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Wednesday, December 07, 2005
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 OKAY, BUT HARDLY LAWSUIT WORTHY : THE LITIGIOUS TITS OF JENNIFER ANNISTON
I have a strange relationship with Jennifer Aniston. Well, what I mean to say is that I have conflicting feelings about her. In the continuing dialogue between my brain and my penis (which is a reasonable substitute since I lost my heart in a bizarre experiment involving myself and the state of Michigan which I can't discuss yet), I think that I'd probably fuck Jennifer Aniston. I just don't think that I' d enjoy it very much.
I should admit that Jen isn't, in my opinion, the most fuckable Friend. In fact, she places fifth. Yes, even behind Joey (who seems pretty desperate at this point.) While it would be fun to write about how I made a woman cry during sex in ways that Brad Pitt didn't even think were possible - largely because I know the difference between the clitoris and Antartica, unlike Brad - it's not something I'm devoting my life to. I also get the vibe that writing about how Jennifer Aniston isn't that good in bed would be much more fun than actually being in in bed with her.
Oh, how I sacrifice for my world-wide audience. All of you should know that I'm a Courtney Cox man. Yes, I'll bed a woman with good hair and no soul, but I'll only do it for my art! I might let you smell my fingers afterwards, but that's strictly a commercial enterprise. A growing boy has to eat, after all.
Most of my pique with Jen has to do with her preciousness. She honest to God thinks that she's so incredibly special for no other reason than that she's somewhat good-looking, not particuarly talented and exceptionally lucky. Were it not for her lucky break, she'd be supplimenting her income as the girl featured in beer commericials as "the friend of the one everyone wants to fuck" and lap dancng. On Tuesdays. At noon. I'm not proud to admit this, but I've seen the Tuesday noon shifts in various peeler joints and Jen would fit in perfectly.
What annoys me most is her proclivity to get suggestively naked for various magazine covers and then demand some silly "zone of priviacy" for the good parts. This "zone of privacy" apparently extends to whipping her tits out in the backyard.
Aniston is apparently threatening to SUE anyone who publishes Jenny's titty shots.
This of course makes Jennifer Anniston too stupid to live much longer.
Apparently, Jen enjoys said tit-whipper-outery but resents it when enterprising photographers record it for posterity. To this I respond,
Dear Jen,
You live in Hollywood. In case you haven't noticed, Hollywood is chock full of hills. That's where the phrase "Hollywood Hills" comes from. It just happens that if you don't live at the top of one of those hills, people can see into your backyard.
As a retard, you probably don't know this, but indecent exposure does extend to public view. There's a pretty good reason why I don't jam cucumber up my ass in my yard. Not only do photographers have every right to snap pics of your milkbags if you insist on displaying them to the neighbours, the neighbours have every right to press charges against you for doing so.
So please shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch.
Cordially,
skippy You know, it's stories like this that make me wish that most of you weren't dumb enough to read this blog at work. If it were up to me, I'd post Jen in all of her modereately-sized boobied glory. But since you insists on reading this from your jobs, I'll just post links where you can find them. So if you insist on seeing Jennifer Anniston's tits, you can find them here.I'll say this for Anniston, they're not bad. On the plus side of okay maybe, but certainly not on the scale of a zillion dollar lawsuit. She's cerainly no Penelope Cruz when it comes to flashing. Penelope at least seems seems happy when she has her knockers out. (NSFW)  There are few more things Miss Cruz has in her favour. Firstly, she doesn't seem like a giant pain in the ass who minds being photographed topless. Secondly, she's dated Tom Cruise - who is, its rumoured, - less than fully familiar with the female anatomy, and is engaged to Matthew McCougouhey, who was arrested playing the bongos - naked- with another man at 3 in the morning.
Secondly, she has a really goofy accent that somehow sounds sexy coming out of her mouth, if only because of how beautiful she is. As you probably know, I have an over active imagination. Here's how I imagine my first night with with Penolope Cruz going...
Penelope : Skeepee, no man has ever done such things to me with just his tongue before
Me: Well, sweetcheeks, I just love women.
Penelope: Tom or Matthew never did that to me, Skeepee. I thinks my hearts were going to bust!
Me: Well, it was just my mouth...
Penelope: I want to see the rest of you. Takes of jour pants. (Editor's Note: I insist on a woman having at least one orgasm before I get fully naked)
Me: Okay, but I should warn you.... (zipppppp)
Penelope: Skeepee, wass wrong?
Me: What do mean, beautiful?
Penelope: Eess so stiff and hard. Ess is joo seeck? Tom and Matthew were never like thees!
Me: That's because they're homo...nevermind.
Penelope: But I never see one like that before....jou're not goeeing to hurt me, are you?
Me: No, it's you're friend! ! Pet it, it likes you....  Then she would fall blissfully asleep, riding waves of satisfaction that she never before knew that men could bring her. And that's what makes Penelope Cruz the perfect woman, she just knows better because she's spent so much time with homo.......nevermind. Can you, in your wildest dreams, imagine having a conversation like that with Jennifer Aniston? Of course you can't. On the other hand, maybe it's just me. PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, I Fought The Law
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