 FULL OF CUM, FULL OF DUMB: THE BALLAD OF BELINDA STRONACH It must be terribly difficult to be trapped in Belinda Stronach's life. After all, growing up with the pressures of inheriting your father's job, company and zillions of dollars is a pressure that most of us can't relate to. And polite society demands that we never mock that which we don't understand. Thankfully, I'm not a part of polite society and I never have been. And you love me for it. Where would I be without your love, I ask. I ask because I honestly do not know. Belinda's is a transformative life. Not yet forty years old, she has gone from rich-girl college drop-out, to celebrity cum-dumpster, to the Conservative Member of Parliament for Newmarket-Aurora, to the Liberal Minister of Human Resources and Skills Development, to Canada's most celebrated martyr for the rights of women. Stronach suffers the slings and arrows of modern life for women everywhere. She's a lot like Jesus would be, had Jesus had better tits and pubic grooming habits. I, for one, think she has a powerful point to make. Just because she has historically relied on men more powerful or celebrated than herself to get ahead doesn't make her any less of an independant force, does it? Besides, isn't it sexist to suggest that you've used that little sliver of heaven between your legs to make a comfortable life even easier sexist, even it happens to be true? Despite her opulant origins, Belinda has faced her share of adversity. But that adversity was nothing she couldn't shake her tits at, or fuck her way through. But pointing that out is wrong, because you wouldn't say the same about a man in her position. That most men can't shake their tits at, or fuck their way through, adversity matters not. And suggesting that it does only compounds your hienous sexism. So there. This is Belinda's latest crusade, and she is unrelenting in prosecuting it. 
You see, she was recently named as "the other woman" in the divorce of recently-fired Toronto superhero and general hockey meathead Tie Domi, and his estranged wife Leeanne. It's sure stiring up a grand out controversy here in Hogtown, where they both live. "If it wasn't for my husband's affair with Belinda, we wouldn't be getting a divorce," Leanne told the Star in an interview last night.
"We were happily married. If not for Belinda, I think we still would be happily married. But he's no longer my husband and he will never be my husband again."
Leanne Domi has been criticized in recent days -- and certainly from within the pro-Tie camp -- for going so publicly postal in the provocative details contained within the court documents filed in support of her divorce application.
"The facts are the facts. Should I have just said that my marriage ended because my husband had committed adultery? People are insinuating that I named names to get back at Belinda or something. But this is what happened and this is why my marriage ended. There is zero doubt in my mind that Tie is having an affair with Belinda."
In the court documents, Leanne Domi said she asked her husband to leave their home on July 22 because she no longer believed his "lies'' about a strictly business relationship with Stronach, nor the excuses he allegedly made for time spent away from the family. "Tie Domi lied to and cheated on me and our children. ... He is a bully and will do whatever he has to do and say whatever he needs to say to get what he wants for himself. And right now, what he wants is to ensure that our family gets as little as possible so he can maintain his jet-set lifestyle, dine with movie stars (like Brad Pitt), and play the role of Belinda Stronach's exciting new romantic `good tough guy.'"
But we are heartened to hear that Domi has a tender side, one that will do anything to defend the woman he loves. Unfortunately, that woman doesn't happen to be the mother of his children. She maintains that, when confronted, Tie urged her not to hire a lawyer; that he would give her $1 million in cash and $1.5 for their palatial North Toronto house. "He told me that if I did hire a lawyer, I would `get nothing' ... He has told me he has many powerful and influential friends (including Belinda Stronach) who are `on his side and who don't want to hear my stupid sob stories about him and Belinda'. And he has told me that I had better `leave Belinda out of this.''' Look, just because a guy treats his wife badly isn't in and of itself a reason to hate him. Some wives are, quite frankly, frigid and asking for it. A gentleman hates another for the women he's had in the past that he's always wanted to fuck but the couldn't. Usually because he's an unsightly loser who can only get laid because he has a mid-level-neat blog. What we've got here, at least according to the divorce papers, is a palpably long-suffering spouse driven to the breaking and break-up point by a serially unfaithful husband. In the documents, Leanne Domi alleges the cheating started when their daughter was only eight months old and that, during a subsequent 18-month separation, she discovered that Domi was having an affair with the B-level TV actress Tia Carrere (who once famously wore a Maple Leaf jersey as a dress at the NHL Awards). Yes, that Tia Carrere. I think we can all agree that a monster like Tie Domi fucking Tia Carrere doesn't warrant the death penalty in most civil societies .... but it should. And Belinda wants you to know that is one thing (one of the very few) that she isn't taking lying down. Or on her knees. Or even on all fours. After all, there's a principle to defend. Liberal MP Belinda Stronach is refusing to comment on allegations that she's a marriage wrecker but says lurid media reports about her role in a high-profile divorce point to a sexist double standard.
"I'd really like to say in a country like Canada that there isn't, but I do believe there is a double standard," Stronach told CTV on Tuesday.
"And it's unfortunate for other women in this country that want to seek political office and to make a contribution."
