 MEMO TO THE PRESIDENT: GO FUCK YOURSELF
There are few things as funny as watching a Republican dismissing the laws of supply and demand without shame. Generally speaking, Repubicans live and die by the power of the free market. However, there are times when market forces don't properly line up with creating a society of white, suburban soccer moms. When this happens, the United States government becomes the single largest foe of the free market in the world today.
Often times, this involves drugs. Americans love drugs! They seemingly can't get enough of them. With 5% of the world's population, the United States consumes 50% of the world's illegal narcotics. That's mighty impressive by any standard. 300, 000,000 peoople are taking enough drugs to keep 3,000,0000,0000 people drooling and happy.
Why does this happen? Because Americans like getting fucked up. It couldn't be simplier than that. Your average American citizen would do as well on a drug test as Lou Reed in 1978.
It should go without saying that the U.S. government dissaproves of this. The United States has some of the most draconian drug laws known to man. Further, these laws frequently ignore the very constitution that allows their very existence - specifically, the Fifth Amendment prohibition against double jeoprady.
It is not at all uncommon for a drug defendant to be aquitted in state court only to be faced with an identical charge under federal law. American federal law, which does not prohibit murder in most cases, does leave drug users open to legal jeopardy, regardless of any state action against them.
I'm not a U.S citizen, so their drug laws should really mean nothing to me, except for that one time when I got blasted enough on pot in Oakland to deal with my then-girlfriend's parents. That was a special circumstance. Usually, I'm a very repectful of the laws of a country where I am a guest.But I'm sure that any court in the land would find in my favor if they met this family. You try being in a strange country and listening to crazy people yell at one another all day. Then try it straight. Oh, and I take acetominophen with codiene - a drug that's sold over the counter in Canada, but available only by prescription in the United States - across the border regularly. The Department of Homeland Security doesn't seem to much mind this, though.
All things being equal, since I'm not a citizen, I'm not suject to their laws, and they shouldn't bother me all that much. But the United States government has gone out of their way to make their drug laws my business, so I feel that I have every right to comment on them. This is because they like to point fingers at the countries that supply the demand of for happy drugs.
Anyone over the age of five should see the silliness of this. These countries - often very poor ones - do nothing other than give Americans what they demonstrably want. And the U.S government seeks to punish and otherwise marginilze them for same. If anyone can tell me why Columbia should suffer because Americans happen to love its cocaine, I'd be thrilled to listen.
But here's what ends up happening. Because cocaine is illegal in the United States, it is very expensive. This creates a profit motive for those that would produce and distribute cocaine for American consumption.
But because the United States government is singularly unable to curb the domestic demand for Columbian cocaine, they have decided to pressure Columbia. This has lead to a low-level civil war beteen the government and the drug cartels, who, not surprisingly, have allied themselves with a regional Marxist insurgent movement. These insurgents and drug cartels have murdered hundreds of police, judges and innocent civilians over the last 20 years.
And why does this happen? Because the United States Congress has determined that dead Columbians is a worthy price to pay to avoid Americans shoving white powder up their noses.
Of course, the American government isn't entirely consistent with the policy. Afghanistan should tell you everything you need to know about the seriousness of the American War on Drugs.
Before I go any further, I should explain that the United States did not topple the Taliban in Afghanistan. The Uzbeck Northern Allience did, the Americans merely provided massive air-cover as the Northern Alliance fought the actual battles on the ground.
The problem is that the Northern Alliance are little more than warlords with their own connections to the opium trade. Just last week, the United Nations released a report stating that 92% of the world's heroin now originates from Afghanistan, a 300% increase in production from when the Taliban controlled the country.
This is a classic Catch-22 situation. If the Americans get serious about curbing the opium trade, they lose their most important allies in the War on Terror. If they do not, they are subsidizing the production and distribution of heroin that inevitably ends up on American streets. They are caught between terrorists and drug dealers.
And if you listen to the United States, they are precisely the same thing. In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, the Partnership for a Drug-Free America ran a series of stunningly stupid commercials suggesting that in smoking a joint, Americans are subsidizing terrorism.
