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Tuesday, May 30, 2006
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 ME LEARN GOOD, PART THREE
I know that I promised that "What I Learned" would be a continuing series and that I have fallen down on that pledge. What can I tell you other than I am a vicious scumbag? All I have to say in my own defense is that you really, really should have paid more attention to the women I've dated. You didn't and therefore, this is all your fault.
In actual fact, I haven't written a "What I've Learned" post in awhile because they are very difficult and I am very lazy. You see, those posts actually involve learning things - and learning things makes my head hurt.
When I learn things, I find myself compelled to consider other things. These things often include "Perhaps I drink too much," and "Is the human penis really designed to withstand thirty years of this kind of abuse?" As you might imagine, I fear the answers to both. For that reason, learning things is accompanied by the immediate desire to lay down and weep for several hours.
There you have it. I don't write "What I Learned" posts as often as I should because they are too emotionally exhausting.
Today was very hot. Once the humidity was factored in, it was 102 degrees fahrenheit. This is considerably warmer than Canada's usual negative forty. Obviously, there isn't much a civilized man can do in such weather except to learn things, the consequences be damned!
Since I have decided that I would very much like to be the governor of Alabama (and because the fantabulous Joan has offered to marry me to help achieve this dream) , I have taken it upon myself to read Stephan Lesher's superiour biography, "George Wallace: American Populist." Anyone who tells you that they prefer Marshall Frady's "Wallace : The Classic Portrait of Alabama Governor George Wallace" , is a half-wit and not someone you should have in your life. I read Frady's book about a decade ago, and, while well-written, I found it to be largely uninformtive. And I needn't tell any of you that if you aspire to Alabama's highest office, you need to know a lot about Wallace. This is especially true if you are a Canadian and are not used to Alabama's climate. Southerners are crafty and will trick you at every turn unless you trick them first. I need to be ready, and by God, ready I shall be.
Perhaps you are like me in that when you learn things, you become enrapatured by them and think of ways that they may be improved upon. You see this in those who re-enact Civil War battles. That is, of course, why I broke into the Watergate when I was 12. I got away with it and G. Gordon Liddy did not. My parents were ever so proud.
It should go without saying that this is a dangerous trait when you have dedicated your life to learning about George Wallace, particularly in this heat.
 As the day grew longer and more sultry and as I moved deeper and deeper into Lesher's fine work of history, I felt what Alexander Haig once described as "sinister force" that urged me into action. It was an odd compulsion, the likes of which I had never felt before and hope I never know again.
For reasons that I'm not sure I understand myself, I felt I had no choice but to stand in a schoolhouse door. All I know for certain is that Nicholas Katzenbach is still alive out there somewhere and the confrontation would do him good. Yes, he is 84 years of age now, but he looks to be a wiry 84. Never let it be said that I'm not one to back away from a good fight.
However, I can't shake just how odd this strange and deviant desire is. After all, standing in schoolhouse doors ceased being common currency in American politics in in the mid-Sixties. Remember also that I'm Canadian. Such things never did catch on here. We're a much more unassumming people.
I do think that Wallace was on to something, though. I think that he just went about it in the wrong way. Given the state of the education system on both sides of the border, I'm not convinced that standing in a schoolhouse door is at all inappropriate. Where the governor went wrong was in blocking children from entering, as opposed to preventing their exit. I'm sure that if Wallace were alive today, he'd agree with me. If nothing else, it would provide the little curs a valuable history lesson.
I would be remiss if I didn't point out that my better insitncts prevailed and I successfully fought off this urge. Granted, this was mostly due to the fact that I do not currently have a podium and the Alabama State Police at my disposal, but I still consider it a victory, albeit a tainted one. If you're not sure what I mean by that, I'm sure Barry Bonds can explain it to you.
On the other hand, I am just over a fifth of the way through the book and tomorrow is supposed to be hotter still. There could yet be a breakout of mass ugliness in the air. I also cannot ignore that there are several schools near my home and Laurel, Maryland shopping centers are distant. Besides, a horrible fate lingers in Laurel, even for someone like me. Even though Arthur Bremmer is otherwise occupied, there is some darkness best left avoided.
So today I learned that learning on a hot day has dire psychological consequences.
