 LISA MARIE NOWAK WANTS TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS
When someone so renowed as an authority on all things half-Korean as the Big Hominid asks a question, I try my very best to answer it as fully and completely as I am able. After all, the great Kevin Kim's Hairy Chasms are something I find myself in awe of daily, and yes, that is as gay as it sounds.
So whenever Kevin asks me to do something, I get on it post-haste. For example, he left an observation in my comments just yesterday. As a great booster of Enjoy Every Sandwich and a close friend of our Maximum Leader, I felt I should respond immediately.
Here's what Mr. Kim had to say;
I'm surprised you haven't tackled the NASA scandal. That's surefire Skippy material. Kevin is of course referring to the multiple felony charges levelled against astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak in Orlando, Florida. As has been reported far and wide, Ms. Nowak travelled from Houston, Texas to Orlando to confront - and if you believe the word of The Man, kill - a romantic rival.
In the ordinary course of events, you wouldn't have heard about it. But Lisa made her journey in a pair of diapers. As a notoriously deviant collection of perverts, the mainstream media can't ignore any story that involves adults in diapers. There's something too intrinsically sexy about it to let it pass without comment. If he thought he could get away with it, Bob Woodward would devote the remaining years of his career to adult diapers and the mischief they incite. Wisely, he limited his fetish to covering the final days of former CIA director William J. Casey.
It is entirely likely that I would have given the Nowak story some of the sticky reportage that you've all come to love and expect were it not for one personal issue. You see, I work 64 hours each and every week. This leaves me very little time to comment on as many stories as I would like. I'm famously long-winded and incapable of writing the patented Glenn Reynolds one-sentence summary of a news item. Therefore, I have to prioritize.
Something else occurred to me as the news of Lisa's arrest made it way around the world. People seemed so ..... shocked. Try as I might, I couldn't understand what all the excitement was about.
So I did what I always do when I try to understand the reaction to a given event, I reviewed the available facts.
We know that Nowak, a 43-year old seperated mother of three, very much wanted to fuck her fellow astronaut, 41-year old Navy Commander, William Oefelein. Nowak felt spurned when she discovered that Oefelein may or may not have been tasting the Tang of one Colleen Shipman.
Lisa decided to do what pretty much anyone would do under those circumstances. She put on a wig and a pair of diapers; loaded her car with a new steel mallet, knife, rubber tubing, large garbage bags, pepper spray and a B.B gun, and embarked on a fantastic journey to win her man. Nowak found Shipman at Orlando International Airport, confronted her and doused her with the pepper spray.
The Man, having nothing better to do, involved Himself in the triangle and ruined Ms. Nowak's love life. Charges of attempted kidnapping, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery were brought against her. When an Orlando judge saw the rightness of Lisa's ways and granted her bail, The Main filed an additional charge of attempted murder. And that's pretty much where we are now.
Having reviewed the facts, I still found myself haunted by a question that needed answering, "How exactly is this news?" "Doesn't this sort of thing happen to everyone," I wondered. "Or is it just me?"
 I'm not saying that I always have a woman driving 900 miles and marinating in her own urine to be with me. It probably only happens about two or three times a month. You know, enough that I would remark on it. Not being particularly intelligent or attractive, I thought everyone ended up with a dishevelled and smelly woman on their doorstep, proclaiming her eternal devotion.
I was surprised to learn that this is pretty much limited to myself and Wild Bill Oefelein. Who knew? Maybe it has something to do with blasting past the surly bonds of earth or writing a deeply confessional blog like mine. But I honestly thought that this kind of thing happened to everyone.
You might imagine that I was shocked and saddened to discover what I did in the manner that I did. And you'd be right. For 23 years, I had wondered why Foreigner had such a big hit with a song as schmatzy as "I Want To Know What Love Is." Now I knew. No one seems to know what love is.
It was almost as if my boyish innocence was shattered. I now know why the world is such a savage and terrible place. Until every boy has a girl drive 900 miles in a wig and a diaper, bearing a new steel mallet, a knife, rubber tubing, large garbage bags, pepper spray and a B.B gun, declaring that she had "taken care of" his fuck-buddy so that they could be together forever, he'll never know the true meaning of romance and become a man. How can you not expect war, crime and miscellaneous savagery from such a person?
The world festers with evil, avarice and chaos because only me, Bill Oefelein, and perhaps Jandek know what love's really about.
My friend and spiritual counsellor, the great Dr. Reverend, warned me that the world would break my heart someday and it has. I just never thought it would feel this lonely.
And that's why I didn't write about this story sooner. I thought I didn't have to. Apparently, I was wrong.
Associated Press link ruthlessly stolen from the magnificently mammaried De, who I know in my heart would drive 900 miles in her own pee for me. Alas, De lives 1,304.2 miles away. Yes, I checked and I now know that I shall never know true love either.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Love Song By: The Cure From: Greatest Hits
PermalinkLabels: I Fought The Law, I'm Through With Love, Life With skippy
|