Firstly, I'm not aware of any anti-American terror that is coming from Jamaica, where most of the world's marijuanna is grown. Secondly, it seems to me that if Americans resoundingly ignore their own drugs laws, then the law itself might be at fault. And remember, NATO is building the ultimate narco-state in Afghanistan as we speak.
On Monday, the White House released a statement on all of the bad-boy countries in the War on Drugs. My country happened to be on that list, which sort of gets my panties all in a bunch.
The Government of Canada (GOC) continued to effectively curb the diversion of precursor chemicals that are required for methamphetamine production to feed U.S. illegal markets. The GOC also continued to seize laboratories that produce MDMA/Ecstasy consumed in both Canada and the United States. The principal drug concern was the continuing large-scale production of high-potency, indoor-grown marijuana for export to the United States. The United States enjoyed excellent cooperation with Canada across a broad range of law enforcement issues and shared goals.
Reasonbly complimentary to be sure, but who in the fuck is President Bush to pat Canada on the head because of our domestic laws?
The United States Congress felt it necessary to pervert the anti-terrorist USAPATRIOT ACT to control the sale of certain cold medicines. If the federal government is compelled to over-react because some toothless wizards in an Oklahoma trailer park have invented new and exciting ways to get high, that is their right. What I do kind of mind is when said government decides that they have the right to regulate pharmacies in Toronto.
Simply put, fuck you. No one elected you here, and we have no interest whatsoever in curbing the demented appetites of your drug fiends. If some mongloid in Montana decides that he's going to buy a fuckload of Sudafed in Calgary, that's your problem, not mine. Maybe, just maybe, you'd be far better off if you controlled the habits of your own fucking citizens than you'd be butting into the business of my country.
A couple of years ago, the Liberal government sensiby decided that the War on Drugs was silly, expensive and doomed. They decided that perhaps the time had come to decriminalize marijuanna. It wasn't half as far as I'd be prepared to go, but it is fully within the rights of a soveriegn country to decide.
Of course, Washington doesn't see it that way. The Bush administration responded by threatening massive delays for Canadians crossing the border because they'd be compelled to search for pot on each and every traveller. Which is just fine with me. Thankfully, I have a super-pretty asshole, and few things turn me on quite as much as some beauracrat from Buffalo, Detroit, or Seattle looking up it. Yeah, most of my girlfriends have thought that was wrong, too.
But these things have a nasty habit of working both ways. Canada has laws against handguns, which Americans crossing the border seem to be blissfully ignorant of. Your handguns also have a nasty habit of ending up on my streets and killing my fellow citizens.
Currently, my border officials relieve American tourists of their weapons and let them go on their merry little way. That can change in hurry, if you're not careful. We can actually send those people to the clink for smuggling guns into my country.
Canada also has no First Amendment. That being the case, we have laws against "hate speech." You have several thousand citizens who put very nasty things on the Internet in violation of Canadian law. My disagreement with these laws does nothing to change the fact that they exist. And they can be applied extra-territorially just as easily as your drug laws are.
Canada is also a signatory to the Treaty of Rome, which established the International Criminal Court. We're currently not enforcing its provisions, but we could. Which means that U.S soldiers - and policymakers - who have gotten a little out of hand anywhere in the world should give Canada a wide bearth, lest they get busted and deported to The Hague.
If the United States wants to shut down the border, they are free to do so. But it should know that it gets all kinds of neat stuff from us, too. These things include oil, fresh water and electricity. Try running your ecomony without them.
The funny thing is, I love America. I've spent most of my life and tens of thousands of dollars studying it. I'm probably the best friend the United States has in Canada. But I'm getting good and goddamn tired of the American government applying their laws inside of my borders.
Simply put, get your own house in order and think things before you tell anyone else how to run their country. Thanks.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Panic in Detroit By: David Bowie From: Aladdin Sane
PermalinkLabels: Fun With Politics, I Fought The Law, I See Monsters
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