 DESTROYING THE VILLAGE TO SAVE IT: UGLY PUSSY, THE FIRST AMENDMENT AND THE FUTILITY OF THE "MILLER RULE."
There were a couple of scandals about that I could have chosen to write about last week. As all the hip websites have reported, Lindsay Lohan's beautifully bald cooter made its show business debut. I chose instead to write about the havok that Doris Ozmun's nude form has wreaked on the Oklahoma town of Snyder. What can I tell you, I have truly fucked up priorities.
Writing about La Lohan's cunt would have just been pussy for the sake of pussy though. And I'm far too high-brow for that. I think you all know me well enough by now to know that I prefer a constitutional issue or two jammed into that pink paradise with as many of my body parts as will comfortably fit. You might think that I jot these musings down in the nude and lying on a bearskin rub, but you'd be wrong. Yes, I am on a bearskin rug, but I'm wearing an ascot and a monocle. Other than that, I'm naked. I'm so classy.
When last we saw the cosmopolitian denizens of Snyder, they were plunged into a civic upending not unlike Watergate - if Watergate were about President Nixon rubbing his waxed nutsack on G. Gordon Liddy's bald pate. The villagers were questioning their leaders, and anyone who has seen what this has done to the Bush administration will tell you that the process isn't pretty.
Before I go any further, I should note that I've had my share of pussy. It was enjoyable almost every time, although the consequenes of that enjoyment were often less so. In some cases much less so. In some cases, I thought that the quim in question was worth its weight in gold. But never did I think that there was a cock-pocket so powerful as to be careful to undermine an entire municipal government. Not since Kim Bassinger bought the town of Braselton, Georgia has one ham-wallet caused so much smalltown scandal.
As you might imagine, I hadn't actually seen Mrs. Ouzman when I composed Friday's dispatch. Now that I have, I can only describe myself as plauged by confusion and an impending sense of dread.
It is always regrettable when women bring about the fall of empires. But it should always be remembered that such women are usually beautiful - or at least passibly attractive. Or rich. Doris Ozmun is .... um, ... otherwise. Very, very otherwise.
 Don't get me wrong, I would completely understood it if, say, Traci Bringham, brought Oklahoman democracy to its knees and undermined respect for law and order everywhere. This is because Traci Bingham is unspeakably beautiful. And if the second season of The Surreal Life is to be believed, she is also a drunken slut, happy only when spilling over with Chivas Regal and a heaping of my DNA. It shouldn't take a fucking civics class to teach you that she is what you throw away your civic institutions for, not Doris Ozmun. Obviously, all of the people of Oklahoma should be sent back to school immediately.
Just look at poor Traci. She's as shocked as I am about all of this nastiness. It may well be time that President Bush forget about the Middle East and start bombing Oklahoma until they recognize the value of a ballot, to say nothing of quality poontang.
On Friday, most of Snyder's elected leadership resigned their offices over the conflageration of death that has shot out of Mrs. Ozmun's hairpie. Never before has police husbandry gone so horribly, terribly wrong.
The police chief, the mayor and a councilman from a small, southwestern Oklahoma town resigned Friday, saying they were fed up with the public attention and criticism they received after nude photos of the chief's wife appeared on a website and they began circulating around town.
"This has turned into a media circus," said Snyder's police chief, Tod Ozmun. "I don't feel like me staying in office is going to benefit my department or my staff. This has turned into a mess. This is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous."
Indeed, it is ridiculous. I can believe that demoracy is fragile in places like Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebanon and Snyder, Oklahoma. But I still can't get my head around the idea that Doris Ozmun is making a living selling ... Doris Ozmun. She isn't a MILF as much as she's a MILK - a Mother I'd Like To Kill.
Dozens of local residents had called for Ozmun's resignation, but city council decided last week that Doris Ozmun's adult pictures were protected by the First Amendment. A prosecutor had called for an investigation.
The chief read a statement from Clifford Barnard, the councilman who resigned:
"The citizens' concerns that we were not enforcing religious and moral beliefs was very heartfelt, and I don't want to be associated with their moral or religious beliefs because I've never read anywhere in the Good Book that the Lord wanted us to persecute those that did not hold the same morals or values."
I'd like to applaud former councilman Barnard for knowing his Bible. To find justification for the persecution of those with differing moral beliefs, you'd have to look to 2,000 years of Christian practice, NOT the Bible. A distinction without a difference perhaps, but still a distinction.
Mayor Dale Moore also resigned.
"I think this is wrong and I won't put up with it," he told The Oklahoman. "I don't want to work in a community like this."
And that's exactly why I never ran for mayor of Snyder. That and because I had never heard of Snyder before this whole stupid mess. But now I'm really against the idea, so everyone can stop asking. I will not run if nominated, and will not serve if elected. On the other hand, Al Gore might.
But why couldn't Tod keep his bitch in line? Jesus, the chief of of police marrying a woman who readily admits to stripping on the Internet while a pig looks pretty bad. Particularly given Oklahoma's thirteenth century laws against virtually everything. And it's generally accepted that if a man's wife does something to threaten his job, he gets to beat the shit out of her without consequence. So what's up, Tod?
He said he has had lengthy discussions with his wife about the photos but does not tell her what to do.
"My wife is six-foot-three and weighs 300 pounds," he said. "If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to."
Point one for Chief Tod. Doris sounds like a pretty tough dude.
Tod Ozmun, 34, chief since January 2005, said he first met his wife 11 years ago. He said she is his former police partner.
