 SEAN CONNERY SMACKS HIS BITCH UP
If there's one thing that the discerning gentleman admires about pimps, it would be their unquestioned ability to discipline their bitches. We all know how important discipline is in modern life, and the ability to instill it in others is something to be looked up to.
As it happens, Sean Connery is less James Bond than Huggy Bear.
Some Sean Connery fans are shaken - not stirred - by allegations the former James Bond star's ex-wife is making.
Diane Cilento, who was married to Connery for 11 years starting in 1962, has written her autobiography and in it, she discusses those long-whispered about rumors that he hit her. In "My Nine Lives," which is being published in the U.K later this week, According to an interview in the London Times, Cilento writes that in 1965, after she danced with a wedding party at a hotel in Spain where the couple was staying, she returned to her room and felt a blow to the face and Connery knocked her to the floor. "She got to her feet, but a second blow knocked her back," reports the paper.
When one is outclassed, one should know to stay down. Apparently, this is as true of marriage as it is of boxing.
My favourite part of that paragraph is the part of "those long-whispered about rumours." You see, this is a classic media ploy. You can't report on rumours, as that usually constitutes libel. Tom Cruise is rumoured to be a cock-hog, but you don't read that in the Wall Street Journal, because Cruise would sue them out of existence. And the United Kingdom, where Connery lives, has much more liberal libel laws than does the United States.
New York Times Co. v. Sullivan (1964) granted the press some latitude in covering public figures, but it did not grant an absolute immunity. Reporting a rumour often causes more damage to the public figure than the newsworthiness of it. But the second that a woman says that Sean Connery hit them or a man says that Tom Cruise teabagged them, the rumours become journalistic fair game. That's why Tom Cruise is rumoured to teabag only those men who can keep their mouths shut, which seems counterproductive at first glance.
Of course, Connery hasn't done a whole lot to discourage those rumours over the years.
Connery has always denied that he hit his wife, but that year he was quoted in Playboy as saying, "I don't think there is anything particularly wrong in hitting a woman, though I don't recommend you do it in the same way you hit a man."
Which is true enough. Women famously have glass jaws and it isn't particularly sporting to exploit that. Women, like children, are noteworthy for their inability to take a punch. Would the world be a more entertaining place if they could? Absolutely, but a gentleman accepts life for what it is as opposed to what it should be.
And in 1993, he was quoted In Vanity Fair as saying "Sometimes there are women who take it to the wire. That's what they are looking for - the ultimate confrontation. They want a smack." Connery has said that those comments were taken out of context.
When discussing a woman's desire to be smacked, context is everything. Christ, everybody knows that.
I was discussing this topic with my brilliant and beautifully beknockered Zombie Queen just yesterday. Zombie is one of those girls who finds Connery to be smoulderingly sexy, which confuses me because Sean Connery is 413 years old. Then I remembered that she also gets damp in the drawers over John Malkovich, who I am said to resemble, so I learned not to question her tastes long ago.
We agreed that Connery is right and there indeed are woman out there who "want a smack." Usually on the ass. Frequently while doing other things that a gentleman shouldn't discuss in public, but does anyway. That Zombie is one of those women is but one reason that she is one of my very best friends. The other reasons are that she is possessed of an exceptional mind, a cutting wit and diamond-hard nipples, all of which have haunted me for years.
 The most disappointing part of this story is that happened back in 1965 and not last week. I'm not endorsing spousal abuse, but if it absolutely has to happen (which it apparently does), it should be committed by a senior citizen. I'm not sure why, but few things are funnier than a guy in a diaper kicking a little ass. A guy in a diaper and a kilt kicking said ass may be the single funniest image of all.
We've all learned a lot today and a review might be helpful. So, let's, shall we?
- The media are jackals.
- Tom Cruise is rumoured to be a fairy, but saying so is a bad idea because Tom Cruise is very litigeous.
- Women are less than capable boxers.
- Context is important when discussing the battering of women.
- Zombie is smart, funny and blessed with georgeous cans.
- Women who enjoy a slap on the ass during carnal encounters is something there should be more of. A lot more.
- Sean Connery may have been a real prick 41 years ago.
- There's nothing funnier than violent old people in diapers and skirts.
I think that's about it. Class dismissed. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Smack My Bitch Up By:The Prodigy From: The Fat of the Land Permalink
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