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Sunday, October 23, 2005
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 IN THE COURT OF THE MAXIMUM LEADER
If you took a poll of everyone who knows me personally, they would all tell you the same thing; no one appreciates a benevolent despot quite like I do. For that reason I met the news that the Maximum Leader of Naked Villainy fame would be visiting my fair city. The ML was in Toronto conducting very important business than I'm not at librty to discuss, and I looked forward to meeting him.
As you all know, I'm a great admirer of the good folks at Naked Villainy and they were early and important supporters of mine. I was shocked that such serious writers took a hack like me seriously and had such nice things to say about my maniacal rantings and amateur political anaysis. Their kind words gave me the confidence to continue onward and I'll be forever greatful to all of them for their support.
For most of the week, it didn't seem likely that we'd get the chance to hook up. You see, I have a job that requires me to get up obscenely early and I consequently have the bedtime of an infant. On the other hand, the Maximum Leader was here to engage in important matters of commerce. Our schedules kept conflicting.
Finally, I came home on Thursday afternoon thinking that I would collapse from the combined effects of exhaustion and despair. Before doing so, I decided to check my e-mail. It was a good thing that I did, as there was a message awaiting me. It turned out that the Maximum Leader's schedule had cleared up for the evening. We agreed to meet for some drinks within the hour.
I don't think I'm telling tales out of school by telling you that the Maximum Leader took up his stately residence at the Delta Chelsea hotel during his stay in the city. The Delta Chelsea is located at Younge and Gerard. I work about 20 blocks - or a 10 minute subway ride north of there. Had I have called from work, I would've made life much easier for myself. Since I'm incapable of making my life easy, I went home first, which is nearly twenty miles away. So back on the subway I went.
I had hoped to bring the great Dr. Reverend along, because he's a friend to bloggers everywhere. Anyone who reads the "What People are Saying About skippy" feature to the right should know that. And if you don't read the good Doctor's blog, you simply don't know what humanitarianism is all about. However, the hour was late and I know the good Doctor prefers to spend his Thursday evenings watching hockey and avoiding sucker punches to the crotch from his lovely wife. It's the simple pleasures that make like worth living.
Before I left, the Maximum Leader advised me that he came bearing gifts. Secrety, I longed for a Naked Villainy t-shirt, but what he had was even better. So very much better.
Being what I am - a desperately lonely alcohololic - I prefer conducting all of my social business in bars. The Maximum Leader, being the Maximum Leader, insisted that we meet in Monarch's pub. I entered with a degree of discomfort and trepidation because I had suddenly realized that when I meet a blogger, I almost always end up having sex with them. This is because I'm irresistably sexy. However, the Maximum Leader strikes me as a top and I'm far too manly to assume the submissive posture of a bottom. I've also never taken anything larger than a woman's fingers in my rectum, and the Maximum Leader is a large man. Okay, I'm lying about my rectum. One woman fit two fingers in there. I should've married her when I had the chance.
As always, my fears were unfounded. The Maximum Leader is a gracious man and he immediately put me at ease and the thoughts of being sodomized evaporated within moments.
It has been over a year since I last met another blogger, but the Maximum Leader and I fell into a fascinating conversation right away. Here's how I know it was fascinating. I smoke. Lots. As a matter of fact, I'm smoking right now. And in four hours, I excused myself for a cigarette but once. I didn't even notice the excruciating pains of nicotine, so compelling was my company.
Of course, the gifts helped. No sooner did I sit down than I was presented with a gift bag of goodies. I opened it to find the two most recent issues of National Review and pornography. Lots of pornography. Eight hours worth in all.That told me that the Maximum Leader is a thorough student of my writings. Few people know that while pornography gets me erect, few things make me climax more powerfully than the musings of Byron York. That's not kinky, is it?
The Maximum Leader told me of his shock when he saw that the porn merchant was an Arab gentleman. I didn't have the heart to tell him that all of the porn I've bought over the last two decades was purchased from Arabs. They pretty much corner the dirty bookstore market here. What can I tell you, Toronto is a pretty godless city. I'll let him tell you the complete story as its a great one and I couldn't possibly do it justice.
Our conversation came easily and was wide ranging. We discussed the mechanics of blogging and the inspiration thereof, how establishing the Mike World Order will require the impeachment of the president and the selective assissination of the Congress, politics in both the United States and Canada and what the 2008 presidential election will look like. The Maximum Leader was extremely gracious in not pointing out that I am in fact dumber than I look. You'd be surprised how many people do. Really, you would.
The highlight of the evening for me was the Maximum Leader's telling of a tale that will forever change the way I view a glass of scotch and the Cowboy Junkies third album, the impeccable Black Eyed Man. I also learned something that shocked and scared me. It turns out that colleges in the South have these student committies that can actually expel students. How fucked is that? Christ, it sound a lot like the 1966 Chinese Cultural Revolution to me. But what do I know about anything? After all, I dropped out of high school and I've been drunk pretty much ever since.
I also learned just how powerful a man the Maximum Leader actually is. I learned this because our dinner and drinks were gratis. In fact, the evening was paid for by a benefactor that you would least expect. I can't tell you who our benefactor was, but it would impress and bewilder you all. Actually, I've probably already said too much.
All in all, Thursday night was the most enjoyable time I've had in a long time that didn't involve either nudity or cocaine use. Should any of you have the opportunity to spend an evening with the Maximum Leader, I can't recommend that you do highly enough. I can guarantee that you'll have a great time, even if you do have to pay for your own dinner and drinks.
The only way that it could have been more fun would be if Smallholder came along. I need to discuss with him an address that I'd like to give to his class. I can't be absolutely certain of this, but I'm not entirely sure if a public school class has ever heard the words "auto-erotic asphyxiation" and "Justice John Paul Stevens" in the same sentence before. I haven't set foot in an elementary school in over twenty years, but I firmly believe that the children are our future and I'd like to do my part in shaping their civic outlook. You can still smoke and drink scotch in a classroom, right?
Anyhow, based on my evening in the Court of the Maximum Leader, I pledge my eternal fealty. If that doesn't get me promoted to Loyal Minion status, I don't know what will.
PermalinkLabels: Life With skippy
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