 ON BABES IN THE WOODS: MIMI MIYAGI AND THE PARLIAMENT OF WHORES - A GIRLS OF PORN SPECIAL REPORT
It's days like these when I thank God for Ronald Reagan. He was a very brave man in running for governor of California back in 1966. Although popular with the conservative movement of the day, Reagan had never held elective office prior to that first campaign. His lack of political experience and acting career made him the object of ridicule for the media and the incumbent, Edmund "Pat" Brown, Sr. Brown was considered to be something of a giant-killer in the Demoratic Party, having horse-whipped the former vice-president of the United States, Richard M. Nixon in the 1962 election. It was Brown who forced Nixon into making his famous "You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore" statement, so humiliating was his loss. It was generally assumed that Brown would hand Reagan an even more devestating ass-kicking. That was not to be. Reagan trounced Brown and shocked the world. He won 64 of California's 66 counties - some by massive margins of 10 points or more. The Reagan revolution opened the door for other celebreties to serve. The current governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, folowed Reagan's playbook perfectly. Wrestling superstar Jesse Ventura was elected gatekeeper of hell governor of Minnesota. Jesus, even Gopher from The Love Boat was exiled elected to Congress from Iowa for a time. If a movie star can become the Leader of the Free World, it naturally follows that a porno star should become the next governor of Nevada. Ladies and gentleman, it's time. 
And that is why I'm supporting Mimi Miyangi's campaign to be that governor. She is uniquely qualified to serve. Think it through, how many of you have masturbated watching Hellcats of the Navy? Well, if you weren't thoroughly covered in your own goo by the end of a Mimi Miyagi feature, then Mimi Miyagi just didn't do her job properly. And she was very, very good at her job. So that means that there's just something very wrong with you. Specifically, it means that you hate Freedom. Really, you're no better than bin Laden. Few know the American Dream like Mimi Miyagi. Born Melody Damayo in Davao City in the Phillipines, she moved to Los Angeles at 17, bringing nothing with her but a thousand dollars and a dream. Governor Schwarzenegger's dream was to become abnormally large, fabulously wealthy and grope a lot of women who work for him. Melody's dream was to get fucked in the ass and eat pussy on film. Shortly after assuming her stage name, Melody Damayo became one of the world's most celebrated cocksuckers. If that's not America, I don't know what is. Mimi Miyagi is what Horatio Alger's stories would be if those stories involved double penetration and facial cumshots. Furthermore, you can tell just how patriotic an American is by the size of the flag in their bedroom. Some girls will tell you that "size doesn't matter" or that "the big ones are uncomfortable." Whenever you hear that, you should immediately draw the conclusion that they have a small flag. Or no flag at all. This makes Mimi Miyagi a Great American, certainly a greater American than John Kerry, who most likely has no flag at all on his bedroom wall. And that's why John Kerry isn't president today. The lack of a giant flag in your bedroom can be excused if you have a giant set of fake tits. Mimi Miyagi has both. This makes her the Greatest American Ever! Few in the political class are as well aquainted with the struggle of the common man as is Mimi. She knows the sting of racism in America. In her early days of porno-sluttery, she found it hard to find work in her chosen profession solely because of her race. Because Asians are such a rarity in hardcore pornography, she was forced to disguise her ethnicity just to survive. This is how Melody, a Filipino, ended up starring in such ... ethnically diverse films as Seoul Train, Busty Bangkok Bangers, and China Vagina, despite not being Korean, Thai or Chinese. Indeed, she was forced to say that she was Japanese when she assumed the name "Mimi Miyagi." And I think we all know just how popular the Japanese are with Filipinos. 
No one knows the meaning of "no pain, no gain" quite like Mimi. Indeed, to succeed, she increased her bust from a 32B to a 36DD. There is no pain quite like that. My doctor wouldn't let me go bigger than a C cup, because it would only make my cock look small. Okay, smaller. Shut the fuck up. You know how I hate jokes about my tiny pecker! Thank God my doctor had a firmer grasp on reality than I did. He was right and I was wrong. I'm not ashamed to admit that anymore. I can't thank him enough. But no one is less willing to let a little discomfort stand in the way of a dream like Miss Myagi. Plus, the boob-job really works with the "Jackie Kennedy in Dallas" outfit. Melody rocks the pill-box hat like no other. That's the kind of suit that would make me proud to be the man who gets the top of his head blown of in the back of a car beside her. Inded, more people would respect First Ladies if they showed some cosmetically-enhanced clevage. And yes, Betty Ford, I am talking to you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do myself whilst thinking of a four-way with Mimi, Betty Ford and the corpse of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. And yes, my finger will be up my ass, if you absolutely must know. (A very, very long pause ensues.....) Okay, I'm back. Unlike, most Republicans, Mimi is actually willing to fight for the children, privacy rights and for Freedom itself! "I am a mother of a first-grader --she's going on second grade --so a lot of my issues are based on what I see for her future, what I want her to be raised in," Damayo says, explaining her emphasis on strengthening education, reducing gang violence and improving police response time for crime victims. She also supports the industry that brought her success, campaigning for an end to taxes on brothels (as a Republican she's in favor of lower taxes in general), allowing strip clubs to be built inside hotel-casinos and abolishing the requirement that exotic dancers possess business licenses to work in Las Vegas. "A lot of college students or people that want to keep their dancing life private, it's bringing it out into the open," she says, "because now you can basically research a person's name on a database, and it pops up that they are a dancer."
