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Thursday, September 14, 2006
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 ON ROLE-MODELS AND THE IMPORTANCE THEREOF
Gene Simmons of KISS once wrote of "a world without heroes, " in a way that suggests that it might not be such a good thing. I wasn't sure that he was right, but Gene Simmons of KISS has had sex with 4,200 women and I've only had about 25. Whenever I'm presented with opposing opinions on an important matter, I usually defer to the wisdom of someone who's had 4,200 women over someone who's had 25. That's why Gene Simmons of KISS plays such am important role in my life choices. Without Gene Simmons of KISS, I woudn't be the man who stands before you today, and the world would probably be a better place for it.
Heroes seem to be important, and not just because Gene Simmons of KISS says so. Generations of Americans outside of the former Confederacy worship Abraham Lincoln for the way he conducted the War of Northern Agression. When he could not forcibly deport his duskier citizens to Liberia or Haiti, he emancipated them. And then he was shot to death.
Millions worldwide model themselves after Mohandas Gandhi for single-handedly lifting the yoke of the British Empire from his native India and beginning the philosophical school of non-violent resistence. And then he was shot to death.
Martin Luther King, Jr. remains an inspiration to everyone for forcing into existence meaningful civil rights for his fellow African-Americans. Despite being shot to death, hundreds of American cities have named streets after King - where other people get shot to death. You know that you're a hero when your dream outlives you.
Few modern musicians are as adored for their idealism as was John Lennon. One can glean this because we continue to buy the katchkas sold by his wife and attend the musicals based on his songs. We can also overlook Elvis Costello's observation that Lennon was a millionaire who said "Imagine no possessions." We can probably ignore this because Lennon was shot to death. Getting shot to death is a good way to get people for ome of the sillier things that you've said and done, like saying that you're "bigger than Jesus" (which happened to be true) and getting fucked by Brian Epstein.
 Lindsay Lohan isn't a hero in the commonly understood sense of the word, if only because she hasn't been shot to death. But she is a role-model, and a profoundly important one. I don't think it overstates things to say that Miss Lohan is the single most important public figure living today.
Some of you might mock that assertion, but we should never forget that some of you are incredibly stupid. Everyone, especially young girls, needs someone that they can look up to and model their lives after. They certainly can't look up to their parents, because they're giant messes. Besides, most parents haven't seen each other since 1989, and are on their fifth marriages. Parents also have incredibly unrelaistic expectations for their children that serve only to damage them. These include remaining celibate, drug-free, and not regurgitating dinner as soon as they can get to a bathroom so that they might better stay slender. Lindsay knows there's a better way.
Just hours ago, I was speaking to my Zombie Queen about La Lohan. During our discussion, Zombie compared Lohan to Tara Reid. That assertion is disturbing in the same way that Holocaust denial is. As you can well imagine, I was outraged. Nothing could be more offensive or further from the truth. Lindsay is in the flower of her youth, while Reid is a washed-out hag at 31. Yes, men will subject Reid to brutal sexual degradation and use her hair to mop up the liquid love that doesn't land on her freakishly misshapen milkbags, but only to relieve stress and only when his friends aren't looking. One will do the same things to Lohan, but only as an act of love. And that, my friends, is a difference of monumental importance.
Any true gentleman looks at Tara Reid and sees Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Herbert Walker Cougar Mellencamp al-Passey. The two are sisters in their ridiculously hyper-inflated senses of self-worth and sex appeal. Both are the kind of women you let your friends fuck because you lost a football bet. Nothing more, nothing less. This might sound harsh, but football bets don't pay themselves off, now do they?
Zombie also cast aspersions on L.L's work ethic. I had to point out that Lindsay pretends for a living. Pretending can be very taxing work. Anyone with children know this. This is why children require so many naps. The pretending has taxed their energies to the limit. And if the evil overlords of Morgan Creek Productions can't appreciate Lindsay's need for an "exhaustion/asthma day" or thirteen, well, I can't think of anything more appropriate for them to do than go fuck themselves.
 Parents and other asshole adults are famously cynical pricks and see Lindsay's life as nothing more than a vapid exercise in changing from one bikini to another. This is but one reason why adults should never be listened to. Yes, Miss Lohan spends her share of time in skimpy bathing suits. This is nothing for her to be ashamed of. Indeed, with her body, she should spend more time in them. Young girls everywhere need to know that when they develop tight little bodies and great knockers, they should be flaunted before the paparazzi at every opportunity. What else are middle-aged men supposed to ruthlessly punishing their penises to, anyway? Our wives? Our girlfriends? When did you monsters all become the goddamn Taliban anyhow?
Obsessing on Lindsay's bikini choices also unfairly overlooks the rest of her wardrobe. Now, I'm not a woman (although I dress as one from time to time), so I can't know just how difficult it is to find an outfit that makes it appear that you're wearing nothing at all. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be. Your average woman only has two tits and a limited number of clothes. How can a woman ensure that her jugs accidently spill out of her top in a new and original way each time without going mad? You have to respect a woman who can handle that. And nobody does it better than L.L
Those fashionista motherfuckers also forget that Miss Lohan is a celebrity, and a rather prominent one at that. And it just wouldn't do for those famous funbags to fall out of the same dress twice. It wouldn't do at all.
Moralistic idiot parents also fail to realize the lessons Lohan can teach their children about financial responsibility. Lindsay Lohan is a millionaire several times over. She's the type of person that George W. Bush originally devoted his presidency to giving fiscally unwise tax cuts to. Yet even she maintains the discipline to avoid buying things that she doesn't need.
