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Thursday, June 01, 2006
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 HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
It seems that in everybody's life, one faces a moment of trial, a moment bigger than oneself. There are times when events overtake the means of a person to control them. I usually drink when this happens, but others turn to different means of coping.
Now, I'm not a big believer in what some call a higher power, mostly because it didn't work out all that well for Scott Stapp, but the vast majority of the populace is. Most folks just can't get enough of their God.
Just as there are the Big Three automakers, there are the Big Three religions, Judiasm, Christianity and Islam. In North America, Christanity is the hands-down favorite. For whatever reason, the overwhelming majority of us fervently believe that Jesus Christ is the dead guy most likely to be the King of Kings. My choice, Elvis Presley, comes in a distant second.
I'm not entirely sure why, but the further south you go, the more popular Jesus becomes. Where the great and good Joan lives, there are no taverns, but 27 churches. Further south, in the Philipines, people actually crucify themselves each and every Easter. I think that if devotion were an Olympic event, the Filipinos would be tough to beat. Yes, there are sects of Muslims who will engage in self-flagellation, but crucifiction takes a special dedication - to say nothing of powerful thighs.
Being as popular as Jesus is means that the Lord is a very busy man. All of those prayers don't just answer themselves, you know. Just think of how long it takes to grant the wishes of the NBA, NFL and sundry Soul Train Award nominees. While they obviously take priority (because, like the rest of us, He likes getting name-checked at awards shows), they constute just a small percentage of people who turn to the Lamb with their dopey problems.
I sometimes think that if Jesus is anything like me - and I happen to think that He's a lot like me - He must get pretty frustrated sometimes. Just because He made all of Kevin Federline's dreams come true doesn't mean that He's everybody's personal genie, now does it? But that dosn't stop most people from confusing the Son of Man with Barbara Eden.
I've always suspected that brings out the dark side in Him. It just so happens that I was right.
Worried about the safety of her family during a stormy Memorial Day trip to the beach, Clara Jean Brown stood in her kitchen and prayed for their safe return as a strong thunderstorm rumbled through Baldwin County, Alabama.
But while she prayed, lightning suddenly exploded, blowing through the linoleum and leaving a blackened area on the concrete. Brown wound up on the floor, dazed and disoriented by the blast but otherwise uninjured.
She said 'Amen' and the room was engulfed in a huge ball of fire. The 65-year-old Brown said she is blessed to be alive.
Firefighters said its likely she was hit by a bolt of lightning that apparently struck outside and traveled into the house yesterday afternoon. She was found lying on the floor by her 14-year-old granddaughter.
Fire officials think the lightning likely struck across the street from the couple's home and traveled into the house through a water line. The lightning continued into the couple's backyard and ripped open a small trench.
A family member said he will no longer assume it is safe to be indoors during a lightning strike.
I think that firefighters are entirely too caught up in their petty science to know what time it really is. Sure, you can pontificate on the conductivity of a water main all you want to explain these things, but I don't think any of us can deny that we've all just seen what happens When Jesus Attacks!
I suppose that you can argue that this was just a coincidence, but that would just make you a heathen and a fool besides. The timing is just too perfect. You don't just get engulfed by a fireball the second the word "Amen" escapes your lips, now do you? I don't think that it could be any clearer that Jesus has finally had enough of your shit! He's an ecclesiastic Howard Beale, mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.
I'm pretty sure that He's has given up on all of that "keeping a list and checking it twice" nonsense, and is ready to cut loose and kick a little ass.
Of course, I could be wrong. There's always that possibility that this incident could be specific to Clara Jean Brown. It might well be the case that Mrs. Brown has been a pain in His ass for years with her silly pleas of "please don't kill my family." That has to get tiring after a while and this might just have been His way of saying that He's just not that into her.
We may never know. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Jesus Gonna Be Here By: Tom Waits From: Bone Machine
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