WHEREUPON skippy FALLS IN LOVE AGAIN: SOUTH ASIAN EDITION
I fall in love 37 times a day. That's not ... shallow, is it?
Sometimes my amorous feelings are fleeting and restricted to my crotch. That happens appoximately 123 times each and every day. It turns out that I have a particularly active imagination and an almost cancerous libido.
Sometimes my lusts are deeper and somewhat more demented. For example, there's a 17-year-old girl who lives where I work and is possessed of the single most beautiful ass that I've ever seen. 98.2% of the last three months of my life have been consumed with thoughts of how great it would be if my tongue took up residence in that young girl's perfect posterior. I know that it'll never happen, but a boy can dream, right?
It doesn't help matters that whenever said girl sees me, her face lights up and she gives me an overly enthusiastic waves and cries out "HI!" with all the teenage passion that she can muster. Oh, how that makes my perfectly shaven testicles churn and ache with gallons of liquid love that howls and begs for release.
The shame that these feelings inspire only serves to make the entire experience hotter. I know that it's wrong, but if this is how being wrong feels, I don't want to be right. It is only now, in the twilight of my years, that I know what inspired Gene Simmons of Kiss (which is how he refers to himself, and who am I to quibble?) to write "Christine Sixteen."
And thank god that the Criminal Code of Canada allows a creepy old man like me to have such dreams. It's morally and intellectually wrong, but the age of consent in Canada is 14. Even if the Conservatives get their way and pass their crime package, I'll still be legally entitled to entertain depraved fantasies about girls as young as sixteen. It's wrong in ways that I lack the vocabulary to properly explain, but what are you going to do? It just so happens that being Canadian has its advantages. Sure there's the free health care that will someday bankrupt us all, but there's so much more.
Having said all of that, I'd be less than completely forthright if I didn't admit that my heart, loins and imagination have been long captured by Indian women. When they are attractive, they are so much more than beatiful, they're breathtakingly, hauntingly so. Those women keep me awake at night, thinking of ways to be a better man and hating myself because I know that I never will be. I was born to lose, and they were born to mock that loss. It's a simple life, really.
The first time I saw Aishwarya Rai was on a 60 Minutes profile called "The World's Most Beautiful Woman?" And she is. Upon gazing her, I could actually feel my heart stop for a few seconds. I never felt that way before and it would be a few years before I did again.
That happened with a girl I worked with a little while ago. She's of Sikh extraction and is far and away the most beautiful woman I've ever seen up close. It didn't help that she was probably the nicest person I've ever met as well. Each and every time I saw her during the ten months that we worked together, I felt a dull ache in my chest. While I was almost certain that her beauty wouldn't someday kill me, it didn't stop me from hoping it would.
She's the reason I started studying Sikhism and wrote one of my more entertaining essays. Because I'm almost supernaturally creepy, when I find myself attracted to a woman, I devote a great deal of time and effort to impressing her. This blog is usually a big part of that. Needless to say, it almost never works.
She once mentioned that she loved music, so I burned something like ninety CDs for her. I'd often give her fifteen at a time. I did this because I long ago achieved a level of douchebaggery that most men don't even know exists, and I'm pretty sure that I was in love with her.
One night as she was getting ready to go home, we were engaged in a heady discussion about how I'm ugly in ways that are usually reserved for comic book villains and how my mother would have smothered me with a pillow shortly after after my birth if she was smart. Just as the most beautiful woman I've ever seen up close is, I too am a seeker of truth.
And as the most beautiful woman I've ever seen up close was walking out the door, she looked over her shoulder and said from twenty feet away "You know, you're a really good-looking guy."
I'm not shy about admitting this, when I heard her say those words, I wasn't sure if my head was going to explode before my heart did. However, I didn't really have time for medical quandries because I was pretty sure that I only had seconds left to live.
I know that she was pretty safe in saying this because she's practically married to another man and I'm not enough of a scumbag to interfere with that. But to this day, I remember her saying that and the way she looked when she said it and I mastubate with an intensity that frieghtens me. And I'm no sexual scaredy-cat.
For reasons that should be painfully obvious, I never told her how I felt about her. However, it just occurred to me that I once stupidly gave her the link to this blog and that she actually has read it, so I guess I just did. Opps, sorry about that. Will saying that I'm kidding help?
However much being broken-hearted is my natural state and that "lost cause" is my middle name, I know that there's always a time when useless dreams of happiness are to be put aside. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen up close is taken and so, come to think of it, is Aishwarya Rai. Also, I can't even pronounce "Aishwarya Rai" with any regularity, which might inhibit any potential relationship. Just because white women giggle with glee when I call them "sugar tits" doesn't mean that all women do.
