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Wednesday, November 16, 2005
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ON THE SMELL OF VICTORY.... AMONG OTHER THINGS
You know, when you're discusing an entire region of the world's second-largest country, using words like "subhuman" is probably unwise and politically incorrect. But I've never been accused of being politically correct or particuarly wise, now have I?
Besides, when one is describing a place like Quebec, few other words can give you the appropriate flavor of the place. After all, there are only some 400,000 words in the English language and very few of the sumarize "less than fully evolved" in one shot. Sure, there could be others, but I'm not particularly literate. So, I guess that "subhuman" will have to do.
To be fair, when Quebec decides to get evolved in certain ways, it doesn't do a half-assed job about it. It goes at breaking taboos in a full-fucking bore, take no prisoners kind of way. Why, the Partis Quebecois proved that just like night.
The Parti Quebecois is far and away the most popular political party in Quebec. And their raison d'etre is the speration of Quebec from the rest of Canada, which is a worthy goal and one that the more enlightened elements of English Canada share. Look, I wouldn't have anything against the "French fact in North America" if I didn't loathe the French fact in France.
Oh, I started out talking about the PQ, didn't I?
If nothing else, the PQ has been lead by some pretty fascinating personalities. In fact, some of them have actually been elected premier of the province. That you'd have to be awfully goddamn compelling to get that many people to vote so heavily against their economic, social and even national self-interest goes without saying. Everyone who has ever studied the issue can tell you that an independent Quebec will more closely resemble a Steinbeck novel than it would the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. And you have to have a pretty rockin' personality cult to get folks to vote for that.
The PQ first attained power under the drunken, manic-depressive, wife-beater Rene Levesque. Follwing Levesque's decline, fall and death, the PQ spent nearly a decade in the political widerness. Suddenly, the firey Jaques Parizeau became primier and the fun really began. Parizeau spent the night of the fatefull 1995 soverignty referendum getting hammered, so certain was he of his rightful victory. When he learned of the ballot's loss by less than one-half of one percent, he gave a drunken, race-baiting "concession" speech that drove him out of politics the very next day.
Parizeau was immediatedly succeeded by the celebrated one-legged psychopath, Lucien Bouchard. Bouchard spent most of term in office fitting himself for a Napolean uniform that he didn't notice his political support turning to dust despite repeated majorities in the National Assembly. Eventually, Bouchard got the message and retired to bark at houses in his golden years.
Following Bouchard was Bernard Landry, the most interesting thing about whom was the fact that he's a socialist. And like all socialists, Landry was exceptionally boring. Premier Landry sucked so hard that hewas eventually beaten by History's Greatest Loser, Quebec Liberal leader, Jean Charest. Earlier this year, Landry became as disgusted with himself as everyone else had long been and resigned, as it was the only plausible alternative to a very public suicide.
Of course, that resignation meant a leadership race. Unlike in the rest of Canada, leadership races in Quebec are downright fascinating. In English Canada, your likelihood of becoming the leader of a major political party is directly proportionate to your ability not to clash too much with the furniature. In Quebec generally - and the Parti Quebecois specifically - you can be a guy who lives under a bridge and talk about nothing but the war that God and the Devil that is fought entirely in your own skull and be assured a spot on the second ballot.
Given that stark political reality, everyone who knows anything was able to tell you that Andre Boisclair was the natural choice to become the next leader - and, very probably, the next Premier of Quebec.
Boisclair is an, um... colorful character. Firstly, he's openly gay. And by "openly gay", I don't mean the "I only fall in love with other men and it's private so fuck you" kind of openly gay. I mean the "hitting on the interviewer of a major Quebec radio show live on the air while in a race to lead the province's largest political party" kind of openly gay. And in a place that's something like 250% Roman Catholic, that's like going to every local church in Quebec and slapping his testicles against the chin of the priest. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I guess what I'm saying is that Boisclair is gay. Really, really gay!
Which could be a positive, I suppose. For example, if he were running to be the governor of New Jersey, not only would he win, the birth rate would drop to zero and no man in the Garden State would ever sit suddenly without wincing ever again. Long story short, Jersey loves its homo governors.
But if you think that brazen butt-huggery is Andre Boisclair's only selling point, then you don't know Andre Boisclair at all. As it happens, Boisclair is well-versed in all manner of "blow."
In September, Boisclair, 39, admitted to using cocaine, not only in his youth, but during the period he was a Quebec cabinet minister.
Wowee. That explains more to me about Quebec government in the Ninties than I ever thought I'd know.
And guess what, teenagers? He's here, he's queer, he's chock-full of drugs....and he's now the Leader of Quebec's Official Opposition. Last night, Andre Boisclair was elected with 54% of the vote on the first ballot.
Some of my more politically astute readers might think that the PQ just blew their own heads off. Those readers would be wrong. You have to remember that the incumbent premier, Jean Charest, is History's Greatest Loser. Charest, the erstwhile "Champion of Canada" became primier by accident and did so in a province where soverignty is polling somewhere in the neighbourhood of 60%.
And Charest is massively unpopular.
With Jean Charest's Liberal government trailing badly in opinion polls, Mr. Boisclair is in position to become Quebec's next premier and lead the "Yes" forces in a third sovereignty referendum. A poll published on Friday by La Presse put a Boisclair-led PQ 20 points ahead of the Liberals, picking up 41% of support compared with 21% for the Liberals. (The Action Democratique du Quebec, Mario Dumont's party, was second at 22%.)
Mr. Charest must call an election by April, 2008, but a vote is more likely in 2007.
And Charest currently enjoys a 70% disapproval rating. To my American readers, that's nearly twice as unpopular as President Bush is. I'm not saying that Charest can't recover from numbers like that, just as I wouldn't suggest that the city of Chicago will never be destroyed by a giant meteor. What I am saying is that I've never seen or heard of either happening before, so I wouldn't put serious money on it. Besides, losing is like second nature to Charest.
Other than facing an opponent whose only remaining act of public service would be to star in a snuff movie, Boisclair has another advantage - his skeletons have come out early. While those skeletons would have proved fatal in any sane society, Quebeckers now have nearly two years to get used to the idea of a coke-huffing homo steering the ship of state. And don't bother telling me that Boisclair wouldn't be stunning in an admiral's uniform.
The only way that Charest could exploit Boisclair's weaknesses would be to call an election soon. Like, tomorrow soon. And no non-retarded person calls an election when they have a 70% disapproval rating. Even Charest isn't that stupid. So he'll have to wait 18 months.
And in 18 months, Andre Boisclair's days as the Indian in the Villiage People will be long behind him. Unless the Liberals - who have more than their own share of problems in Quebec - can dig up something new and exciting, then Quebec has a brand-new preimier who dresses well, knows where to score free coke and knows all the words to West Side Story.
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