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Tuesday, April 18, 2006
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 THE GREATEST CONSPIRACY STORY EVER TOLD
If you're anything like me (and most right thinking people are), then you're big on two things - genital punishing bouts of masturbation and conspiracy theories involving Christ. Unfortunately, most folks aren't anywhere nearly as skilled as I am, and cannot combine the two. Not that I'd suggest that any of you try this. These are, after all, professional tricks performed by a professional and not intended for home use. This is just one of the many reasons that I'm so sexy and you are not. I'm versitile and versitility is in short supply in this Dark Era of Bush.
If you were to poll my family and friends, they would be unified in one opinion. That is that I am one of the great biblical scholars of my day. Frankly, the only person living today better schooled in the Holy Bible is one William Jefferson Clinton, who magically found a reference to blowjobs not being sex that I missed. I'm comforted that the United States House of Representatives and Mrs. Clinton missed it too, but not as much as you would suspect. As a fellatio enthusiast, I am shocked and saddened that I missed something so important. Consequently, I have harboured great doubts about my intellect and decency since that dark day in 1998 when I first read the Starr Report.
There are many important things to be gleaned from the Bible, things that every cosmopolitan man should know. These include the proper circumstances under which someone may be taken to the gates of the city and stoned to death. Etiquette couldn't be more important to me. I would posit that the modern gentleman who stones another at the gates of the city under the wrong conditions is not a gentleman at all. Maybe it's just me. This would not be the first time I've been called old-fashioned, and it certainly won't be the last. Besides, where else can you learn that shellfish and menstruation are evil and to be avoided at all costs?
I'm also a famous student of politics. Most people make the mistake of viewing the Passion of the Christ through a religious lens as opposed to a political one. Indeed, Jesus' death was actually an assissination. A political act. One should remember that Christ only had but twelve disciples at the time of his death, and one was less than fully loyal. But He did present a challenge to the established political order of his day. Indeed, Roman and Jew alike were less than receptive to His message of "love thy neighbour." Understandably, crucifixion was the only appropriate response to that message.
In this context, His crucifixion makes much more sense than does killing the Son of God and allowing Him to die for our sins. Jesus was seen as a troublemaker and He simply had to go. As is true today, when one becomes bothersome, one needs to be made an example of for the others. We shouldn't fault the Romans for resorting to crucifixion just because the O'Reilly Factor hadn't been invented yet. While crucifixion is highly unpleasant, it sucks a whole lot less than having a loudmouth Mick with a loofah fetish tear into you for twenty minutes. Also, in ancient times, there were no microphones to cut off. Being forced to wear a loincloth and a crown of thorns whilst being attached to lumber sounds downright dignified in comparison.
There was a generally accepted truth, or "truthiness", about Christ for over 2,000 years. These include that He was born unto a virgin, moonlighted as a carpenter, was croaked and rose again. Generally speaking, we were all pretty happy with it that way. Well, unless you happened to be a Jew, Muslim or Hindu, I suppose. But who listens to those folks? After all, if Jesus loved them so much, He wouldn't have encouraged us to conquer their lands, now would He?
 Anyhow, we all believed the party line. Frequently, the party line was celebrated at various times through the year with gifts of chocolate bunnies and video game systems. That is, until some schmuck named Dan Brown came along with a really popular book called "the Da Vinci Code," which has gone on to sell 45 million copies.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that anything that 45 million people agree on is usually wrong. This is particularly true of books. Books that sell that many copies are usually Mein Kampf and the Little Red Book and consequently lead to mass murder and other ungentlemanly conduct. 45 million people agreeing about anything is a pretty good indicator that it is stupid and dangerous. 45 million Germans agreed about Hitler and look how that turned out.
But Brown actually has a pretty interesting theory about the facts of the life of Christ. Brown argues that Jesus was married and had kids, just like Ray Romano. Well, there is one significant difference. Everybody loves Jesus and I have yet to meet a single sensible adult who feels the same way about Raymond. Indeed, those I have the highest respect for think Raymond is a putz and the only emotions he inspires in them are blinding fury and cold, cold contempt. Raymond is the anti-Christ. Don't believe me? Just ask Patricia Heaton.