But because I've set aside one set of impossible dreams is no reason that I can't pick up another. That's where Mallika Sherawat comes in.
Firstly, Mallika might be the single most beautiful girl's name ever. If, god forbid, I ever have a daughter, Mallika would be my first choice for her name.
Second, while she's no Aishwarya Rai or the most beautiful woman I've seen up close, she's certainly in that league. She's awfully, awfully fucking close. And that works for me just fine.
Just look at that body, will you? She's pretty nearly perfect and her stomach is second only to the incomperable Annika's.
Thirdly, India is a very, very sexually conservative society. Modesty is not only the norm there, it is demanded. Anyone who doubts that should investigate the furor that was caused by the super-hot Shilpa Shetty getting kissed on the neck by the celebrated gerbil enthusiast, Richard Gere.
If my wonderful Mallika is willing to prance about with her amazing navel and awe-inspiring cleavage exposed as she does in public, who knows what she's up to in private?
Fourth and finally, Mallika Sherawat is single. More specifically, she's divorced. My record with divorced women is nothing less than exemplary, at least in the realm of carnal delights. Few women appreciate my brain-damaged sexery quite as much those who have been long ignored by two-stroke jokes and hairy-necked losers do. Not for me the tossing of a vibrator to my beloved after I bust my nut and inviting her to finish without me or ejaculating in the commode under the guise of needing to pee.
I just wasn't wired that way, although I wish that I was. Those men seem to get laid a whole lot more than I do. It turns out that I'm a fantastic sexual rebound but a horrible marriage prospect because I'm not a lazy, selfish bastard.
Being a divorcee herself, I think that Mallika could appreciate my demented single-mindedness in the ways of l'amour. Or not. I still cannot allow myself to forget that I'm an accursed loser who hasn't been graced with things like beauty or intelligence. I'm fucking doomed and I think we all know that.
I've long thought that perhaps I should move to India. But then I remember that a diet without beef would likely kill me in short order. And if Bollywood is any indication of the country's priorities, I would be forced to learn to dance like my perfect Mallika.
As you might imagine, dancing isn't my strong suit. Whenever I'm forced to dance the night away, David Lee Roth-style high kicks are never far away and no good ever comes of it.
However, the power of my own personal failures hasn't stopped me from using this picture as my new PC wallpaper. For reasons that only an army of trained psychiatrists could ever hope to understand, reminders of my own failure as a man comfort me.
Sadly, a more comforted man you're not likely to meet.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Taste of India By: Aerosmith From: Nine Lives
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What People Are Saying About skippy
"hands down, Canada's most underrated blog" Damian Penny, The Undisputed Dean of Canadian Political Bloggers. Posted at Daimnation , Saturday October 21, 2006
"You can count on “Skippy” to make you think in different ways about familiar issues. You can also depend on him to be rude, offensive, and outrageous – if you're offended by completely uninhibited sexual imagery (and imagination!), don't read Skippy – but your prudery will keep you from an often interesting perspective." Posted On: Jamulblog, July 12, 2007
"Your Maximum Leader is beginning to think that the less he posts, the better Skippy’s political posts are. Indeed, your Maximum Leader even thought (just a few short moments ago) that if your Maximum Leader just stopped blogging all together would Skippy just keep on writing enough good material for two blogs? (Admittedly one of those blogs would be an X-rated social commentary/diary site and the second a remarkably well-informed and insightful political commentary site…)" Posted On: Naked Villainy, September 18, 2007
"I love your writing. few could pull off sarcastic humor and self-loathing like you do. You've turned self-disgust
into an art form." Posted By:Ophelia July 19, 2003
"hahaha um, not funny" Posted By: Ophelia July 17, 2003
"This is not fucking funny." Posted By: Bee August 21, 2003
"I join Bee in saying that this isn''t funny AT ALL. jesus christ, Skippy." Posted By: Ophelia August 23,
2003
"You are obiviously being kept down by the Mud People." Posted By: DrReverend August 21, 2003
"I''ll give you $50.00 if you kill yourself." Posted By: DrReverend August 19, 2003
"Last time I read this blog." Posted By: Dave, October 24, 2003
"I think you should stop talking about killing yourself and ACTUALLY kill yourself. For fuck's sake, everybody is
tired of hearing about how you might, just do it or face the fact that you are too pathetic to even kill yourself."
