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Friday, July 28, 2006
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 ON VICTORIA SILVSTEDT, THE LORD, AND THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS THEREOF
I can be awfully, awfully silly sometimes. I'll be honest with you. I was sitting here writing a post about how I'm getting good and goddamn tired of probably having a few dozen silent heart attacks and wishing I could just have the Great Big, Giant Coronary that ends it all. You know, the one Redd Fox was always threatening to have on Sanford and Son. You see, I wasn't just tired of the shadow cardiovascular disease. I was tired of virtually everything. You name it, I've had it with it.
If nothing else, I figured that I'm of an age where death is perhaps the only career option left to me. Trust me, I had the whole thing figured out. Besides, it isn't like I'd be terribly missed or anything. Everyone in my life could fight over my carcas for custody of my famous pornography collection and I would finally be at peace.
Like I said, I can be awfully silly sometimes.
I think this has a lot to do with renouncing my faith in God as a child. You see, I pretty much knew what my life would become mere minutes after entering the world. When you're me, the concept of a merciful, loving God being nothing more than a cruel hoax is just rational thinking.
But when I was at my lowest, God was there to lift me up with a blonde ray of sunshine. Now I feel like Lazarus, born again in the light of the Almighty's love. Anybody who knows me knows that I'm incapable of seeing the Lamb as anything other than a big-titted supermodel.
 When last we saw Victoria Silvstedt, just over a month ago, she had a dumpy looking troll eating her out in Sardinia. Well. It should go without saying that this was a low point in my life, and I suspect that this is where my current downward spiral started.
The picture to the right doesn't appear to depict a loving couple so much as it does a kidnapping. How do I know this? Because that picture reminds me of the pictures that were taken of me with every woman that has ever been involved with me. I know what time it is, my friends.
I'm an ugly man, frieghtenly so. Children throw rotten fruits and vegatables at me on the street and run crying to the mothers when I darken their path. Priests have been known to renounce their vocations after any kind of interaction with me, knowing that no God of theirs could create something so monsterous.
But you know what? I'm still better looking than that guy. Also, I probably give better head, too. Visions like that has destroyed the faith of men far stronger than I. What do you people expect of me, superhuman strength? I couldn't even stop myself from masturbating to those pictures, frenquently and with furious intensity.
But a funny thing happened. I got literally thousands of hits out of that one post. It was far and away the most popular entry page on this blog for weeks.
 So, at my lowest moment, God brought Victoria back into my life, or vice versa, and my faith was renewed, almost pheonix - like.
Now you would think that if someone was photographed sharing her sexuality with someone other than her husband on a boat so flagrantly that it resulted in a lawsuit against Sky News, she would cool it a bit. And, to be fair, she did. For not quite five weeks.
But when you're a world famous piece of ass like Victoria Silvstedt, you're just genetically programmed to get naked on boats. Sure you might get pissy and suggest that she thinks that the sun shines out of her ass, but that would just prove that you're an idiot. Because, as you can see, the sun actually does shine out of her ass.
That might be going a little too far. I'm not as impressed as I thought I'd be. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful ass. Better than 99.9% of the asses out there, to be sure. Any man would be proud to brand it as his own. But I feel that's missing a few things. Things like my tongue and forearm. And that, gentlemen, is what makes me so sexy. I can look at a perfect woman and know immediately how to make her better. You could try this at home, but you'll only get your ass kicked by a girl.
If you looked half as good as Victoria Silvstedt, you couldn't help but to get naked on boat and start masturbating, paparazzi be damned! That's the kind of hot that no one can resist, not even those who possess it. Now if only I could figure out my excuse for masturbating in front of the supermarket media so often.....
Ah, fuck it. Let's just watch Victoria finger-fuck herself, shall we?
Extra Special Hat-Tip to What Would Tyler Durden Do
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Gett Off By: Prince From: Diamonds and Pearls
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