 IF THE LEG FITS: HEATHER MILLS IS HAVING A FUNNY DIVORCE
It's always funny when somebody's marriage doesn't work out. I say this because you never really know somebody until you end up in divorce court with them.
You see, when two people are in love with one another, they tend to hide all of their own worst qualities from one another. When love evolves into contempt, as it inevitably does, you get to find out what your beloved is really all about. And the discovery is almost never sexy, unless you happen to be one of those poor souls who can't cum until somebody takes half of your assests. Freak! Watching regular people fall out of love is fun, but watching celebrities do it is the greatest thing ever! It really is the most fun you can have with your clothes on. That's because there are always three parties to a celebrity divorce; the husband, the wife, and the rest of the world. When celebrity couples break up, everybody gets to find out how skunky their favorite stars are behind closed doors.  Unquestionably, the single greatest divorce in the whole wide world is Paul and Heather McCartney's. These proceedings represent almost all of the Seven Deadly Sins in equal measure. The combinaion of mutual loathing, money and stupidity is always a good time and the battling McCartney's want to show you how it's done once and for all. Heather Mills hooked up with the former Beatle Paul when he looked more like Paul McCartney's mother that the "Cute One" of yore and hadn't written a song that inspired anything but hatred and violence in thirty years. Heather was a hard-bodied tart with a porno past and one leg. It was an accident waiting to happen. I really can't underscore the importance most healthy men place on fucking a one-legged fetish model at least once in our lives. It's one of those dark kinks that gets us through our workaday lives and gives us hope for something better. Like the lighting of farts, it is an activity that men love and women really aren't supposed to understand. As vegetarians, both McCartneys are stupid. It is a well-established scientific fact that red meat keeps the logic center of the brain active and healthy. Starve it, and it withers away, leaving you an animal rights activist who runs around trying to ban landmines, seal hunts, and pretty much everything else that a sensible gentleman considers fun. The only reason that anyone indulged their stupid little crusades is that Paul was in the Beatles and Heather has one leg and great tits. If any of you started such a campaign, you'd only get punched in the mouth and knocked on your lettuce-eating ass, so don't bother.  Because his mind had been starved of tasty, tasty beef for so long, Paul figured that he could marry a much younger uniped former fetish model with a stellar rack without protecting his assests with a prenuptual agreement. After all, isn't love all you need? Apparently not. Last year, the pair filed for divorce after four years of matrimony and Paul found his billion dollar fortune threatened. Opps. Since their seperation, Heather has bided her time Dancing With the Stars. However, dancing can be a taxing past-time when you only have one leg, so she found a new hobby last week: screaming at the press.Heather Mills is a woman with simple needs. All she wanted was a few hundred million dollars and the right to write a book detailing what a prick the guy who wrote "Silly Love Songs" really is. Who could object to that? Apparently, Heather forgot that her estwhile life-partner also wrote "You Never Give Me Your Money," and the divorce has dragged on well past the point common sense dictates that it should. Remember, we're dealing with vegetarians here, and such people view common sense with suspicion. When you are at war with the food chain, it is easy to forget that a messy celebrity divorce only benefits one person: me. Besides wanting to write a tell-all, Hopalong Heather wants to move to America and host a talk show. While she's more than dumb and annoying enough for daytime television, her accent is entirely too peculiar for the American market. Sharon Osbourne should really sit her down and explain how these things work. Actually, Ozzy should do it. Watching him to try to explain anything is hilarious.  Shortly after the divorce was announced, some of the German fetish photos Heather took in 1988 began to surface in the British tabloids. Some have suggested that this was the work of Paul's army of lawyers, who figured that Heather wouldn't just limp off into that good night. Or perhaps they figured that Heather needed a good spanking.
Of course, you'd have to be awfully cynical to suggest that Team Paul was behind the publication of the naughty pics, and that's why you'd almost certainly be right. While McCartney might be functionally retarded, his shysters sure as shit ain't.
You'd think that having pictures of herself being spanked and covered in lotion by a mulleted Kraut for all the world to see would be sufficently humiliating to make Heather go quietly, but you'd be forgetting that Paul wasn't the only vegetarian in that matrimonial unit.
No, she kept babbling incomprehensibly about how landmines are somehow bad and dancing with the stars, while the rest off us were fixated on her knockers and full to the brim with the deviant desire to hump her stump. But she did keep her piehole closed about Beatle Paul for a time. At least until a few weeks ago.  When McCartney insisted on the inclusion of a no-talkee, no-bookee clause in any financial settlement, Mills launched into an explosion of batshit fucking craziness and weapons grade stupidity that stunned observers on both sides of the Atlantic. So spectacular were her televised tirades that people stopped questioning her intelligence and started questioning her sanity. It was actually a pretty fucking cool thing to see. In fact, her diatribes were so demented that her personal public relations hack immediately resigned in shame and her battalion of barristers are quietly considering doing likewise. Shooting your wad before your pants come off is, after all, a poorly considered legal strategy.
Heather Mills McCartney went into meltdown on live TV today as she raged against the media, claimed her life's in danger and admitted she's contemplated suicide because of the way she's been portrayed in the press. Speaking on GMTV the estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, who is locked in divorce negotiations with her husband, said it was all the fault of the press. "A certain part of the tabloid media created such a hate campaign against me it put my life and my daughter's life at risk," she said, choking back sobs. "That's why I considered killing myself."
Now, I'm hardly an expert on British divorce law. For all I know, those fucking people hire a dentist to settle these disputes. But I'm reasonably certain that televising the fact that you're a suicidal mess isn't especially helpful when it comes time to decide child custody. Christ, telling the world that she's a suicidal vegetarian with a proclivity for being spanked by Germans might well result in the kid's custody being given to Britney Spears.
All things being equal, that might be for the best. If nothing else, we can be reasonably certain that Britney won't have little Beatrice duetting with Michael Jackson or Stevie Wonder in the immediate future. Yes, there are laws against having a four-year-old covered in lotion and spanked for the camera, but the Germans are famous for ignoring those.
 During her morning TV meltdown, Heather revealed that she had tapes of Paul sounding less like the guy who wrote "And I Love Her" and more like the guy who wrote "Helter Skelter." Fortunately for all of us, Heather's giving us a sneak preview.
Up to now only scant hints of the tapes' contents have emerged. But the News of the World has discovered Heather is confident they back her claims that 65-year-old Paul: DOWNED Viagra pills to pep up sex with the one-time porn star. RAGED through tempestuous rows at the couple's marital home. ADMITTED he was partially to blame over their marriage breakdown and stormy relationship. MOCKED her as "a silly cow" and "spoilt". WHINED about the tiniest of household bills. was VIOLENT towards first wife Linda. A close friend claimed: "There are other recordings Heather says prove Paul referred to her as a ‘one-legged bitch'. (...) "Some of the details about their sex life will shock a lot of people and cause them to view Paul in a new light.
You mean that he was fucking a one-legged vegetarian whose previous job was getting spanked, and he's kinky, too?
Like I said earlier, I'm no expert on Limey law, so I have no idea how this plays out in the courts. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say that Heather walks away with eleventy billion dollars, writes a book that no one reads and Paul ends up looking like a schmuck. But I can't say that with any certainty.
But there is one thing I know. Somewhere out there Ringo Starr is laughing his ass off.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: You Never Give Me Your Money By: The Beatles From: Abbey Road
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, I Hate Music, I'm Through With Love, Relationship Advice
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