Futhermore, Brown writes that Jesus faked his own death, and did so 2,000 years before Elvis Presley and Jim Morrison. I'm sure I'm not alone in liking the idea of Christ faking his own death to get out of the whole "Son of God" game, and becoming the night manager of a Fort Worth massage parlour. Why Fort Worth? Because Corpus Christi would be too obvious.
So far as I know, Brown doesn't speculate on His true cause of death, but I'd be comforted to learn that it was adult onset diabetes. That would serve to reinforce my theory that if prophets were so wise, they would have been born after the discovery of insulin.
What I find so striking is that Brown's theory has drawn a pretty big audience. No, I don't mean the 45 million yenta housewives who bought his book. I mean the significant number of foks who actually believe it.
Almost one in five Canadians believes Jesus Christ's death on the cross was faked and that he married and had a family, according to a new poll that challenges the cornerstone Christian belief in the resurrection.
Although 73% of Canadians and 78% of Americans said they believe Jesus died on the cross and was resurrected to eternal life, religious studies professor Richard Ascough said the poll shows "that The Da Vinci Code is winning the day," a reference to the best-selling novel that raises the conspiracy theory about Jesus.
The poll, conducted for CanWest News Service in the days leading up to Easter, indicated 17% of Canadians and 13% of Americans believe author Dan Brown's premise, which has been fiercely disputed by Christian religious leaders, including the Archbishop of Canterbury in an Easter service yesterday.
The Resurrection is central to the Christian faith and Easter is considered the most important religious holiday of the year.
Ipsos Reid conducted its telephone survey with 814 Canadians and 768 Americans on April 11-12. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 3.5 percentage points, 19 times in 20.
Sure, 17% doesn't sound like a lot at first blush. But one should consider that there are 32 million people in Canada. 17% of 32,000,000 is 544,000 people who believe the Gospel According to Dan Brown. That's kind of shocking when you really think about it.
 Or not. See, the conventional wisdom is pretty disturbing, too. According to the party line, Jesus, as the Son of God, was infinate and all-powerful. This is evidenced by the walking on water and turning water into wine incidents, to say nothing of His proclivity for making love out of nothing at all. Oh right. That was Air Supply. I get confused sometimes.
But as an infinate and all powerful person, one presumes that Jesus couldn't be killed unless he wanted to be. Whether he did it to make a point or not is meaningless. 20 centuries of Christian dogma demand that we believe that the crucifixion of Christ was perhaps the first instance of suicide by centurion. Just like JFK and Tupac. Certainly, no one wants to think of the Lamb of God as being like Mel Gibson in the first Lethal Weapon movie, but all the available evidence - and centures of theology - suggests that he was.
Or perhaps, like Danny Glover, I'm getting too old for this shit. Who's to say?
The whole debate is based on a retarded premise crafted by the Hollywood power system. After all, the film version of the Da Vinci Code, starring Tom Hanks, is due to be released this summer. While Tom Hanks is seen as many things, a symbol of Universial Truth is hardly one of them. Yes, I will turn to him if I need to learn how transvestitism leads to a rent-controlled apartment. Or if I am a police officer saddled with a overly droolsome canine partner. But I hardly think that I would turn to him to uncover the Great Christ Cover-Up of 32 A.D. Well, I might if I suspected that Peter Scolari was involved. If nothing else, I'm a very thorough man and leave nothing to chance. If you think that I'm suggesting that Peter Scolari is the anti-Christ.... well, you're right.
This is show business manipulation at its best. Without even trying, Hollywood has managed to pit one group with a flawed belief system, religious people, against a group of actual retarded people, Dan Brown fans. And this isn't the first time that this has happened. The aforementioned Mel Gibson pulled the same trick off with his Jesus snuff movie of two years ago. That lead to a huge shitstorm of stupidity as well.
On the other hand, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I just spend far too much time thinking about this nonsense. I should drink more. Drinking makes me smile when nothing else will. Maybe if God's earthly representation was less skinny guy of Middle Eastern descent and more dark liquid from Ireland, I'd take him more seriously.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: I Dream of Jesus By:The Dead Milkmen. From: Not Richard, But Dick
PermalinkLabels: Celebrity Skin, People Are Strange
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