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Wednesday, August 17, 2005
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 ON L. COHEN, SWINDLED AND BANKRUPT: A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've long held a pet theory and now seems as good a time as any to let you in on it. The theory is as follows: Even the smartest musician is still about dumb as your average housepet. Maybe that's not fair, I shouldn't single musicians out. All art-type people are roughly as stupid as you can get and still breathe unassisted.
I don't think that they're naturally stupid, mind you. I think they devote so much time honing the craft that makes them successful, that they never bother learning anything about how life really works. This is how John Lennon got away with being a millionaire who sang "imagine no possessions" without looking like too much of a douchebag.
For years, I thought that Leonard Cohen was the exception that proved the rule. Leonard Cohen is not only a brilliant songwriter - every bit as good as Bob Dylan, if not as prolific - but an accomplished poet and novelist. I highly recommend Cohen's second novel, Beautiful Losers, to my entire, semi-literate readership. It is a work of genius. Furthermore, Cohen has managed to lead a very healthy lifestyle despite not selling Britney Spears amounts of records. And seriously, just how many books of poetry have you bought lately? Enough to support Leonard Cohen? I didn't think so.
As it happens, I was wrong about Leonard. It turns out that he's made every dopey mistake that make musicians the laughing stock of financial planners everywhere. And, as a consequence, he's broke.
The conflict, which Cohen and others have tried to keep out of public view, has left him virtually broke -- he's had to take out a mortgage on his house to pay legal costs -- and facing a multi-million-dollar tax bill. But the artist, who is soon to release a new album with his collaborator -- and current girlfriend -- Anjani Thomas, is today remarkably calm about the potentially embarrassing conflict. Still, when he discovered last fall that his retirement funds, which he had thought amounted to more than $5 million (all figures U.S.), had been reduced to $150,000, he wasn't so sanguine. "I was devastated," Cohen says. "You know, God gave me a strong inner core, so I wasn't shattered. But I was deeply concerned."
Firstly, who knew Leonard Cohen was worth $5 million? Seriously, the guy doesn't sell a whole lot of records. Secondly, how the fuck can he be "calm" about losing 5 million dollars?
The answer to the second question also explains how he lost that much bank in the first place. You see, Cohen spent the better part of the Ninties on a mountain somewhere studying Zen Wonderstuff in the hopes that he might someday become the Grand Wizard of Goofy Religions. During this time, he was so preoccupied looking for his "inner eye" or something that he wasn't preoccupied enough with keeping his outer eyes on the people managing his money. So they stole it all. Go figure - or, as Buddhists like to say, "wu-wei."
Did I mention that Buddhism annoys me?
Leonard made some of the dumbest mistakes known to man, particularly with someone not known for stellar album sales. Let's look at the example of someone else that didn't do big album numbers, Frank Zappa. Zappa never set the world on fire sales-wise. But he did own EVERYTHING he put his name to. This meant that he didn't have to sell a lot to make a healthy back-end profit. Most artists make maybe 15% of the wholesale cost of a CD. Zappa, who self-produced and distribted his work, made around 80%. Plus he owned his publishing, which is where the REAL money is in music. This is why Michael Jackson makes more money from "Yesterday" than Paul McCartney does.
When Zappa died in 1993, he had a codicil in his will that forced his estate to sell his masters and publishing. This sale brought the Zappa family about $250 million. Not bad for a guy who never had a platinum album or a top forty hit.
In the Ninties, Cohen sold not only his publishing, but also all of his future royalties. This is something that is so monumentally stupid that only Elvis Presley - who put on a lab coat and invented idiotic musician behaviour - had done it before. And that was only because Elvis was hemmorraging money. On the other hand, Cohen doesn't have a Jungle Room to maintain. You ever try to get crushed oxycontin and cum out of a tigerskin throw cushion? I have, and I'm here to tell you that it's pricey.
Cohen also says he learned only recently that the two sales of his intellectual property to Sony were unnecessary. He understands now that those properties earned roughly $400,000 a year, before taxes. That was plenty for him to support what he calls his modest lifestyle. Cohen accuses Lynch of creating the deals in order to boost her own income. He paid her 15 per cent of his income, which generally earned her $90,000 a year, he says. With the sales of his intellectual property bringing in revenue in the millions, it boosted her income to seven figures.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. He gave up a steady, comfortable income for a big payday that made everyone but Cohen rich. Not only should he be suing the parasites, he should go on tour to raise enough money to put a mob hit on them.
Speaking of touring, Cohen, who was never a big fan of it in the first place, now has little other choice but to go back out on the road. Keep in mind that Leonard is now seventy years old and can't afford to go out on a big, comfy, Rolling Stones-type tour. Oh no, he'll be schleping around in the back of a fucking bus for two and a half years. This is great if you're like me and you've never seen Cohen live, but it'll suck for Leonard. Touring is great if you're in you're twenties, snoke a lot of coke, bang anonymous chicks and don't mind singing "Pour Some Sugar on Me" night after night for years at a time. But the road is a big pain in the ass for someone half of Leonard's age. There is, after all, a reason that Cohen hasn't gone out in 12 years.
But without his publishing or royalties, a tour is the only way he can raise the money to finance the lawsuit which may (or may not) restore his retirement fund.
When he does go on the road, I'll definately go see him. I've long been a great admirer of his. In fact, I was discussing my wish that he'd tour with Dr. Reverend just two weeks ago. But I'll see that concert with a twinge of sadness. It'll suck seeing someone so great not because he wants to be there, but because he has to be. Say what you will about the Rolling Stones, but they actually WANT to tour.
I don't know how I'll react to seeing someone who conducted his career with such tremendous dignity end up like that. Seeing someone who doesn't want to go out on tour spending his twilight years doing one-nighters out of financial necessity will just be incredibly sad.
Hopefully, my younger readers will take this story to heart and take an accounting course before they even think about picking up a guitar.
Christ, this story is heartbreaking.
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, I Hate Music
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