Posted By: A Caring Guy, October 25, 2003
"If Joey Ramone were alive today he'd probably shit in your mouth." Posted By: DrReverend November 11,
"When you're good, you're good. When you're bad, you're even better. See you in hell." Posted By: Anna
November 11, 2003
"Skippy, if you can prove to me that giving head and swallowing will without a doubt keep lung cancer and heart
disease at bay, you've earned yourself a BJ." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious, December 5, 2003
"Wow...you know nothing about politics." Posted Dr. Reverend, December 26, 2003
"You are a dick and should think seriously about killing your stupid blog - go get a job, you big fag"Posted
By: Princess Paragonian, December 29, 2003
"You have a, how shall i say.... appealing 'tough', yet gently gay look." (Univited PM) Posted
by:Jus20012002, January 2, 2004 .
"I hope jesus doesn't kick you in the nuts."Posted By: Mary Magdalicious February 2, 2004
"Stumbled on to your blog by accident and i must say alot of the stuff had me in stitches. Love it" Posted
By:Jeremy February 4, 2004
" .....sick."Posted By: Bee February 7, 2004
"Hey Skippy, you ever consider running for public office in the states? I know some people in the West Virginia state
government and our Senator can't live forever.Hell, even Strom, Thomas-Jefferson-Fan, Thurmond died
eventually.Posted By: Ford W. Mavrick, February 9, 2004
Wow, for someone who is so opinionated, you really don't know shit about American or Canadian culture. You appear to
know even less about history." Posted By: Dr. Reverend February 13, 2004
"Your blog's the best I have come across in a long time. I may not agree with all you say but the verve with which
you say it and the humour and irreverance is terrific. These days when the media just reproduces the handout from central
control, blogs like yours do a great deal to form informed opinion in a democratic society. Thanks. Keep it up."
Posted By:Anandan February 13, 2004
"SKIPPY pities ME? Where's my noose?" Posted By: Kilgore Trout March 22, 2004
"Jesus Skippy. Now Allah is going to kick you in the nuts" Posted By: Mary Magdalicious March 22, 2004
"I could make one that says "Skippy has a small penis" although his cock is superb. Posted By: Bestest Pussy March 23,2004
"Cunt sucking is for bitches.You're considered one of the girls because you dress like one. Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 24, 2004
"John Malkovich is one sexy bastard. I have such a thing for him. And I never realized til now, Skippy, how much you resemble John Malkovich...this, by default, makes you also one sexy bastard. See how that works?" Posted By: Zombie March, 26, 2004
"Too bad you live up north. It could have been beautiful.
Ever since I started coming here and saw your pic I wondered why you weren't getting more action. You are not a bad looking guy at all.
Maybe the girls are just...well, that's enough kindness for one day." Posted By: Serenity March 26, 2004
"Hell, if they make gay marriage legal, I'll marry you..." Posted By: Outpatient March 26, 2004
"You look creepier than the REM faggot. But he looks much more like a homersexual." Posted By: Dr. Reverend March 27, 2004
"Skippy, your hits will go up again if you post pictures of your man nipples. Lots of man nips." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious April 15, 2004
"What the fuck? You turning faggot? Posted By: Dr. Reverend April 16, 2004
"Sometimes it gets to be just a little too much. Sharing, that is." Posted By: Bee May 23, 2004
"I'll give you $5.00 if you make the fucking font you use on your blog bigger.
I'll give you $50.00 if you stop fucking writing about American politics.
I'll give you $500.00 if you fucking kill youself." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 26, 2004
"Of course women like jerks.
Why the fuck do you think they like me?