 Obviously, these things include panties. Panties are little more than a silly luxury for a woman who knows that she'll put them on, just to go to skippy's house, where they'll be savagely torn from her prone, sexually excited body. Not buying in them in the first place isn't just sound financial planning, it's simple common sense. The sooner parents everywhere instill those kinds of values in their daughters, they better off the world will be. Look at it this way, every dollar that isn't spent on frivolous underthings is a dollar that can be saved for Social Security. I thought you'd appreciate that logic, you greedy cocksuckers.
Lindsay's selfless program of underwear abstinence also serves another purpose. I'm sure everyone remembers Paris Hilton and her waste of skin friend, Brandon Davis being filmed on the Sunset Strip drunkenly denouncing La Lohan. They called her "Firecrotch," brilliantly taking her to task for being a natural redhead. This was a particularly brave thing for a retard like Davis to do, as using phrases like "firecrotch" around Paris Hilton might be considered inappropriate.
If you missed the video from last March, here it is.
Well, I bet that fat, coke-addled, rehab junkie piece of shit, fuckhead feels pretty stupid now. That's because Lindsay is shaved! Beautifully, wonderfully, fabulously bare. Just as a woman should be. We, and more importantly, Brandon Davis, would never know that if Lindsay obstructed the view of her cooter with underclothes. If there's one fault today's youth for, it would be their inability to defend what little integrity they have without sinking to the level of their antognists. In this, Lindsay Lohan is the ideal role model. She made her point without saying a single word! If that isn't classy, I just don't know what is.
In all honestly, I'm of two minds regarding Miss Lohan's cunt-cropping. While I firmly believe that all women should be as bald as the day as they were born - if only as a fitting homage to Telly Savalas - I'm all too familiar with the mystery, and yes, even the majesty, of red pubic hair. As a matter of fact, I'm still fascinated with my own, and I'm 36 years old. Also, red-haired genitals just taste better. Most of you will just have to trust me on this.
But I'm nothing if not a master of compromise. For that reason, I believe that all redheaded women should let their gentleman callers frollic in their firey pubic fields for the first few dates, then shave down, letting him think that it was done for him. That way, everybody wins.
Now that I've fixed that, I'll resolve that whole Iranian nuclear weapons mess next. No need to thank me, I'm just doing it for the children.
 Lindsay Lohan is also a role model because she knows a woman's proper place. Everyone should know that just because I'm a 6'1" Adonis, not every man is. In fact, some men are rather short. Men who are under six feet tall often feel sub-human. This is because they are. But until that wonderous day when dwarfish men can be butchered and their tiny hides sewn together to make outerwear for adult-sized people, they must be placated and consoled. I pity them as I would others with handicaps, but that doesn't stop me from thinking what they would be like as boots.
Miss Lohan is more sensitive than most in dealing with her vertically challenged lovers. She knows that these men are genetic failures, each and every one. And even though she knows that their skins would make a truly fabulous purse, she goes that extra mile in preserving for them a small measure of self-esteem. She may be naive in believing this, but Lindsay feels that even short people are people, too.
She comforts these men and their itty-bitty souls by never standing at eye level with them. In allowing them to appear physically more substantial than someone, she allows her runtish paramours some sense of humanity. While I disagree with this, I cannot bring myself to call her motives into question. Indeed, Lindsay has spent so much time on her knees that no one is sure just how tall she actually is. No one answers Frank Zappa's question, "Who needs the Peace Corps?" better than Lindsay Lohan.
 On bended knee, La Lohan seeks to bring comfort to the working man. While none of us can understand the demands placed upon her by prentending day in and day out, Lindsay knows knows that some of us toil relentlessly in the fields of our labor. Often times this is physically back-breaking work. Other times, it just means being nice to assholes who live in condominiums. After a day of professional struggle, a man requires some comfort - the solace only the lips of a kneeling starlet can provide. And without complaint, Lindsay Lohan is there for those flanneled warriors of work. And to think that the AFL-CIO doesn't hold a parade in her honor. Dammit, fair play demands that Labor Day be named after her.
At this point, I think that I've made a pretty compelling case that Lindsay Lohan shouldn't just be honored, she should actually be sainted. Meanwhile, most parents hope that their daughters can someday can contribute to society in the same manner as Mother Teresa.
But people often forget what a truly shitty attitude Mother Teresa had about almost everything. Yes, she worked amongst the poor, but she also kow-towed to truly disgusting people like Charles Keating and the Duvalier family of Haiti. In describing her work, she referred to poverty as "a gift from God." This makes her a truly twisted bitch and very probably a disappointing date, to boot. Your children, and the poor everywhere, will be better off if your little girl grows up like Lohan.
I read an essay about love this morning by the incandescently talented Joan of Seven Inches of Sense. Joan's hypothesis is that too many people sacrifice what they can have from love in the name of what they want. I know intimately how this works because Joan is everything a man could ever want in a woman. But I'll heed her words and settle for Lohan. If I've learned anything in my entirely too long life, it is that if you can't have God, you could certainly do worse than one of his angels.
Wow. I can't believe that I really wrote all of this just to have an excuse to post a picture of Lindsay Lohan's cleanly shaven cooter. I must be more talented than I give myself credit for.
I just hope that it didn't get anyone fired.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Redheaded Woman By: Bruce Springsteen From: MTV UnPlugged
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin
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