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Sunday, November 06, 2005
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NEW JERSEY: HOME OF THE SEXY!
As we all know, there's a gubenatorial election in the Graden State on Tuesday. Well, we all know it, but very few of us actually care. This race is essentially over and has been for a year. Ever since he announced his candidacy, it has been a forgone conclusion that U.S Senator and trazilionaire Jon Corzine will soon be custodian of the world's largest garbage dump.
The worst part is that the race couldn't have been more boring. Maybe I've been spoiled by Jersey politics, controlled as it is by a cabal of sundry Sopranos and barely closeted homosexuals who realize their "truth" in their fifties.
By the way, where have you gone James McGreevey? A nation turns it's lonely eyes to you. Ooo - Ooo-Ooo.
Much of the paralyzing boredom has to do with the candidates. Jon Corzine has bought his state before. The former chairman of Goldman Sachs spent some 68 million dollars of his own money just to win the nomination for the senate back in 2000. Previously, the most expensive senate race in American history was that of the brazenly inept (and poorly closeted homosexual) California hopeful, Michael Huffington, who spent $28 million in 1994.
New Jersey businessman Doug Forrester, meanwhile is incapable of winning anything other than the Republican nomination. Winning the nomination itself might sound impresive enough, until you consider that there are only about 9 other Republicans in New Jersey. And four of them are in prison and the other four are poorly closeted homosexuals who don't want their wives to find out how they know the exact location of every rest stop on the Jersey turnpike. The lastRepublican in New Jersey is, you've got it, Jon Corzine. Someone from Goldman /Sachs knows how to hedge his bets.
Corzine was virtually annointed governor from the day he declared. I decided that early. And there's virtually no fun in writing about an election that so lopsided as to barely qualify as democratic. Christ, this is the kind of campaign that Saddam Hussein was used to back in the good old days. So I determined early on that unless one of the candidates was discovered to have been suck-starting his unqualified Israeli security advisor (which New Jersey governors are famous for), I'd ignore the state entirely this year.
Besides, as of Wednesday, Corzine held a 12- point lead in the most reliable poll there is in the state. Fuck it, I thought. This race was over before it began and there's virtually no hope of anything changing in any significant way. So why bother writing about it at all, other than the fact that the love of my life asked me to? Even someone as cosmically gifted as I am can't make something like this interesting for my legion of readers in Swaziland.
So you might be asking why I'm writing about it now. And that's a good question.
Well, the race finally got interesting.
With the help of reporters and their newspapers, the once-sleepy New Jersey governor's race turned into one of the seamiest in memory this weekend. On Friday reporters carried charges of extramarital affairs back and forth between the two major candidates, Sen. John Corzine, the Democrat, and Republican Douglas Forrester.
Both candidates had to rebut allegations of sexual affairs, a day after the release of a television commercial that quoted Corzine's ex-wife. She has accused Corzine of having an affair with an aide, among other charges.
Then Forrester denied he had an extramarital affair, which was reported in a New York Daily News gossip column that attributed the allegation to an e-mail it received.
The allegations against Corzine are more detailed than those against Forreter. And the fact that they're coming, in part, from his ex-wife make them way uglier and therefore, more fun.
Corzine has refused to comment on the claim of his ex-wife that he had an extra-marital affair with Carla Katz, the president of a union that represents thousands of state workers. He has confirmed that he was later romantically involved with her and that he had made, and later forgiven, a $470,000 mortgage for her.
On Friday, however, Corzine did deny a new allegation raised by reporters yesterday regarding another woman.Corzine, campaigning in Newark, was asked by reporters whether he had a sexual relationship with a former staffer. He said the rumors were not true and said, "I'm not going to comment on that kind of low, guttural politics going on in this state.''
Let's start with the Katz story. The fact that he isn't denying it says a lot. Specifically, that it's true.
But the financial aspect of this is interesting. Since Corzine was a federal office holder at the time and Katz represented state employees, there was no obvious conflict of interest at the time. However, if he becomes governor, then its a different ballgame. He will be in frequent and close negotiations with a woman he used to fuck. Not just any woman he used to fuck, mind you, a woman he used to fuck that he essentially gave nearly half a million dollars to.
Even in a state where financial disagreements, romantic relationships and, most importantly, union business routinely are resolved with homicide, this is a pecular situation. Most guys don't give away 500 grand to their fuck buddies. One can only conclude one of two things about Carla Katz; either she has the snappingest pussy in human history, or she has some information about Jon Corzine that the Senator would prefer to keep quiet.
Interesting no? Certainly the former Mrs. Corzine thinks so.
Forrester said Friday he thought it was fair to use a remark by Corzine's ex-wife, Joanne Corzine, that first appeared in Wednesday's New York Times. "All I could think was that Jon did let his family down, and he'll probably let New Jersey down, too,'' she told the newspaper. She has said her former husband's political ambitions destroyed their 33-year marriage. The couple divorced in 2003, three years after he was elected to the U.S. Senate.
Most Americans think of themselves as "pro-family" types. To have the ex-wife appear in an opponent's campaign ad saying that her esrtwhile hubby will let the people down has gotta hurt at some level.
But the second story, the one that hit the Drudge Report last night is so much better.