Anyone who has ever been with a nervous stripper knows just how much it sucks. You might as well just set your money on fire and shove it up your ass. But not for long, because Melody Damayo is looking out for you!
If it seems odd for a porn star who supports the rights of exotic dancers and prostitutes to run as a Republican, Damayo insists that she supports the party, citing its history going back to Abraham Lincoln and the freeing of the slaves, as well as the Republican regard for individual rights. "I've been embraced greatly by the Clark County Republican Party," she says. "She is a legally viable candidate," says Clark County Republican Party chairman John Hambrick. "I think she's a very shrewd and competent businesswoman." Before her candidacy, Damayo volunteered heavily in the 2004 campaign; she's also treasurer of the local Asian Republican Party. "I'm not the typical ideological Republican," she adds. She sure isn't. Unless, of course, you ask one of the candidates in the Democratic primary. She's also not the only gubernatorial candidate with a background in the adult industry. Leola McConnell, who's running as a Democrat, is better known to some as "Mistress Lee," a dominatrix (or "domina," as she prefers to be called) who gained some notoriety when she claimed to have spent time with prominent Republican William Bennett. She also recently issued a press release alleging that she personally witnessed George W. Bush perform a "homosexual act" in 1984. 
To be fair, the President of the United States was drinking quite a bit in 1984, so he might honestly have forgotten the whole "performing a homosexual act thing." And Bennett never knows where the money for that next bet is coming from. Besides, standing before your Mistress wearing nothing but a ball-gag and a cock-ring is an intensely private thing. If you don't understand that, you shouldn't be allowed to vote at all. Melody is also a strict constructionalist on the Second Amendment (click the link to see a hot girl with a gun bigger than she is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to jerk off again.) (Another long, long pause ensues) I am an avid supporter of bearing arms since 2001.... All right, I'm back again. Look, you can tell that Melody Damayo wants to service serve the people of Nevada. Few politicians will campaign their little hearts out - or work their little asses off - quite like Mimi Miyagi will to get your vote. Friday night's fundraiser was a never-before-seen mix of local Republican Party stalwarts, Damayo's adult industry pals and several bargoers just there for the regular karaoke at Barbeque Masters Tavern, on Sahara Avenue and Decatur Boulevard.
Damayo worked the room like a veteran politician, handing out campaign stickers. She also offered lap dances with a wide, pink-lipsticked smile.
What do you want to bet that John McCain or Hillary Clinton will never offer to grind your crotch with their rock-hard asses? That means neither of them really want your vote because they really don't understand your needs. Also, they likely hate Freedom. Melody Damayo does understand your needs. In fact, she probably understands them a whole lot better than your wife or your fucking girlfriend the Democrats do. Indeed, she understands them so well that the Internet's most famous butt-slut has endorsed Mimi Miyagi for Nevada governor. For all of the reasons cited above, I join Wonkette in endorsing Melody Damayo for the Republican Paty's nomination for governor of Nevada. She understands the issues. She cares about the children. She wants to end the negative kind of gang-banging and encourage the positive kind. She supports privacy rights and the Second Amendment. She also had has great fake cans and likes it in the dumper. How many governors can you say that about? Mitt Romney? I think not! If you're a registered Nevada Republican, I implore you to to vote for Melody Damayo in the August 15th primary. If you're neither a Nevadan or a Republican, you should move there and change your registration. Immediately. Come on, aren't you just a little jealous and just a little sick of Michigan having America's hottest governor? And if you're going to be a xenophobic, nativist, Know-Nothing motherfucker about voting for Mimi, you should know that Jennifer Granholm is a dirty, filthy Canadian. And not even a French-Canadian, which means she probably doesn't like facials. Or anal. How can upstanding American patriots like my readers tolerate that? Besides, she starred in China Vagina for Christ's sake! A vote against Melody Damayo is a vote against China Vagina! And I know that you good people are better than that. So won't you please help Mimi Miyagi Help Nevada? Editor's note: All of the photos in this post were ruthlessly stolen from Mimi's Friendster site. You can view her campaign site, donate to her campaign and apply to be Nevada's First Man here. I suggest that you give until it hurts. God knows that Mimi has. As her site was vetted by the Nevada Republican Party, it is indeed Safe for Work - just a little embarrassing if your boss catches you. Especially if you don't live in Nevada. You can find Mimi Miyagi's blog here.
Special thanks to the Ace of Spades HQ, without whom I would never have learned of this magnificent campaign. Ace hasn't endorsed Mimi yet. Maybe he's neutral, maybe he's a little "funny." Who knows? He does live in Boston, after all... Also, if anyone from Mimi's campaign is reading this, you could really use a good speechwriter. Luckily, I'm the Ted Sorenson of porno poontang and I work cheap. Just how cheap should be left for Melody and I to discuss - in private. I like to negotiate naked personally with potential clients. I can't write for someone unless I have my tongue in their ass have an intimate intellectual bond with them. As you know, this can take some time alone with the client. In any event, I just got your girl three - maybe four - votes that would"ve otherwise gone to the Domantrix. And that should count for something. As a Canadian, I probably won't be the best candidate for First Man, but I'd be a hell of a Royal Consort. Or male Lewinsky. Hey, what happens in Clark County stays in Clark County, right? 
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Campaigner By: Neil Young From: Decade Permalink
Labels: Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex, The Girls of Porn
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