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Tuesday, September 20, 2005
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 GETTING FUCKED BY PORN STARS : NOT ALWAYS AS MUCH FUN AS YOU'D THINK
So, I was reading Seven Inches of Sense (which, if you're smart, you will too. And you're smart, aint'cha?) and I found that the lovely and talented Joan had put up a link to this story (Probably not work safe.)
Before I get to my dopey little point, I'd like to make the most unsurprising confession you'll ever hear. I'd really like to fuck a porn star. Actually, I'd like to fuck abut 30 of them.....and those are just the ones that I can come up with off of the top of my head as I write this. Now, I've taken some pretty unadventerous young ladies and - with time and patience - made them feel like porn stars. But they weren't. Well, not professional ones, anyway.
You see, I'd like to test a theory of mine out. As it happens, I've made every woman I've ever been with cum...HARD. Some of them took longer than others, some took some more cretivity, But I always got the job done. I know it's not like winning the Nobel Prize, or anything, but it's a track record I'm pretty proud of. I'm here to tell you that perseverence will pay off in the bedroom. It's just everywhere else that it'll break your heart.
Anyway, I don't think I'll be able to die secure in the knowlege that I've done all that I can do to fulfil my gentlemanly obligations until I've made a pro think that her head was about to expolde, using nothing but my tongue, fingers and schvantz. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But skippy, why don't you just make a prostitute cum?" I thought of that too, but it's my understanding that hookers are good little actresses and porn stars are not.
So I need to make a porn star get off so hard that she'll think that the world is ending around her. Otherwise, I'll never feel like a complete man. That's not shallow, is it?
 And that's where Sky Love came into the equation.
Just looka that, willya? Acceptable face, great body, nightmarishly fake titties and a spectacular ass ( NSFW). In other words, Shy Love is perfect for porn. Or not. You see, I've never heard of her before (and I'm supposed to know about such things.) But now that I've seen her naked, I'm pretty sure that she'll do.
Which is why the story that Joan posted filled me with so much glee. Yeah, you heard me right, glee! It isn't every day that I have an opportunity to fuck a porn star, now is it?
Well, I finally had a faint glimmer of hope. I finally had a reason to live.
Adult film sensation Shy Love is auctioning a package on eBay with net proceeds being donated to the American Cancer Society. The auction starts today so get ready to place your bids.
Love herself has put together a special offer for her fans to bid on which includes two full days with Shy Love, flight, hotel, activities that you and she decide to embark on together and one day on-set with Shy while she films a hard-core sex scene.
"Activities that she and I decide?" Need I say that I like the way that sounds? I have a pretty vivid imagination. I wonder if I bid more, I can get her sister involved too. Or her mom. Whatever.
Shy and the winner together will decide on the activities of the date on day one, no one else! Whether it’s a trip to an amusement park, dinner and a movie, a day at the beach or any other place you would like to visit while in sunny southern California, the choice is yours.
Dinner and a movie? Unless her rectum is considered an entree, I'm not sure I like where this is going.
The lucky winner will get to take home a DVD containing all of the activities you experienced with Shy on your days together, as well as a personalized autographed copy of her new Interactive DVD "Shy Love’s Cum Play with Me", a promotional poster and a personalized Polaroid and autographed glossy.
Uh oh. Ummm, Shy? May I have a word with you? Unless he's getting a Polaroid of himself elbow deep in you, I seriously doubt that a guy is going to pay big bucks for a pictures that proves that he paid a shitload of money NOT to fuck a porn star. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I've been thought of as a pretty good judge of character in my day.
Love said, "I have been thinking about this DVD release for months but I felt we needed an edge, to make it awesome. I think having the auction end on the day my new High Def Anal Interactive DVD hits the streets is a terrific idea! I can’t wait to see who is the highest bidder, male or female!"
Oh, that fucking BITCH! She doesn't care about cancer! If she did, she let you bid on bending her over like this (NSFW) and find out for yourself just how "interactive" she likes her "High Def Anal" (and no, don't think for a second that I let my anger stop me from thinking just how funny the phrase "High Def Anal Interactive" is.)
The bidding starts at only $2,500.00, so please click on the link, http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5615251877 place your bid, and remember, this auction is for a good cause with net proceeds benefiting the American Cancer Society.
$2,500.00???? Bidding STARTS at $2,500.00?!? You've gotta be fucking kidding me! Would you pay $2,500.00 to go to fucking Disneyland with some porno slut who won't even let you do stuff to the two Magic Mountains that she already has on her chest? Christ, she'd be lucky if I didn't break her jaw and take my money back for being such a cock tease.
You know what the worst part is? That there's probably no shortage of putzes out there who will give away years of gas-pumping money with the idea that they might get to fuck Shy Love - if that is her real name - in the ass if they don't treat her like a complete whore.
Goddammit, I'm pissed off! There are only two reasons that I have any interest in Shy Love at all now. First, there are innumerable things that I'd like to do to her ass. Second, I'm dying to see the statement that the American Cancer Society issues when they accept her cheque. That might just be funny enough to make all of my frustration worthwile.
Guys, you wanna feel good about yourselves? Give money to a Hurricane Katrina relief fund and masturbate with your left hand as you videotape it. Then send Shy Love a videotape of you writing the cheque and beating off.
At least you'll maintain some dignity.
PermalinkLabels: The Girls of Porn
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