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Saturday, February 11, 2006
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 BEHOLD THE MAGIC WAND! FEAR THE MAGIC WAND!
For some reason that I've never been able to fully comprehend, beautiful women like talking to me on the phone. I'm not really sure why that is, although I think that their viewing me as some sort of asexual eunich has a lot to do with it. On the other hand, I have a fairly deep voice and I'm really stupid, which is something that most women find sexually appealing. But I can't imagine that can overcome the horror that is my face. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a bridge too far to cross. Perhaps they listen to my voice and imagine that I'm a more attractive, more sexually powerful man. Someone like Alan Greenspan.
In any event, I had such a conversation last night with the most Beautiful Young Lady of All. Really, I can't say enough good things about her. She's everything a guy could want; sweet, talented, funny, and smart enough to stay as far the fuck away from me as humanly possible and still be in North America.
It also seemed to an enjoyable convesration for us both given that it lasted from 11 PM to 6:10 AM (EST) this morning. Having said that, I tend to do well in the early "getting to know you" conversations, particularly on the phone where my face isn't an issue. Shortly thereafter, women come to the sudden realization that I am indeed as ugly on the inside as out and things rapidly go downhill from there.
Over the course of those seven hours and ten minutes, we covered any number of topics. She was fascinating and I naturally rattled on endlessly about fucking nothing. The Beautiful Young Lady was the model of infinite patience and that counts for a lot where I come from. The fact that she has the most eerily beautiful face I've ever seen helps as well.
Toward the end of the evening (or more precisely, the morning), the Beautiful Young Lady found herself excited and desirous of sexual release. I'm told this is often the case when one imagines my voice emenating from a face as ruggedly handsome as Alan Greenspan's. As my tongue is capable of reaching only about halfway to her location, and my penis struggles to reach even my own navel, she was left no option but to find solace in her somewhat extensive collection of marital aides.
Before commencing, the Beautiful Young Lady asked if I was bothered by loud noises. I was understandably intrigued by this, as I've heard my share of martial aides in acton before. Alas, I was told, she would be utilizing the Hitachi Magic Wand, long regarded as one of the "big guns" in the sex toy business and beloved by women everywhere. As I have had no personal experience with this particular product other than by reputation, I was further intrigued.
After telling me that I had been warned, the Beautiful Young Lady started up the Magic Wand. Over a long distance phone line with a bad connection (she was on a cell phone in bad weather), I can only compare the sound of the wand to a jet engine starting. Yes, I was told that this Weapon of Mass Destruction was plugged into the wall, but to listen to it, I imagined it requiring its own diesel generator. Needless to say, the Hitachi Magic Wand brought my lovely interlocutor to a whimpering - and powerfully sexy - climax in under 20 seconds. Thankfully, I have a stopwatch always at the ready so that such things can be measured with precision.
I then knew why I hadn't had any firsthand experience with the Hitachi Magic Wand. The women in my life were protecting both me and my admittedly fragile ego. I can't compare with the Magic Wand. No man can. Bringing a woman to climax in under half a minute is unheard of. My own personal best time is three minutes with two seperate women, the second of whom I brought off three times in 20 minutes on two seperate occasions. I'm told that this is a somewhat impressive feat, yet the Magic Wand beat my best time by a factor of more than six. Granted, I don't have my own power supply but I seriously doubt that sticking my toe into a light socket the next time I perform cunnilingus will change things to any important degree.
Indeed, I learned a Dark and Nefarious Secret early this morning. That is that the infamy surrounding the Hitachi Magic Wand is well deserved. It makes men - and the various uncleanliness and heartache we bring - redundant. While the Magic Wand will not put up shelving or rebuild a car engine, women can hire people to deal with such trivialities. Artificial insemination makes fatherhood nothing more than a quaint reminder of a bygone age. And now that women can bring themselves off more efficiently with appliances, they officially no longer need us at all. We are now nothing more than accessories, unsightly ones for the most part, and even more disposable than a well-worn scarf.
It was a shocking revelation for me and one that will one day haunt all of those who own a penis. Or perhaps not. I suspect that the Hitatchi Magic Wand couldn't be of any less consequence to the life of your average homosexual man.
But even as the sun rose this morning, the prosepects for men everywhere grew darker still.
After recovering from her magnificent release, the Beautiful Young Lady pointed out that she had used her Hitachi Magic Wand at its lowest power. She then turned the unholy vibrator to its highest speed. Through the din it created, I could hear her evil cackling, if only barely, as her toy destroyed what remained of my psyche. I've lived a life not unaccustomed to suffering, but that sound will forever represent the ultimate failure of my gender to me.
As that sound burned itself into the core of my being, I thought of other, more utilitarian uses for it. For example, if the Beautiful Young Lady decided that landscaping was in order, the Magic Wand could be used to break up the asphalt of her driveway. Farmers could use the Magic Wand to till their soil more efficently and the bounty of the land could feed millions of the world's poor. Had the New York Fire Department been armed with Magic Wands, the ruins of the World Trade Center could have broken apart more quickly and more survivors could have been found. Not only is the Hitachi Magic Wand the future of female sexual gratification, it is an industrial revolution onto itself.
When I awoke this afternoon, I briefly thought the whole experience a horrible nightmare. But it came back to me as reality in short order. One never forgets the sounds of those relentless motors doing their dirty work and the carnal relief that work brings.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: I Touch Myself By: Divinyls. From: Divinyls
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