Goddammit, is Belinda Stronach the only one who sees the realissue here? Every night, there are millions of little girls out there who lay, heads in Mommies lap, crying, so worried are they that they have competing - yet cruelly mutually exclusive - dreams of being serial starfuckers and holders of elective public office. And Belinda feels their pain. Every jagged inch of it. And it hurts her, but it hurts so good. Besides, she has some distractions from her pain. This is a particularly rich defense on Belinda's part. Most women, particularly women in politics, have none of Stronach's built-in advantages. Most political women are not extremely attractive physically, and Belinda is. Most political women struggle professionally before entering the electoral arena, and Belinda inherited the one of the world's largest auto-parts companies. Most difficult for most women is the building of the all-important contacts necessary to get anywhere. Belinda's father, Frank was a major contributor and personal friend to both the former Premiers of Ontario, Bill Davis and Mike Harris, and former Canadian Prime Minister, Brian Mulroney. Stronach inherited that rolodex and, to a large degree, the strategic prowess contained therein. She also had the skills of the greatest living political strategist, former president Bill Clinton, at her disposal. Say what you what you will about Clinton personally, but no one is better at politics. Now, it is fair to ask, what is Clinton doing advising foreign polticians - especially Conservative ones? This is especially true given Clinton's famous taste in loose women. Most women in politics find fund-raising particularly difficult. Stronach was able to run for the Conservative Party leadership using her own money. In short, she has all of the advantages of Hillary Clinton, and none of the disadvantages. And, for a time, I thought that Belinda Stronach would be the ideal Conservative leader. Not because she's earth-shakingly smart, but because of the optics she brings to the table. She's young, attractive and very open-minded on social issues. She is both pro-choice on abortion and supports same-sex marriage. The single biggest obstacle the Conservative Party of Canada faced was their positions on social issues. The Conservatives were - fairly or unfaily - seen as being more devoted to Jesus than serving the Canadian people. Unlike most Americans, Canadian politics is not shaped by silly issues like abortion and gay marriage. We might care personally, but it does not influence our thinking of government. Without fail, some Conservative somewhere would bring up abortion during a campaign, and the Liberals would use it to scare the fuck out of everyone. The Liberals won four times in a row that way. Between 1993 and 2004, the Conservatives couldn't come close to winning because of those issues. And Belinda Stronach would have neutralized them. But she lost to Stephen Harper. On the other hand, she did well enough to gain a seat of some influence in the Conservative caucus. As we later learned, she was also secretly fucking the Deputy Leader, Peter McKay, which may or may not helped her position. 
Unfortunately, she didn't have as much influence as she would have preferred, which is to say, all of it. For that reason, she dumped McKay and the Conservative Party on their asses, and crossed the aisle to sit with Paul Martin's Liberals. Had she have done so on pure policy grounds and sat as a backbencher, I wouldn't have had much of a problem with that. But Stronach's timing was exquisite. She crossed the aisle the week of the first non-confidence vote on Martin's government. With Stronach voting to support Martin, a tie was created that forced - for the first time in Canadian history - the Speaker of the House to decide the fate of a minority government. This came with a heavy price. Through Ontario's former Liberal premier, David Peterson, she negotiated herself a seat in Martin's cabinet, even before she had bought a Liberal Party membership card. And the Conservative policies she protested in her defection statement - abortion and gay marriage - had not changed since she had become a Conservative in the first place. Her timing, added to her star-power, also made her an early front-runner in any future Liberal leadership campaign. At least in the short-term, this was a move that was all ups and no downs for Belinda. However, in the long-term, it brands her as a brazen opportunist - perhaps permanently - and limits her future options. That reputation might preclude her from winning the leadership of anything. Sure, she'll have a seat in Parliament for as long as she wants it, and she'll have to do something magnificently stupid to be left out of a future cabinet, but I'm sure that's as far as she'll ever get. It should go without saying that this, too, is another example of sexism. And the Conservatives actually helped further that arguement when she crossed the floor and some of their less civilized members referred to her as a whore. Even though it was provably true, it sure looked bad. This is the one demonstrable positive of being a woman in politics; you can't be seen as beating up on a girl. Professional women's groups and the membership of the Liberal Party of Canada couldn't be blamed for throwing that epitath back in Stephen Harper's when the Liberal David Emerson crossed the aisle to sit in his cabinet on the very day his government was sworn in. While that made for a good headline, it missed the point completely. To listen to women and men, Liberals and Conservatives, and, of course, the all-knowing Canadian media, you would think that David Emerson and Belinda Stronach couldn't both be whores. And every thinking person on the planet should know that. I will say this about David Emerson, though. He hasn't gotten between Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock, then questioned the motives of anyone who tried calling him on it. On the other hand, Emerson doesn't strike me as a particularly smart of lusty cat. Despite her deceptively feminine, yet rock-hard body, Belinda Stronach is the Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of having it both ways. She can cry sexism, yet overcome none of its hurdles in getting where she wants to be. She can be a public figure who breaks up the marriage of another figure, yet demand the "privacy" that no man would even have the balls to gently request from the media. She glories her own hard work, despite having had everything in her life handed to her on the end of an aroused penis, including a seat in Parliament and at the cabinet table. That she continues to play the victim card in trying to defend the indefensible should tell you everything you need to know about Belinda. I'm not trying to suggest that sexism doesn't exist, particularly in politics. I know as a moral certainty that it does. But feminism will never be taken seriously as long as women like Hillary Clinton and Belinda Stronach are allowed to carry their banner at the head of the parade. But they both have what the movement needs most - a truly titanic set of balls. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Big Balls By: AC/DC From: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap Permalink Labels: Fun With Politics, O Canada
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