New Jersey Public Radio & Television aired a report Friday night in which New Jersey Democratic Candidate for Governor Jon Corzine was grilled about whether a staffer he allegedly had an affair with -- had an abortion.
NJN News' Michael Aron reported Friday: "The press is interested right now in personal conduct. Corzine was asked about a persistent rumor that he had an affair with a staffer whom the reporter identified by name."
Sen. Jon Corzine: "A, not true. B, I'm not going to comment on the kind of, I think, low, guttural politics that's going on over and over in this state, and I think the ad that was talked about was just symptomatic of that."
NJN's Michael Aron: "He was asked about a rumor that the same staffer had an abortion in Ohio. " Reporter: "Can you respond to those rumors that are circulating?"
Corzine: "Trash."
Uh Oh. Playing hide the sausage with the head of the public employees union is one thing, but fucking the staff is quite another. One can always ask President Clinton how well it worked out for him. And if she did get knocked up, that suggests that she's significantly younger than the Senator. This usually doesn't play well with woman voters, who are famously paranoid that their husbands will eventually run off with a young secretary, however improbable that paranoia might be.
The abortion story is damaging in its own way. Senator Corzine is famously pro-choice on the issue of abortion. However, exercising that choice usually doesn't involve picking which state said choice is exercised in. Rarely do you hear the folllowing, "There's no place like Cincinnatti in the spring when it comes to a theraputic abortion. If you get room #5 at about noon, the sun hits the stirrups in the most marvelous way."
The fact that he's sending is girl to the mid-west to take care of the problem tells me that he knew that it's a problem. Assuming, of course, that the story is true. Which I do, because it's incredibly funny. Who knew that Jon Corzine was such a well-oiled fuck machine?
But to take another tack, how can you blame these ladies? Come on, just look at Jon Corzine! The guy is obviously a Love God! That smile, combined with his position on Taft-Hartley, is all the panty-peeler he needs. He's like a boring Tommy Lee with a worse haircut.
This story also explains something a little closer to home. It explains why Judy is getting married on November 11.
You see, I have a lot of years experience with Miss Judy and I can tell you that she' s the hottest little minky on the Eastern Seaboard (although during my years with her, she lived on the West Coast.) And now she lives in the Land of Corzine. Given that her fiance is marrying her and I'm not demonstrates that he's smarter than the average bear. Presumably, the fiance can read polling data as well as I can and knows that Corzine is a shoe-in for election.
The election will be held on Tuesday the 8th. The marriage is on Friday the 11th. New Jersey is a big place and it could take a long as three days to drag his monsterous Corzine cock through the toxic sludge that is most of New Jersey. By the time that the Sexy Bastard gets to her house, Judy will be safely honeymooning - hopefully out of state.
This proves two things to me. Firstly that Judy's fiance is an adept strategic thinker, which is important. Christ, it wouldn't suprise me that the fiance is the source for BOTH Corzine stories. Secondly, it also demonstrates that Judy has finally developed a taste in men. After too many wasted years with losers like me , she finally seems to have found a man who is something approaching worthy of her. I can't tell you how thrilled I am to hear that. She's the most special broad I know and deserves every ounce of happiness she has and then some.
Since I can't be there to toast the bride in person, I'd like to do it here. After all, this dopey fucking blog was her idea in the first place and she was, and is, the biggest of my original supporters. If the rest of you are given to embarassment by sloppy demonstrations of personal affection, I suggest that you avert your eyes.
I'd like to toast the Bride.
I first met Judy in the fall of 1998, just over seven years ago. When I met her, I connected with her in a way that I hadn't with anyone before. One of the things that struck me was that there was aboslutely nothing false or pretentious about her. She's the most beautifully honest person I've ever met. That she allowed me into her life and into her family remains the great honor of my life.
Prior to meeting her, I never thought that anyone could ever love me for what I am, as opposed to what they thought I could potentially be. But Judy did. When I first met Judy, I was a self loathing bastard with massive self-esteem issues and a drinking problem. Today I stand before you as a slightly less self-loathing bastard with fewer self-esteem issues and a drinking problem.
That she let me into the lives of her children, and that at least one of them looked up to me was the revelation of a lifetime to me. It taught me that I might not be the scumbag that I always thought I was. Few things will ever be as important to me as that was. And I'll always walk through hell to help Judy or either of her kids. All they have to do is say the word.
I learned how to be in a relationship from Judy. Most importantly, I learned what not to do. I can't help but think how much different things would be today had I have learned those lessions sooner or how sorry I am that I didn't. But this isn't the time or the place for any of that.
This is a time to celebrate Judy's love and happiness. Having experienced both, I can't tell you what a precious gift that is. It is a gift that I'll always cherish and one I know that Judy's new husband will as well. As much as I'm saddened by the fact that our time together is just a memory now, I want to join in celebrating her future. I know it will bring her far more joy than the past has, and she deserves nothing less.
The groom is marrying the most special of women, someone capable of total love and acceptence. I know that I'll never meet anyone like her again, but the groom won't have to. Cherish her and love her and you'll never find a more fierce defender or a more loyal friend. I can only say this about myself, I'm a better man for having known Judy.
May you both enjoy a long, happy life together. I wish you both Joy.
Didn't I tell you that I'd get around to writing about the Jersey governor's race, Angel?
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