 I also learned that the British are downloading and consuming pornography at a record rate. This is perhaps even more disturbing than my close encounter with the schoolhouse door. Not because of the pornography, but because it seems as though those people will stop at nothing to avoid a trip to the dentist.
Record numbers of people are downloading pornography from the Internet, a survey revealed yesterday.
And campaigners fear that as computer porn becomes more widespread it will give more men unrealistic expectations of their love lives and threaten couples' relationships.
You know, nothing amazes me quite as much as the fact that the British were able to colonize a country as vast and dangerous as India, but still can't get it through their heads that if their wives or girlfriends can't fulfill the unrealistic expectations of pornography, they should find one that can. I'm hardly an intellectual, but that doesn't seem that threatening to me. And that's not just because I have a monsterously large putz and a tongue like an anteater, either.
There are also concerns that the growing number of people hooked on adult sites will fuel demand for illegal material such as child abuse.
I also learned that large numbers of British journalists have fallen for the nonsensical notion that adult pornography correlates in any way to child sex abuse. Adult women are very different from children. If there were some evidence to this assertion - like a sudden rise in six year olds getting really obnoxious breast implants and comical collogen lip injections - I might feel differently. Since no such evidence exists, I can only conclude that English reporters are stupid.
More than nine million men - almost 40 per cent of the adult male population - logged on to sex websites last year, more than four times as many as the estimated two million in 2000.
The number of women downloading Internet porn soared 30 per cent to 1.4 million.
Guess what? I'm not the only one who learned something today! Laura did, too! Or not. I suspect that she may have read about the growing female market for porn somewhere before. Let's just say that I'm expecting a post on "woman on woman hate", which is more demonstrably true (and far sexier) than what she actually did post.
Forty per cent of couples having problems with their relationships say Internet pornography is at least partly to blame.
Relationship experts said women have to compete with 'perfect' models online, which could lead to an explosion of young people unable to hold down normal relationships.
This leads me to conclude that everyone in the 40% is either stupid or mentally ill. And I suspect that 100% of that 40% are either women or gay men.
My lady friends out there might think that I'm not speaking for all men when I say this, but they're wrong. We took a vote when you weren't looking and I was nominated to speak for us all. The only people who are comparing our wives and girlfriends to porno stars are...... our wives and girlfriends.
Ladies, when was the last time your man asked you if you would ever leave him for Jude Law? I know the answer already. Never, is when. Yet, I've had no fewer than two girlfriends ask me if I would leave them for Selma Heyak. Needless to say that neither was much pleased when I told them that I would kill them for Selma Heyak.
 And you know why you insist on asking silly questions like that, don't you, ladies? You ask it because, deep inside, you secretly think that you're Jennifer Anniston and that, any second now, Angelina Jolie is going to swoop down and steal your man. Guess what? It ain't gonna happen. Firstly, there's only one Angelina out there, and she's sort of busy right now. Something about Namibia. And that guy next to you? He's no Brad Pitt. Trust me on that. Sure, I can coast through life based soley on my looks, but that's a very rare thing. Rare and beautiful.
Don't worry, girls. Your man isn't going anywhere. No porno chick is going to reach through the television screen and lead him by the cock off to the San Fernando Valley and out of your life. You can relax now.
Christine Lacey, a senior counsellor with the relationship advice service Relate, said: 'On the Internet there are no bounds.
'You can look at the most perfect bodies doing the most unusual sex practices and having sex whenever you want to watch.
'What normal woman can compete with that?
And that, boys and girls, is what the real issue is here. Men, for the most part, just aren't that competetive with each other that way. You will not hear one man watch another walk away and mutter "thick ankles." But I defy any of you to get through a day without hearing at least six women mutter it about another woman. Loudly. Often about a woman who isn't as hot as she is to begin with.
If women weren't so busy competing with pornography, they'd have to invent something else to compete with. I'm not saying that this is morally wrong, or even something that needs to be corrected. Hell, I find it endlessly entertaining. But it is what it is.
 So I also learned that British people like porn, hate dentists and aren't especially bright.
I also learned that I'm still in love with Jessica Alba's ass. Not that I didn't already know that. I just need to be reminded. 36 times a day.
And that's why the girls love me. Because I'm so deep.
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