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Friday, June 23, 2006
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THE WORLD ISN'T FAIR
Karl, you never have seen such a glorious sight
as these beautiful women arrayed for the night
just like countesses, empresses, movie stars and queens
And they'd come there with men much like me
Froggish men, unpleasant to see
Were you to kiss one, Karl
Nary a prince would there be
- The World Isn't Fair by Randy Newman
Last week, I saw the picture in the upper banner. It was an image that shocked and horrified me to no end. As the days passed, more and more pictures became public. As you can imagine, I've been crying almost non-stop ever since.
The blonde sitting on the jetty is none other than Victoria Silvstedt. I think it goes without saying that she is the very picture of womanhood. She's all big tits, long legs and an ass that sings arias to all that view its majesty. When I'm feeling silly and pretend that there actually is a God, I imagine it looks a lot like Victoria Silvstedt. Other than her annoying fluency in English, Victoria represents something all women should try to be. I'm not saying that you'll pull it off, or anything. But we'll sure appreciate you more for trying.
No one seems to know who her gentleman caller is. What has been verified is that he is very short, built like a fireplug, balding and all-around, godawful fucking ugly. And the two of them are, as the pictures clearly show, all the fuck in one another's bidnezz. Stumpy, at one point in the photoset, appears to be performing sweet, sweet cunnilingus on her, tasting the nectar of heaven itself. And by the look on Victoria's face, he appears to be doing a good job of it. This is a gift unique unto unatractive men.
I was, of course, outraged. For over a week now, I have railed at the heavens, fate, and providence. Whatever you've got, I've been railing at it. That this could be allowed to happen is further proof that Neitzsche was right and God is dead. Some people need to witness an inhuman war or a terrible famine to really understand that. I needed to see a troll giving a blonde supermodel head. What can I say? I just happen to be more practical than the rest of you.
Not only does this prove that God is dead, it also demonstrates that the very concept of justice itself is a hollow, pathetic joke. After seeing those pictures, I know exactly how Rodney King felt back in those dark days of 1992. Yes, I suppose that I could direct my outrage at the empty-headed exercise in McCarthyism that used to pass for democratic government, but that would just make me look stupid. I save my indignation for the really important stuff.
So, what upsets me so much? Look, I'm a truly, desperately ugly man. I am possessed of a face that shocks the conscience of moral people everywhere. Yes, I do have a beautiful, swimmer's body, yet that is usually not enough. While I've been with my share of women, I remain convinced that they were only with me to satisfy some twisted Joseph Merrick fetish. I believe that today and I always shall.
The women who have graced me with their company have been very beautiful, each and every one. But Victoria Silvstedt is hot in ways that defy the very laws of physics. If you believe in natural selection, you know that beautiful women not cursed with bizarre and damaging kinks usually hook up with similiarly blessed men. This allows them to breed superhuman children and the entire race evolves accordingly. This is, science believes, one of the immutable laws of nature. And one doesn't fool with Mother Nature, does one?
Well, Victoria's beau (and I can think of no better way of describing him. After all, allowing someone's head between your thigh denotes some level of fondness) is even uglier than I am! Dammit, there isn't any question about that. None at all. And I look like a model for industrial accident safety pamplets. I'm the guy who just wouldn't listen. Remember him? And I'm still head and shoulders over that, that........shlub!
This led me to wonder how he ended up going down on Victoria Silvstedt and I didn't. Then I found out. You see, those pictures were taken in Sardinia. Taking a date to small Mediterranean island-states is a rather pricey venture. One that a lady friend usually won't spring for on her own just to please you. From time to time, a young lover might offer to take you to Ottawa or Vancouver for the weekend, but this is only because the only thing kinkier than banging a monster is banging one in a new and exciting city. Don't ask me how I know this, just know that I do.
This explains how a non-Golden God like me can bag a woman like Victoria Silvstedt; have zillions and zillions of dollars. Or be Kevin Federline. One should never forget that a certain percentage of beautiful women have a self-destructive streak, and curs like K-Fed were born to exploit it.
For nearly three hundred years, philosophers have pondered the reasoning behind capitalism, long thought to be the cruelest of economic systems. The answer can be boiled down into four words: eating out Victorial Silvstedt. There, now you don't have to worry your pretty little heads over having to read all of Irving Kristol's boring books. You now know as much about advanced economic theory as the entire Harvard School of Business faculty.
But this helps me not at all, as I haven't got a pot to piss in. Which is too bad, because I give fantastic head. It is savage ironies like this that have finally convinced me that the world really isn't fair.
But aren't you glad that I'm so much smarter than the rest of you?
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: The World Isn't Fair By: Randy Newman From: Bad Love
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