I didn't know that Doris was a cop until just now, actually. All I know is that she just finished a two-year prison sentence for manufacturing methamphetimine.
Okay, let me get this straight; the town of Snyder hires a police chief whose ex-cop wife is in the hoosgow for making a no-no drug in the fucking bathtub and no one says a word. But the porno is a problem? The Chief of Police has a goddamn parole officer, fine, but keep those fucking udders to yourself, Doris. Jesus Herbert Walker Christ, I think I've figured it out. Everyone in Snyder is retarded!
 It goes without saying that everyone involved in this sorry, stupid story is now scrambling about for a flag to wrap themselves in. Had Doris done this sooner, we might have avoided all of this ugliness - both figurative and literal - in the first place.
Demands for his removal reached a head at a packed council meeting last week. Council members met in executive session and Moore emerged with a statement saying no laws had been broken:
"As mayor and council of the city of Snyder … we do not endorse pornography; however, we do endorse an individual's rights under the First Amendment of freedom and expression."
Doris, her husband, former mayor Moore and a majority of the Snyder city council have seemingly just discovered the First Amendment. I very seriously doubt that any of the above (with the likely exception of Doris) were railing about Oklahoma's obscenity laws before last week. And, as I mentioned before, you don't get crazier than Oklahoma's obscenity law. Here's how that law defines "sexual conduct;"
a. acts of sexual intercourse including any intercourse which is normal or perverted, actual or simulated,
b. acts of deviate sexual conduct, including oral and anal sodomy,
c. acts of masturbation,
d. acts of sadomasochistic abuse including but not limited to:
(1) flagellation or torture by or upon any person who is nude or clad in undergarments or in a costume which is of a revealing nature, or
(2) the condition of being fettered, bound, or otherwise physically restrained on the part of one who is nude or so clothed,
e. acts of excretion in a sexual context, or
f. acts of exhibiting human genitals or pubic areas.The types of sexual conduct described in paragraph 3 of this section are intended to include situations when, if appropriate to the typeof conduct, the conduct is performed alone or between members of thesame or opposite sex or between humans and animals in an act of apparent sexual stimulation or gratification.
That law is like grandmother's nighshirt - it covers everything, normal or perverted, actual or simulated.
Worse still, Oklahoma, along with every other state in the union operates under what is known as the "Miller test." This is a constitutional standard that grew out of the Supreme Court's majority ruling in Miller v. California (1973)
You'd be hard pressed to find a decision from the High Court as cowardly, wrong-headed and outright fucking stupid as Miller. The decision calls for "the average person, applying contemporary community standards" to decide what is and what is not obscene material.
Having average people applying contemporary community standards in deciding stuff might sound like a fine idea, at least until you start using your head for something other than eating pie, sucking cock and banging walls with.
You see, obscenity law involves the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States. That's a federal document. The Supreme Court might not have known this all the way back in 1973, but "contemporary community standards" are not mentioned in the Constitution. As a matter of fact, neither are communities. Nothing below a state legislature has a constitutional right to even exist. Yet the Supreme Court conferred upon them the right to interpret the First Amendment. Why? Because the words "Congress shall make no law ... abridging the freedom of speech" are awfully complicated. Or because the justices were just fucking cowards, I haven't decided which yet.
And it gets better, too. Oh, it gets so much better. As the law currently stands, "community standards" get to decide what free speech is. Speech that is free in, say, Ann Arbor, Michigan might be punishable in South Carolina. This is because the First Amendment is extra special.
It must be. After all, there's no Miller Test for another area of constitutional controversy. Some suburb of Atlanta can't just decide that they'd like to let their citizens own other people and make them do the shit-work, regardless of what the Thirteenth Amendment says. C'mon, that's what illegal immigrants are for. Cranston, Rhode Island can't get all goofy and take everyone's firearms just because they think the Second Amendment is creepy. And while North Dakota is trying to overurn Roe v. Wade all by themselves, they're in for a historic ass-kicking. Just wait, it'll be fun to watch. You either enjoy a right, or you don't. The opinions of the fucking community have not a thing to do with it. Unless of course, you're discussing the right to express an idea. In that case the Burger Court has conferred upon your neighbors the inalienable right to be Gladys Kravitz. The idea of viewing the United States Constitution - particularly these days - through the prism of contemporary community standards is not only lazy, cowardly and stupid, it's incredibly dangerous.
This is all important because Doris Ozmun might just get a strong dose of Miller silliness.
John Wampler, Kiowa County's district attorney, has asked the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation to look into the matter. Wampler has said the photos would not be protected under the First Amendment if they could be shown to meet the legal threshold for impermissible obscenity.
"In my opinion, the photos that I was shown are obscene based on local community standards," he said. "Whether a court would agree may be a different matter."
This isn't like her methamphetemine hobby, where a prosecutor had to prove that she was manufacturing drugs. Nope, thanks to Miller, the citizens of Snyder only have to decide whether they like what she has to say. And those moralistic mongloids just decaptitated their own fucking government. If I were Doris, I wouldn't like my chances very much.
I hope you learned something from this little essay. I know I did. I learned something important. I learned why I don't get laid very often. As I wrote this, one question kept nagging at me. That question was "Who in the fuck spends this much time studying foreign constitutional case law?" And I immediately knew the answer. Sexless dwarves, that's who! Not only am I the ugliest bastard I know, I'm doomed by design.
If anybody needs me, I'll be in Snyder, Oklahoma.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Superpussy By: Rapeman From: Budd
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Labels: I Fought The Law, Modern Heroes
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