FUCK THE CHILDREN, FUCK THOSE NEEDLE-DICKED, NON-SMOKING COCKSUCKERS & IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, FUCK YOU TOO! Ever since I was a small child, I knew that the day was coming when life would no longer be worth living and I knew that the eventual misery would somehow involve cigarettes. I couldn't verbalize that fear, but it was one that I felt in every inch of my beautiful, beautiful body. You see, I've been smoking since I was three and it's one of the few things that makes me feel even remotely good about myself. As a matter of fact, there are only three things that make me feel that way. The other two are masturbation and my hatred for everything. Since jerking off in public and machine-gunning everything around you are frowned upon by the law, smoking was pretty much the only thing I could do whenever I wanted. Thankfully, smoking makes me look so cool that no one even complained much that I was smoking in public at three years old. Around 1990, the worst assholes in the world - non-smokers - took over society in a bid to fuck with me. Some of you might think that pedophiles are socities worst assholes, but that only makes you stupid. One could make an at least tepid case that child molesters are good with kids. No such case can be made for non-smokers. Non-smokers only serve one purpose in this world, to aggrevate and fucking enrage me. By the time I turned thirty, there was barely any place left you could smoke without someone (and, yes, I am looking at you, government) getting in my fucking face. Look, I'm an ugly, ugly man. No one should get in my face voluntarily. That should serve more as a punishment than anything else. I'd be much happier if the government followed the lead of women and left me the fuck alone. As of earlier this year, you can't even smoke in bars anymore! I have a date tomorrow night. I'm taking a lovely young lady out for drinks. In a bar. Now I'm worried that I'll not only be distracted by the constant throbbing in my crotch, but also the sensation of my lungs withering away from a lack of sweet, sweet nicotine. This will make me even more sexually appealing than normal, I'm sure. I hope you non-smoking assholes are fucking happy! The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that there are only two kinds of people in the word, smokers and motherfuckers. And I'm not using the word motherfuckers figuratively, either. I'm actually saying that people who don't smoke are guilty of incest. Smokers want only one thing, to live freely and go about our day unmolested by assholes. Non-smokers hate freedom and seek to destroy it from the time they get up in the morning until they retire to their fucking coffins at night. Those goddamn vampires want to destroy your freedom and they won't be happy until you become some drooling, souless retard who doesn't smoke. Osama bin Laden doesn't smoke and neither did any of the 19 9/11 hijackers. I think that's all the proof you need that non-smokers are fucking terrorists. First they took away the smoking section of the plane, then they few it into a skyscraper. Non-smokers are evil doers of the highest order and it's your duty as a freedom loving citizen to beat the nearest one to death with a goddamn shovel. First they didn't want you to smoke at work, then they stopped you from smoking in planes, restaraunts and bars. And now those worthless cocksuckers want to prevent you from smoking in your own motherfucking home! And what excuse are these cunts using to infringe on the private enjoyment of your home and very life? Children, that's what! Why, because it'll stunt their fucking growth or something? I hate to break it to you bleeding heart shitheads, but kids are already short. They're famously short. You assholes want another newsflash? They don't read so well, either. They also are no fun at all argue about politics with. And God forbid you share a particularly good fuck story with one of the snotty-nosed little pricks. Kids were no fun when you COULD smoke around them. God only knows how insuffrable they'll be when you can't. And don't think that you'll be able to get around it by drowning the runtish cowards in a bathtub. Oh no, more and more jurisdictions are banning smoking in prisons! That's priceless! Smoking is bad for your health, true, but so is getting stabbed in the chest and being forcibly fucked in the ass. If we're going on health concerns alone, I suggest we ban jail first. At least smoking makes you feel good and look cool, which are two things prison famously does not. Let's look at this objectively, can we? Am I the only one who noticed that everyone on Oz smoked and that was the greatest show ever! I don't think anyone on Sex in the City smoked and the only people who didn't loathe that show live in special homes. And by "special homes", I mean prisons and moron farms. Keith Richards can't get through a second without a cigarette and Adolph Hitler abhorred smoking. Who would you rather party with? If you think about it really hard, you can make a case that non-smokers will kill the Jews after they destroy smokers. You'd at least think that those Relentless Engines of Evil would at least be good in the sack, right? Wrong, fuckhead. Halle Berry doesn't smoke, yet it's been reported that both of her husbands cheated on her. Why do you think that is? They found a better-looking piece of tail than Halle Berry? I kinda doubt that. You think a non-smoker will give you a long, loving rimjob? With their attitudes about putting "nasty things" around their mouths? You've gotta be shitting me! Courtney Love, on the other hand, smokes like a goddamn chimney and the the great Kurt Cobain referred to her as "the greatest fuck in the world." Now if I believe Kurt on neart things like heroin and shotguns, how can I suggest that he's wrong about Courtney. If you absolutely must fuck a non-smoker, I suggest that you do so with something as unsatisfying as possible. Perhaps something like a chainsaw. We've now established that non-smokers are assholes, anti-Semetic monsters and lousy lays. Sure, cancer will kill smokers. I just hope that we get together and kill the non-smokers first. Permalink
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