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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
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 "WELCOME TO CANADA. NOW SHOW US YOUR TITS!"
There is one distinct advantage to being 123 years old. I was able to watch the evelotion of the Canadian stripping industry from a prime vantage point. Okay, it was grinding in my lap. You know I can't lie to you good folks.
Like most people in possession of a penis, I've held a life long love of naked ladies. I really, really can't say enough about them. My father kept our home well stocked with pornography, so, my education regarding the female form was somewhat more advanced than other children my age.
On the other hand, I grew up very uncouth, very stupid and very, very ugly. So, I couldn't do anything crazy like get laid on my own. And to think that my most effective pick-up line would consist of grabbing my own crotch so tight that my knuckles went white and grunting "me...like....FUCK!" Who knew?
But when I was about 15 or 16, I discovered the joys of Adult Entertainment Lounges. The mid-80's was a very different time in the Toronto peeler industry. There were two different kinds of strippers back then, local girls (who were maybe 30% of them) and the Quebec contingent (the remaining 70%.)
The Quebec contingent wasn't what you would ordinarily consider when one thinks of Quebec. Most people, including most Canadians, think the Quebec consists of Montreal and Quebec City and the rest of it is frozen, Artic tundra. The Quebec contingent were entirely from the frozen, Artic tundra. Strippers from Montreal and Quebec City were all making handsome livings in Montreal.
I'm sure that everyone is familiar with the story of Celine Dion, who grew up outside Montreal in a one room shack with about 36 brothers and sisters. Well, I heard the same story repeatedly from strippers between 1985 and 1989. Except the 36 brothers and sisters were all in the adult entertainment industry, too. It was eerie.
 And by 1990 they had all disappeared. You would be hard pressed to find a stripper from Quebec at all. And it happened litterally overnight. Don't get me wrong, the girls still had funny accents. But they were a different kind of funny. It took some thinking and a few conversations to figure it out, but it became apparent that the fall of the Berlin Wall completely decimated the Franco-Canadian stripper industry. The girls from Trois-Riveres were immediately replaced by girls from Prague and Bucharest. It was an early form of reverse outsourcing. Still fun, mind you. The East Europeans spoke better English than the Quebecois did, and they, shall we say.....appreciated freedom more. Of course, this lead to an interesting dilemma for the Canadian government. We had to have a fresh supply of strippers with unpronouncable names, but chose the name "Destiny." But Canada also has a famously easy immigration system to abuse. I've been listening to Americans scream for years now about how the 9/11 highjackers got into the United States and took flying lessons unmolested. Had they have come to Canada instead, my government would have paid for their aviation education. So, the question remains, how do you regulate foreign strippers in what has become the Hamptons for Hamas? Really simply. Take naked pictures of them before letting them in the country. IMMIGRATION OFFICERS are having to pore through naked pictures of hundreds of exotic dancers to keep impostors out of Canada. Foreign strippers planning to table dance in clubs here must now provide photos of themselves with no clothes on to qualify for a visa for Canada, immigration officials say.  And who said a civil service career was hard? The potential dancers have to prove they can dance in the nude, immigration lawyer Mendel Green said yesterday. Yeah! We don't want these broads collecting welfare fully dressed when they could be making a fortune naked. Our welfare system is strained enough by al-Qaeda sleeper cells. "They can't be partially nude," he said. "If they don't have pictures in the nude, they are not going to wiggle their bottoms in Canada." Jesus, I gotta get a job at Immigration and Citizenship Canada. Immigration lawyer Richard Kurland said the women have to show nude pictures to ensure they're not abusing the system.
When it comes to Russia, the visa officers are looking for "headline performers" who can be paid up to $5,000 weekly and are often featured in ads of which they are expected to have copies.
 Ummmm. I have a question at this point. Are Canadian bureaucrats now expected to know premium pussy on top of everything else? Will they be required to take a class? If so, from who? Superfly? I'd kill to sit in on that meeting! "Sure, Bob" I imagine one immigration officer saying, "I'd pay her twenty to grind the knob for four minutes. But I don't know if I'd go the 'Stairway to Heaven' distence with her." "Good point, Jaques! Fuck it, let's deny her application. We'll let her work Kiev a few more years until she can spring for better knockers." And then the break out the stamp and a young girl's dream of freedom is quashed. What will be hilarious is when the ugly strippers challenge the system because it discriminates against pigs. That'll be fun. Mostly because I suspect they'll win. And you people wonder why I love government so much?
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: You Can Leave Your Hat On By: Randy Newman From: Sail AwayPermalink Labels: I Fought The Law, Life With skippy
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