I guess you've learned nothing from me over all these years." Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"Sometimes a bitch just has to die." Posted By: Ford W. Maverick May 29, 2004
"It looks like we have more in common than the swastikas carved in our foreheads."Posted By: Dr. Reverend May 29, 2004
"This might be a shallow and 'Waiting-for-Godot-like' comment but...you seem to have not only brains but also beauty." Posted By: Nietzscheswife June 7, 2004
"Skippy, you are such a twisted bastard. Seriously. Why haven't we had sex yet?"Posted By: 0phelia June 25, 2004
"Just found your site. I find some of the things you say quite disgusting. And really quite enjoyable,so keep up the good work."Posted By: Big Al June 28, 2004
"I've read most of your blog. I'd say that so far it's the best I've come across, and believe me, I've seen a few. It's funny, well written (except for the spelling...) and interesting. There will always be those few idiots who just don't get it. It's useless to get worked up about it." Posted By: Johnny June 30, 2004
"Skippy... Go for the facial tattoo. I dig em', and fuck what those other bitches think. You can always bite their tits off if they back talk you." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious July 1, 2004
"Go fuck yourself up your butt." Posted By: Reek Stankleberry July 6, 2004
"Well if ass-fucking won't keep Satan away, I just don't know what will." Posted By: Dr. Reverend July 7, 2004
"dude, you're killing me. keep it up." Posted By: Son of Nixon July 22, 2004
"Are you always either naked or in a suit?" Posted By: Rehella July 22, 2004
"That person should speak for himself or herself. 'Cause you really are that much of a cunt, skippy." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"I've read you for a long time but have never commented before. That isn't a slight to your great writing ability, it's mainly because I don't want to be seen here!" Posted By: Paul August 4, 2004
" Dead on. Bulls-eye. I take back what I said about you being a cunt. For now." Posted By: Kilgore Trout August 4, 2004
"Know what, Skippy? You're alright." Posted By: Anna August 18, 2004
"Excellent work. Damn you for being so dead on." Posted By: The Maximum Leader August 24, 2004
"Skippy, fuck the puppy idea. Try getting a monkey that smokes. That will get you laid." Posted By: Mary Magdalicious August 27, 2004
"As to the beard - I like the clean shaven better - and what's wrong with a bald head? Bald heads are hot on some guys - unfortunately most can't pull it off * sigh * You look like you can pull it off though and that's a good thing - not a bad.
BTW, love your blog. I saw it in my referrers and thought it was just a random hit. Then I started reading and found you to be hilarious - it was only after about 10 posts that I noticed you linked me. I was more than flattered - linked by someone I was about to link anyway - awesome. Thanks" Posted By: Kinky August 27, 2004
"Fuckin' Goy bastard." Posted By: Dr Reverend December 19,2004
"Who does a guy have to sleep with to get one of his Skippy quotes pasted to the sidebar?
Great googly-moogly." Posted By: Smallholder December 20, 2004
"Are you a child molester or what's the story?" Posted By: Fukinator, December 28, 2004
"Sick dude." Posted By: DCayer December 29, 2004
"You officially suck." Posted By: Sorry, January 22, 2005
"I heart you, Skippy" Posted By: Karinsky, January 25, 2005
"As I've stated before, you were quite skilled in bed and I had no need to fake any of my multiple orgasms." Posted By: 0phelia, June 30, 2005
"I love Skippy. I swear I do. The only blogger more twisted than me." Posted on: Velociworld, July 26, 2005
" You are so fucking ignorant about America. And while the American people ARE stupid, so are you." Posted By: Bill Lassiter, August 2, 2005
"How can you not love a man who hates himself so viciously?" Posted on: It's All About De , August 31, 2005
"If I wasn't positive that all Canadian men had tiny penises, I'd be all over that Skippy." Posted On: It's All About De
"I've seen pictures of you and I'd say you're fuckable." Posted By: Joan, September 29, 2005
" I love your posts on Canadian politics even more than I love your posts on porn.
And I love your porn posts.
Why the hell do you waste all this talent on the internet? Write a book or something, goddammit! Posted By: Cliff S., November 17, 2005
"Let it never be said that underneath your self-cavilling, bitter (yet strangely egomaniacal) surface that you never take the time to give the people what they want. Even if it's just one people. Gawd bless you, Skippy! Posted By: Locke, November 18, 2005
"Wow! I don't know that I've ever been flattered and yet somewhat revolted at the same time... It's an interesting sensation." Posted By: Dewey in Toronto, December 1, 2005
"Very often, debating you is like playing whack a mole: You pop up some premised assertion moles, I pull out my mallet and start whacking, then you pop up more premised assertion moles - which are mostly or completely unrelated to the original moles I was whacking at. Your stock of moles seemingly stretches into infinity. And yet, an endless supply of moles does not equate to cogent argument.
Very often, debating you is like speaking to a salesman who will not answer a particular direct question, and instead flies off on the flight of rhetorical splendor known as "baffling them with bullshit." I'm impressed with your rhetorical skills, and your IQ, and your accumulation of knowledge. I'm impressed that I'm the American citizen, yet you might have a more thorough knowledge of the American Constitution than I. And yet, these impressive things are not substitutes for cogent argument."Posted By; gcotharn, December 21, 2005
"Besides, you seem to think you're the least respectable person I know. While you're often right, you're wrong on that count. Careful, I might out YOU as a nice guy. Or something." Posted By: Dewey In Toronto, December 27, 2005
"I've been to Toronto. The most dangerous thing I saw there was an 11 foot tall red head with shaved balls."Posted By: Judy, December 31, 2005
"There was this "Caught on Tape!" video I watched back in my highschool days where one of the scenes shows two people starting to cross the railroad tracks. One looks up at the last minute and sees the train, the other does not. In the commercial, it cuts away just before the train does its thing, but the video...
