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Monday, February 20, 2006
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 GET YOUR WINGS
If there's one thing that I've noticed about women over the years, it's that they can be very peculiar about their menstrual cycles. Well, most of them are. The worst part is that you never know which ones are going to freeze up over a little blood. Or a lot of blood, whichever the case may be.
At this point, I should tell you all a secret that I don't often share with people. I love performing cunnilingus. Honestly, I just can't get enough of it. Were I not such a hideous man, I'd have very little time to blog, so busy would I be between a woman's thighs. My discussions with my male peers have revealed to me that I may be more unique in this respect. A good number of gentlemen will do the deed only because its expected of them. Of course, I might be wrong. A good percentage of my social circle are unreconstructed Taliban, so you never know.
No less a scholar than Aerosmith's Steven Tyler teaches that "you ain't seen nothin' 'till you're down on the muffin then you'll surely be changing your ways." Now who am I to disagree with such insight? This is why the former Mr. Tallarico has been something of a guiding light to me over the years. I also learned that "the high that you get from that crack don't last, I'd rather be sniffin' on the crack of your ass" from him. But that's another discussion for another day.
As I've mentioned previously, I've been spending a good deal of time spraking to a certain Beautiful Young Lady. I would be lying to you if I said that our shared openness about things sexual wasn't one of the things that has brought us together as friends. Oh, and I'm a very, very sensitive man. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Last week, the Beautiful Young Lady revealed a fantasy of hers that she tells me that she's never shared with anyone before. She disclosed that she would very much enjoy a gentleman caller demonstrating his oral skill on her whilst menstruating. Perhaps the Beautiful Young Lady thought that I would be shocked by this revealation. Instead, she was the one in store for a shock when I told her that I had indeed been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and endorsed the destination to any and all that would listen.
You know how in TV shows the edges of the screen get all wobbly and shimmery as a character slips into a dream sequence? Well, I suggest that you all spin around really fast in your chairs for the next five minutes before reading any further, because skippy's about to do so rememberin'.
Some time ago, I was with a wonderful woman who would become very, very important to me. The first time that we were together, she had let me know that there was something of a problem. Some weeks earlier, she had recieved an injection to regulate her menstruation. She was one of the few women who had suffered a rare side effect. She was menstruating out of control. This didn't seem to bother either of us, as we immediately went about having hours and hours of deeply satisfying sex. Thankfully, we were in a hotel room, so we could go out to breakfast leaving the room looking like a crime scene. Even more thankfully, the maid service didn't report what must have looked like a murder to the authorities.
Being the gentleman that I am, I offered to go down on her. She said that she, "couldn't ask me to do that." I, being socially retarded, took that to mean that she didn't want it. As is the case with most things, I was wrong. After a couple of days, I could resist no longer and went to town on her genetilia. And I did so for a very, very long time.
Afterward, I told her that I hoped that she didn't mind. Not only did she not mind, she thought it was fantastic. Her reluctance to "ask me to do that" was just that, a reluctance to ask. My companion was not only impressed with my open-mindedness, she fell in love with me on the spot, and our relationship was off to a swimming start. Furthermore, it marked the beginning of a long aquaintance between her and the only thing about me that isn't completely worthless, my tongue.
Not only had I learned a great deal that week, I had earned my "Red Wings" and was secure in the knowledge that Hell's Angels everywhere would thereafter embrace me as something of a spiritual brother.
A number of years later, I was seeing another young woman. We had a date one evening and resolved to spend it at her place. I started getting a little amorous, as one is given to do, and was immediately halted. It wasn't "a good time" for what she knew to be one of my more enthusiastic passions. I let her know that it wasn't that uncomfortable for me if it wasn't for her.
She responded in a way that confused me. She said that she should've have told me about her condition so that I could have made other plans. I liked this girl. In fact, I liked her a lot. I enjoyed her company so much that the sex was incidental. If it happened, great. If it didn't, that was fine, too. It also happened to be true. There was nowhere I would've rather been that night.
In any event, we spent what I thought was a very pleasant evening together, coitus-free. It was only later that I learned that she was less than enamoured with my company. Shit happens, I suppose. All that makes her guilty of is good taste. Far be it from me not to respect that.
The reason I tell these two stories about two different women, years apart in my life is because they are a study in contrasts. One couldn't have been more receptive to my oral attentions, while the other had a flash in her eyes that told me that she'd like nothing better than to hit me with one of the high-heeled boots that made her tall enough to qualify as an adult at an amusement park. By the way, those are some hot boots.
The point is that no two women are alike when it comes to a man offering oral gratification at what is a seemingly inopportune time. Some women are receptive, others are not, and still others actively fantasize about it. If there's a common element at work, it's that they are universally shy about bringing it up themselves. That being the case, it is left to the modern gentleman to broach the topic.
I'm not going to lie to you, guys. You probably won't get a halfway response once you do. You'll either be met with eternal devotion or furious anger. Some women will see it as a perfect expression of your desire to see them pleased. Others will see it as something filthy and horrible and shun you as a consequence, Those remaining will just be confused because they're used to being treated like shit even when they don't have the aforementioned crime scene between their legs.
If I were to recommend anything to my gentleman readers, I would suggest that you give it a shot. Most women probably aren't much different than the examples I cited above. One will have fantasized about it and love you forever. Another will realize what she's been missing and love you forever. And another might seriously consider hitting you with a boot with a six inch heel. But all three should at least recognize that you want to do something nice for them. By the way, a good hard orgasm has been known to relieve menstrual cramping in some women.
Besides, this isn't some demented kink you're asking her to bear. That would involve asking her to eat a box of laxatives three hours before a date and dumping her wet, gastric juices on your forehead. This is a case of your giving of yourself for her satisfaction, something women find lacking in the modern gentleman.
Going down on a menstruating woman is a lot like love itself. If you put the idea out there and she runs away, let her go because she was never yours to begin with. But if she's into it, you'll make her very happy, and chances are that she'll want to make you happy.
Certainly, none of this will rsolve all of your romantic issues, but it won't hurt to get your wings,
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Lick it Up By: Kiss. From: Lick it Up
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