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Monday, October 02, 2006
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 LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY!
If I have one regret, it's that I've managed to get through life on my looks. Yes, I'm a gorgeous hunk of man, but this has come at a terrible cost. Specifically, I never developed much intellectually. Some would tell you that I'm something of a moron. It's terrible, but it's true. This is why you should feel sorry for every beautiful person you see. And give them money and anonymous sex. And then write the directions back to our homes on the back of our hands. With a sharpie. It makes us feel better about ourselves. Except for the directions part, that makes us feel useless. But that's more than made for with the money and anonymous sex.
I should say that I'm not completely oblivious. There are things that do I know. Moral certainty isn't something exclusive to people with an IQ over 60, you know. For example, I like Justin Timberlake. He's a pretty goddamn talented kid with a bright future ahead of him. But it seems awfully pretentious of him to annoint himself as the Chosen One to bring the "SexyBack." It comes across as arrogant. Besides, it simply isn't true. At least, it isn't as true as he thinks it is.
Late last week, it became an irrefutable fact that no one, and I do mean no one brings the "SexyBack" quite like former Republican Florida Congressman Mark Foley. Foley not only brings the sexy back, he takes it to new and exciting places.
This is precisely the kind of story a craven bastard like me needs to bring me out of the doldrums. Republican pedeasty is to me what the small of napalm in the morning is to the great Robert Duvall. It smells like ... victory.
Long story short, Mark Foley made a name for himself by persuing those who would sexually exploit children. He never tired of reminding everyone that he worked with America's Most Wanted and it's deranged jackal of a host, John Walsh. Picking on Walsh might seem cruel and unusual to the rest of you, but I'm a traditionalist - I remember a time when becoming rich and famous required more than just having a dead kid. And tradition means a lot to me. That's why I keep my Fred Goldman moustache and the bicycle with the really big front wheel. But now we're just getting back to sexy I am, and forgetting about Mark Foley, aren't we?
In any event, we now know what drove the good Congressman's epic quest to vanquish kidfuckers everywhere. The mirror. The guy Foley saw when he shaved everyday was his greatest inspiration and his greatest adversary. Congresman Foley is a lot like what Batman would be if he cut the crotch out of Robin's coustume.
Needless to say, It seems that Foley had a peculiar way of reaching out and touching someone.
 The "favorite young stud" in question just happens to be a sixteen-year-old Congressional page. The little cocktease should not be confused with the celebrated Gerry Studds, a renowned fellow traveller of Foley's.
I've been following political campaigns to some extent for over a quarter century now. As you may have noticed, I know a fair bit about the mechanics of how a campaign works and the history of how said mechanics were developed. I'm a lot like what Mark Hanna would be - if Mark Hanna had a passion for writing about Florida politicians who correspond with teenage boys about the fine art of towel-humping. Some think this is horrible boring and the unsexiest thing on earth, but it is knowledge that comes in handy when a story like this breaks.
There are two kinds of campaigning. The first is the one you're all most familiar with, "wholesale politics." This is the nasty television ad and the boring stump speech at the American Legion. This is tailored to a large audience for maximum effect. Watch Fox News for more than five seconds a day and you'll know how it works.
The second kind of campaign is something of a forgotten art. That would be "retail politics." This is when a candidate shows up at your door, shakes your hand, drinks your coffee and learns what you think about the great issues of the day. Trust me, nothing makes an unemployed steelworker from Lancaster, Pennsylvania feel better than being asked his opinion on how to save Social Security or what he considers the best strategy by which to win The Global War on Terror.
Well, you simply don't get more retail than telling someone that you want to peel the boxers off of a constituent. That's letting someone know that their needs are your priority. At least that's how I feel when someone tells me they want to remove my underpants. But we've already established that I'm the Grand Master of Bringing The SexyBack, haven't we?
But Representative Foley made three crucial errors. Firstly, the reciepient of the message was a resident of Louisiana and Foley represents Florida. Secondly, he isn't old enough to vote. Third, being a homosexual pederast isn't exactly the best way to make friends and influence people - especially in the southern United States. Well, Florida might be an exception. There are too many Cubans and French Canadians there for the Southerners to count for much of anything.
However, these were unforgiveable acts of political narrowcasting, and it has deservedly cost Foley his career. Seriously, you go for the homosexual pederast Republican vote after you et everybody else on board. Christ, everybody knows that!
Republicans are pissed because of the homosexual implications - five weeks before a crucial election - and Democrats are pissed because they hold the trademark on salacious sexery involving minors and therefore feel cheated. For his part, Foley has locked himself into rehab, which pisses me off. This seems to imply that alcohol is somehow the problem, and not the solution. Anyone who reads this blog knows that to be nonsense of the highest order. I'm only at my most politically astute - to say nothing of seductive - only when I've had every ounce of human comprehension throttled out of me by a bottle of Johnny Walker Black. With a beer chaser. And a dish of extra-spicy percocet on the side, lovingly dipped into my maw by a registered nurse wearing nothing but white fishnet stockings, pumps and one of those nurse hats.
But, as is true of most of us, Mark Foley has passed and he really has no lasting impact on history. His career is lust Dust In The Wind and the only people who will remember him six weks from now are perverts like me. The Republicans will pretty much break even in November, the Democrats will still be whiny little cocksuckers, and I'll still be bringing the SexyBack.
And I suppose that's how it should be.
PermalinkLabels: Fun With Politics
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