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Friday, June 30, 2006
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 WHO'S THE BETTER BOYFRIEND, PART II: ROY COHN OR skippystalin?
Back in February (when I was still writing posts to entertain people other than myself), I had a brilliant idea - compare my romantic prowess to society's most celebrated deviants.
I thought the concept was hilarious for obvious reasons. C'mon, we all know that no one's a more twisted ghoul than I, right? The entire raison d'etre of this blog is to serve as a sickly exhibitionist depiction of what a monumental human failure I am. Indeed, only British Buddhist fuckheads with imaginary friends named "Barry" and invented Kenyan military histories are more pathetic than I am.
Even as a child, I knew that my limited intelligence, disfigured visage, demented sex-drive and disturbing lack of a soul wouldn't stand me in good stead with the rest of humanity. Whether shutting myself off from my fellow man was an act of empathy or pre-emption remains an open question, even to me.
But something drove me. What, I asked, distinguishes a mere miscreant like me from actual monsters? I know there are people worse than I am, don't get me wrong. For example, I've never participated in a genocide or destroyed the life of anyone who wasn't truly asking for it. As much as I like to think that I'm the Worst Person Ever, I'm not crazy enough to actually believe it. I did, however, want to know how I fared against the people who actually are.
The first person I put myself up against was the self-proclaimed "20th highjacker", Zacarias Moussaoui. Moussaoui was at the time on trial for his life in Virginia, and he seemed as good a person to start with as any. I'm not proud say this, but Moussaoui kicked my ass in the romance department. I can only thank God that he's been locked away for the last five years, lest I not gotten laid at all during that period.
The problem is that those posts are involve a lot of research, are very hard to write, and I'm very lazy.
But I came up with the perfect opponent to myself up against. Someone that, if I can't beat him, will prove once and for all that I'm well and truly fucked with the ladies. That would be history's foremost McCarthyite, Roy Cohn.
As was true with my doomed cage match with Moussaoui, I do not know the outcome of this as I write it. I'll use the Moussaoui questions as a template, but I might change some or add to them.
Let's roll.
QUESTION ONE: Who has the cooler friends, Cohn or skippy?
Cohn counted amoung his mentors the drunken, paranoid liar, Joseph McCarthy and the paranoid, brain-damaged transvestite, J. Edgar Hoover. Y'know, Ann Coulter's kind of people.
skippy often recieves spiritual counsel and copious amounts of drugs from the great Dr. Reverend and his lovely wife. He is also counted as a Loyal Minion of the Maximum Leader and a sexual fantasy of the blowjobalicious DeAnna.
Conclusion: If this were a Monster's Ball, Cohn would have me beat. Thankfully, it isn't. Cohn: 0, skippy: 1
QUESTION TWO: Who is the more ambitious man, Cohn or skippy?
Cohn was an Assistant U.S Attorney for the Southern District of New York. He used his ugly accomplishments in that office to springboard himself into the position of chief counsel to McCarthy's Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations. After McCarthy's disgrace, Cohn started a private practice, with clients that included mobsters, drug-addled disco owners and Donald Trump. At his peak, Cohn is stimated to have earned millions.
skippy was a security shift supervisor for two prominent office buildings in downtown Toronto and the head concierge for two high-end condominiums. He also arrested teenagers for stealing 50 Cent CDs. He has never earned more than $32,000 (Canadian.)
Conclusion: On top of everything else, I'm a professional loser, too. Cohn: 1, skippy:1
QUESTION THREE:Who's the more religious man, Cohn or skippy?
Cohn was raised as a Conservative Jew, but used his positions to persecute other Jews, including seeking (and obtaining) the death penalty for Julius and Ethel Rosenberg - one of whom was innocent and the other unworthy of execution. Cohn's private discussions of Communism often veered into anti-Semetic rants.
skippy is an unconfirmed and lapsed Catholic who has wriiten several vitriolic anti-Papist rants.
Conclusion: My lack of religion never sent anyone to the electric chair. Cohn:1, skippy:2
QUESTION FOUR: Who is more likely to treat a lady right, Cohn or skippy?
Cohn was cleverly alluded to as ""a pixy ... a close relative of a fairy" by the minority counsel in the Army/McCarthy hearings, Joseph Welch. His "close relationship" with David Schine was one of the causes of the eventual discrediting of McCarthy himself. Cohn, one of history's most faaabulous queers, attempted to beard himself with Barbara Walters for a time. Cohn "mysteriously" died of AIDS on August 2, 1986.
skippy rarely, if ever, directly names his romantic partners in public, knowing the deep sense of profound shame each of them must feel. Under no circumstances would he pretend to be fucking Barbara Walters.
Conclusion: Two words: "Barbara Walters." Cohn: 1, skippy: 3
QUESTION FIVE: Who cleans up better, Cohn or skippy?
Cohn , never an attractive man, died covered in Kaposi's Sarcoma, a skin cancer common to AIDS patients.
skippy doesn't need cancerous lesions to be ugly.
Conclision: Cohn had to contract a lethal disease to get uglier than me. And he probably had fun getting it. I have no fun, ever, yet will also hopefully die soon. Cohn:2, skippy:3
SKIPPY WINS: 3-2!!!!!!!!!!!
A razor-thin victory, to be sure, but one I'll take with glee. Sure, I probably shouldn't be so proud of barely beating a dead, homosexual, anti-Semetic McCarthyite, but you take your victories where you find them. No, my family probably won't include these results in the yearly Christmas card, but I'll put them in the card I send my closest friends.
I'm a truly, deeply sad man, but, at this point, I'll take what I can get.
I'd just like to thank the Academy.......
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Pay No Mind (Snoozer) By: Beck From: Mellow Gold
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Labels: LiLife With skippy
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