" from STDs than intercourse, they're very wrong.
Weill points out the risk of disease is just as high as with penetrative sex. She recounts a recent incident in the U.S. where a group of kids at a school all contracted gonorrhea of the mouth and throat from just such activity.
While there's probably nothing as hilarious as a sixteen year old with gonorrhea of the throat, I can sympathize. There are few things less pleasurable than getting a blowjob through a condom. Actually, nothing is worse than condoms generally. I have found that there are two specific problems with prophylactics; they do cut down on the sensation, and they're too small.
But unexpected things happen when you reap the whirlwind, don't they? The fact that they include gonorrhea of the throat just makes it funny.
Why? I ask Weill in a phone interview. Why does this happen when there's so much sexual awareness nowadays and birth control is widely available?
"The truth is they're really are not properly prepared for whatever happens," says Weill.
Any adult will tell you that preperation is everything. Let's take my military analogy further, shall we? You don't just invade a county in, say, the Middle East without knowing in advance what happens after you get there, now do you? Okay, that might be a bad analogy.
Or not. Teenage sex may be taking its cues from the Bush doctrine. One resulted in an out-of- control insurgency, the other in gonorrhea of the throat. And both have a nasty habit of sticking around to haunt you for years.
Frankly, I couldn't be more thrilled by this. Gonorrhea of the throat in a teenager who has more fun than I did smells like....victory.
You might be shocked to hear this, but I wasn't always the finely-honed fuck machine that stands before you today. That didn't really happen until my twenties. In fact, most of my teen years were outright painful. Verily, they sucked! And not nearly as frequently as they should have. Therefore I am of the firm belief that no one should have any more fun than I did. I know that sounds megalomanical, but think it's just fair. I'm all about bringing the fair. And if it has to brought it on a wave of gonorrhea of the throat, so be it.
The best part is that it is a well known fact that men have no idea how to be halfway decent in bed until they're 25. Can you imagine living with all of that throat gonorrhea without even having a slightly pleasant memory of how you got it?
Not that I'm bitter or anything.
SPECIAL NOTE: The image at the top of this missive is dedicated to Fred who seemed disappointed by the picture of Jessica Alba's ass that I posted yesterday. I hope this one is more to Fred's liking. Also, I like proving Gadfly wrong, there's always a better picture of Miss Alba.
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