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Monday, January 16, 2006
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 SPEAKING WORDS OF WISDOM: JESSICA ALBA'S ASS
If you're anything like me, you get depressed for no good reason sometimes. Well, I have several very good reasons to be depressed. Thankfully, that's what alcohol is for. Nothing will turn a frown upside down quite like drinking Guinness at 7 AM on a Monday morning.
Well, there is one thing. That would be Jessica Alba's ass. Holy Christ, just look at that thing. Any of you who disbelieve the concept of human perfection obviously haven't seen it. Or you were born wrong. Or are homosexuals.
For those of you out there that feel that life just isn't worth living, I give you Jessica Alba's ass. Well, I can't give it to you, because it's not mine to give. And if it were, I wouldn't. So, I'm greedy. Go fuck yourselves.
Just as that burning bush spole to Moses and convinced him to do all manner of dopey shit, Jessica Alba's ass speaks to me. In a secret language. A language only I can understand. It says things to me. Things like, "I know that you'll never get to taste me or sample the little piece of heaven between these cheeks because I'm a huge Hollywood star and you're a loser and a monumentally ugly idiot who needs to sober the fuck up and shave already. But just because I exist, you should know that there is a Higher Power. I prove that perfection is possible in this cold, horribly brutal world."
"You suck and you always will. Nothing will ever change that, and we both know it. But mine are benevolent butt-cheeks and I'll let you continue to live if only to dream about me. I'll be yet another of the things that you want, but can never have. The banker dropped you on your ass because you're such a pathetic bastard, and you're hallucinating if you think that you're ever going to get with the stripper. Have you noticed that all of our first names begin with the letter J? Of course you have, you putz!"
"You should've killed yourself as an infant. There was a time a time when you were short enough to have hanged yourself in your parent's basement, but you were too cowardly and stuipid to pull that off, weren't you? Yes, you were! So there you are, thinking of nothing but me, and the obscene things that you'd like to do with me. And you know what? I'll give you your sad little fantasies, if for no other reason than I couldn't stand the idea of having your blood on my ass."
"God, you're a schmuck! I can't believe that I wasted the air I could've use farting to talk to the likes of you."
You know what? Jessica Alba's ass is wise, if a little mean-spirited. But amazingly, I DO feel better.
Image ruthlessly stolen from Mitchieville
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