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Monday, May 08, 2006
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 "YOU SHOULD SEE MY HOME, IT'S ..... SO NICE"
As I'm sure everyone is aware, there's a completely dopey and utterly inconsequential election in the United States this fall. While the Republicans deserve to lose it like no one I've ever seen, they likely won't because they are cold, hard professionals who take no prisoners. The Democratic opposition is worthless and weak, more sad than funny. If were to place a bet on November today, they will maintain control of the House (if only barely), and may even pick up a couple of Senate seats.
There, that was easy. Actually, I might write about that in more detail, with all the "whys and wherefores" later. Or I might not. I'm thinking of dropping the serious stuff altogether and devote this blog entirely to dick jokes and stories about hot teachers who fuck kids. You people seem to like that stuff. Perverts and misfits being my prime demographic, that's something for me to consider.
Oh, I'm rambling. I do that sometimes. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Since the '06 elections are pretty much a wash, the only show in town is '08. And, as I mentioned, the Democrats are worthless and weak, so the only show then will be the Republican primaries.
I'm not going to lie to you, I have preferred candidates. I'd love to see either John McCain or Rudy Giulianni win the nomination. Either would eat anybody's lunch in a general campaign. Unfortunately, Republicans aren't quite that pragmatic. The don't nominate based on "electability," they need to pass an ideological freshness test first. McCain has spent the last decade pissing off the party establishment and Giulianni is pro-choice, pro-gun control and lived with a gay couple when his wife threw him out of Gracie Mansion - basically, he's a Democrat. While anything's possible, I think both will have a very hard time winning in the Southern-dominated Republican primaries. Not impossible -McCain is still the odds-on favourite - but very, very difficult.
The problem is that they could nominate a neandtrathal like Sam Brownback or Rick Santorum instead. Hillary Clinton, Al Gore or Mark Warner would destroy any of those guys. I don't see '08 being a national security election in a way that's favourable to the Republicans. It'll be about economics and how badly Bush has fucked up beyond redemption on same. National security will be discussed, but only as it pertains to forgetting that Iraq ever existed; which by then, it may well not.
George Allen looks promising, but no one knows who is and the Republicans don't have a long history of nominating nobodies. Besides, Allen could very well be beaten by his successor as governor of Virginia, Mark Warner, who is also unknown to everyone.
This is why I am submitting this memorandum to the Republican National Committee.
Fellow Republicans,
This is a time for a sensible Republican president who can stop the pathetic and weak Democrats, whose biggest problem with Bush is that he didn't spend enough money on dumb priorities. I, like most reasonable adults, believe that President Bush has spent more than enough on dumb priorities.
I think we all know where I'm going with this, right? This is the perfect time to put Morris Day in the Oval Office. Indeed, a new day is dawing and it dawns for Morris. This is Morris's Day and I think the Republican establishment knows it.
Anyone who doesn't recognize that Morris is the perfect Republican candidate is an idiot and their views are just too silly to be considered by serious professionals like myself. Not only would Day carry the black vote to the GOP, he would also bring the state of Minnesota to the Republican fold. George Bush came close, but even he was beaten by the non-campaigns of Al Gore and John Kerry.
Yes, there are constitutional problems with my dream ticket, which would put Jerome Benton in the vice-presidency. As we all know, presidential and vice-presidential candidates are specifically precluded from being from the same state. I'll have to move Jerome and establish residency for him in another state. I'm thinking Michigan, since about a fifth of my hits come from there and it would be a psychologically devasating loss for the Democrats. Minnesota hasn't gone Republican since 1972 and Michigan hasn't since '88. Even though the combined number of electoral votes (10 for Minnesota and 17 for Michigan) aren't as impressive as winning the more populous states of Pennsylvania (21) or Florida (27), they show the Democrats that their most reliable states can be taken from them at will. And Morris Day is just the man to show them.
Increasingly, American voters don't pay attention to the primary process that selects a presidential nominee. Morris Day would change that. His mesmerizing performances on the campaign trail would ensure that the Republicans would have a distinct advantage over any Democratic nominee. The primary debates would be a fascinating, if futile exercise for the other candidates. Senator McCain, because of his wat injuries, cannot dance "the Bird." Former Mayor Giulianni, on his third marriage, would be unable to defend himself from the allegation that "the kid can't make you come." And I think we are all too familiar with Santorum's views on "Jungle Love" as it is.
It is time that Republicans everywhere realize that Morris Day is the party's inevitable 2008 presidential nominee . The only question is if you want it easy, or if you want it hard.
Jerome Benton might be the most perfectly qualified vice-presidential nominee in American history. He only ever says anything after Morris says it first. Frequently, he uses only the last three words of Day's declarations. While this technique is untested, I believe it will be devastatingly effective. Benton is simply incapable of going off message and is incapable of embarrassing the presidential nominee. Benton and Day has been on message together for over twenty years.
While Senator Obama will be a formidible force on the Democratic ticket, there is no reason to believe that he can dance like Jerome. Barak Obama, who Republicans fear most given his rhetorical skills and his margin of victory in Illinois, is effectively neutralized by Benton. Jerome Benton is the indispensible man to the Day '08 campaign.
The campaign is still over two years away, but it is essentially over. We should think forward to a Day administration.
Not since 1961 has there been an inagural address that anyone has remembered for longer than 24 seconds. Imagine if you will a speech that begins, "You should see my home. It's ... so nice!" Knowing that that home is 1600 Pennsylvania Boulevard, the American people will be powerlessly in love for the new president of the United States.
The State of the Union will once again become a special event. Once people see Vice President Benton on the dias with President Day's giant mirror at the ready, they will know that the American government once again means business.
A New Day Has Dawned! Morris / Jerome '08! Unless you're scared.....
I remain yours,
skippystalin
Hey, I think I just changed the face of American politics forever. And to think I was going to give up the serious posts. That was crazy talk.
UPDATE: Tuesday May 9, 2006:
This just in from the desk of the incomperable Ford W. Maverick
He's a good boy, that Ford. You should go read his blog.
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