Your blog is like a twisted version of the video. We know the train is going liquify you in shocking gory fashion, but that's why we keep coming back. It's so much more fun that we both know the train is coming and you still gleefully walk into its path...and we love you all the more for it." Posted By:Locke, January 13, 2006
"Fuck. I'm hooked." Posted By: DeAnna, January 14, 2006
"Your Maximum Leader has found Skippy's commentary more insightful and interesting than anyone elses. So now he supposes that Skippy will go back to writing about porn and strippers he meets in the subway." Posted By: The Maximum Leader on Naked Villainy January 24, 2006
"Slightly crazed is fine, but with the beard you look like a total nutjob. If you ever hope to get laid again, for fuck's sake, Skippy, NEVER, EVER grow a saddam beard. You're welcome."Posted By: The Lady O, 28 January, 2006
"Maybe we should get married. My readers could support us by purchasing my worn panties and you could be the panty pimp." Posted By; Joan 28 January 2006
" I know it must be hard for you...being objectified by women all the time. But come on, how can they really help themselves? Have you seen yourself lately? Your pheramones preceed you into a room (as does your crotch). Don't blame it all on them...you did choose to leave your house. :D" Posted By: Joan, 3 February, 2006
"Skippy, you sarcastic twerp." Posted By: Arwen, 8 February 2006
"Just so you know.. if I had to choose between Moussaoui or Skippy.. You'd win. Even if I know what an asshole you are. Posted By; Judy, 13 February 2006
"I'd be willing to sign a legal document stating that is IS ok, in fact, to masturbate whilst thinking of me." Posted By: DeAnna (Who seems unaware of my reputation as an outlaw) February 24, 2006
"Feel free to masturbate while thinking of me...actually, do you need some of my panties to help you with that?" Posted By: Joan, February 24, 2006
"I blame myself for this. I have been too lenient with you. Your Godless behaviour must come to an end. You will receive a severe beating this weekend and I am contemplating removing your testicles." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, February 24, 2006
"Just remember skippy, the US never threw a fit when you smuggled your own personal WMD over the border twice a year. After all, it wasn't like you were hiding in your pants or anything.
All's fair in love and war, so to speak." Posted By: Judy, April 4, 2006
"Wow...nothing hotter than a man willing to issue fatwas for pussy." Posted By: Joan, April 16, 2006
"You sir, are a brilliant writer." Posted By: Judy, May 4, 2006
"I think I'm falling in love." Posted By: DeAnna, May 11, 2006
"THIS IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL FALSITY YOU HAVE EVER ENGAGED IN!!!!
I was intending to kick you in the face upon our next meeting, but now it's obvious that I must douse your scrotum in kerosene and set your testicles aflame. Alas, it is the only way you will learn." Posted By: Dr. Reverend, May 12, 2006
"And i would like to commend you on some excellent blogging. This particular story would normally warrant a few cryptically humorous lines and a link. To an ordinary blogger. But you managed to wring an essay of New Yorker-esque proportions out of it. That takes talent. Your beautiful young friend is right. I see big things for you in the future." Posted By: Annika, June 4, 2006
" I like a man who will unabashedly tell someone his penis size because hes unashamed. Thats hot.
*raises hand* I'll take that 6.5, thank ya" Posted By: Kinky, June 6, 2006
"Elvis, like skippy, is the very definition of rock and roll. Posted By: Rube, June 10, 2006
" I'm beginning to think you're the only good man left in the world, skippy. WTF?" Posted By: By: DeAnns, June 11, 2006
"Just so everyone knows.
Skippy does indeed, taste like bacon.
And, any guy who doesn't know cum tastes good to real women, is clueless." Posted By: Judy, July 2, 2006
"There was a British columnist whose work was described as 'a suicide note in weekly installments.'
This blog is sort of like that." Posted By: Gadfly, July 6, 2006
"Jeez, Skippy. Sometimes I really hate coming here." Posted By: Cynlee, July 18, 2006
"Someone needs to throttle you with a riding crop...truly!" Posted By: Joan, July 18, 2006
"Holy mother of god. I just had an orgasm. It's official: I'm devoting the rest of my life to you, skippy." Posted By: DeAnna, July 19, 2006
"Skippy, sometimes I'm not quite sure of your sanity, but you are without a doubt the baddest morning news reading, quiz show hosting, talent introducing PIMP in the motherfuckin' blogosphere." Posted By: Shank, July 19, 2006
