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Sunday, February 12, 2006
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 WHO'S THE BETTER BOYFRIEND, ZACARIAS MOUSSAOUI OR skippystalin?
I'm going to be perfectly honest with you good folks. I'm not very good at romantic relationships. I'm not entirely sure why, but after I spend some time with a young lady there's an inevitable conflict over which one of us hates me more. The thing is that I've been doing this a whole lot longer than she has. There's only one woman alive who could potentially have hated me for as long as I have. My mother. That's it. So unless you're my mom, you haven't hated me nearly as long as I have. And practice makes perfect.
But you try telling a woman that she can't do something just as well as a man can. Have fun with that, and be sure to let me know how life's treating you without testicles, okay?
Knowing that you're a sucky boyfriend is one thing, but knowing just how sucky is quite another. Considering how guys rate everything (much like John Cusack did in in High Fidelity), we're abnormally shy about rating our faults. As a gender, we generally don't like to talk about our failures or shortcomings.
You might have noticed that I'm not like other guys, if I could liberally borrow from Michael Jackson. I'm not sure that I could be more exhibitionist with this dopey blog if I tried. Besides, I'm all curious about stuff, particularly when that stuff happens to be me.
Accordingly, I decided to use the compare and contrast method to determine just how much of a romantic disaster I am. I figure that if I compare what I know about myself with I know of contemporary and historical monsters, I could come up with a scientifically reliable way of measuring how much I suck.
I should note that nothing has been predetermined. As I write this, I haven't made any conclusions. As a matter of fact, I dont even know all of the questions that I'm going to ask. All that I know as a certainty is that I will ask a question, then answer with what I know about myself and the subject, and whoever has the answer that would most impressive to girls is awarded a point. Whenever I get bored with the entire dopey exercise, the points will be tallied and a winner declared.
Today I shall go head to head with the only person in the United States to be connected with the 9/11 attacks, Zacarias Moussaoui.
QUESTION ONE: Who is a more ambitious man, Moussaoui or skippy?
Moussaoui has been indicted for, and plead guilty to; Conspiracy to Commit Acts of Terrorism Transcending National Boundaries, Conspiracy to Commit Aircraft Piracy, Conspiracy to Destroy Aircraft, Conspiracy to Use Weapons of Mass Destruction, Conspiracy to Murder United States Employees and Conspiracy to Destroy Property.
skippy masturbates seven to nine times a day and is pretty good about writing on his stupid blog at least once a day.
Conclusion: It pays to dream big dreams. Moussaoui: 1, skippy: 0
QUESTION TWO: Who is a more religious man, Moussaoui or skippy?
Moussaoui believes that there is no God but God, specifically Allah. Prays to Mecca five times daily.
skippy worships cruelly beautiful women who will someday break his heart. Knows he's a schmuck for doing so, but does it anyway.
Conclusion: Moussaoui's piety pulls it out for him. If things play out the way everyone expects them to, Zacarias will soon meet Allah. There is little likelihood that skippy's devotion will pay off anytime in the near future. Moussaoui: 2, skippy: 0
QUESTION THREE: Who is more likely to treat a lady right?
Moussaoui strongly believes that women should neither be educated nor alowed to work outside of the home, must be veiled whenever in public, and not be allowed outside without a male relative present. Believes that an adulteress should be punished with death.
skippy strongly believes that his pants shouldn't come off until his ladyfriend has enjoyed at least one and preferably three orgasms. Is a powerful proponent of cunnilingus regardless of the time of month. Has been involved romantically with 2 married women and has thought that only one should have been punished with death. But it was a fleeting feeling and the moment passed.
Conclusion: While women, like most people, don't much like going to school or work, they like being told that they can't even less. Women also enjoy having multiple orgasms before their partner gets them all sweaty and stinky. Moussaoui: 2, skippy:1
QUESTION FOUR: Who cleans up beter, Moussaoui or skippy?
Moussaoui was actually a reasonable attractive man, as indicated by his 2001 mugshot. Since being incarcerated has not shaved his head or his face, yet still isn't unattractive. Has the ability to make a prison jumpsuit work for him.
skippy is only considered attractive when compared to industrial accident victims and circus folk. Grows beards to cover as much of his face as is possible and shaves his head to avoid looking like a clown, which frightens certain Beautiful Young Ladies. Has not shaved his head or face in two weeks. Owns several well-cut double breasted suits, yet still looks like shit.
Conclusion: Some guys have it, skippy doesn't. Moussaoui:3, skippy:1
QUESTION FIVE: Who would be a better dinner companion, Moussaoui or skippy?
Moussaoui: is given to interrupting authority figures, such as the judge presiding over hs trial, by screaming "I am al-Qaeda!" Would probably do so during a dinner date. Has sworn that if released from prison, he would hijack an aircraft and crash it into a population center. Might therefore not show up for dinner at all. A pious Muslim, Moussaoui does not eat pork.
skippy: is capable of turning any conversation he is engaged in to his love of cunnilingus in sixty-eight words or less. Is somethng of a bore and can prattle on about fucking nothing for hours on end. Has been called an ignoramus. A fussy eater, skippy does not eat fruits or vegetables.
Conclusion: While neither is particularly impressive to women, being in al-Qaeda indicates some travel and life experience and flying planes into office towers pretty clearly demonstrates a passion for things. Moussaoui would have a good excuse for standing a woman up, specifically a suicide raid. Moussaoui:4, skippy:1
Question Six: Who has better mechanical skills, Moussaoui or skippy?
Moussaoui came to the attention of federal authorities while taking lessons to learn to fly a 767 commercial jumbo jet.
skippy is incapable of operating anything more complicated than his own penis.
Conclusion: Women love a guy who is good with his hands far more than one who is good with his cock. They have the Hitachi Magic Wand for that. Moussaoui: 5, skippy: 1
QUESTION SEVEN: Who can a lady trust more, Moussaoui or skippy?
Moussaoui is being forcibly kept at the federal detention center in Arlington, Virginia. Any girlfriend of his knows where he will be at given moment of the day.
skippy is restricted only by his hideous face and pathetic body.
Conclusion: Being incarecerated gives on the edge, not only in trust, but also because women love a "bad boy." Moussaoui: 6, skippy: 1
MOUSSAOUI WINS, 6-1!!!!
Jesus Christ, I just got my ass handed to me by an Islamist fucking terrorist who'd just as soon behead a woman than bend her over a couch or something. I'd at least feel better if it was close and I got beaten just because he's a better looking man. But that didn't happen. It was a complete and total asshole blowout. Indeed, the only point I recieved was for not advocating the stoning death of women, except in very rare and special circumstances.
I don't like this at all, but I think I have to admit that Zacarias Moussaoui is the better man.
Could I be more doomed?
PermalinkLabels: Life With skippy
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