 NEW MODEL #15: THE UNQUIET LOVE LIFE OF MARILYN MANSON, ESQUIRE
I was 33 years old before I came to truly understand that I would never have a good life or be a truly cool mama-jamma like Iceberg Slim. For years and years, I thought I was just a late bloomer. It was only in 2003 that I learned that a loser I was, I loser I am, and a loser I shall always be. No one will ever bestow upon me a neato nickname like Iceberg Slim. Maybe this has something to do with my use of words like "shall" and "neato," who am I to say?
It's a pretty embarassing story, so I figured that I'd share it with the world. Yeah, I can't understand why I'm like this, either. All I can say is that telling these stories is the only thing even aproaching joy in my life.
I had read for years about the glories of Mr. Slim's semi-fictionalized memoir, Pimp:The Story Of My Life. The trouble was that it was a horrendous pain in the ass to find in a bookstore, particularly if you happen to be cursed enough to be Canadian. But then I located a copy on Al Gore's fabled Internet and I was soon rhapsodizing far and wide about the glories of that tome. All of the answers to the great mysteries of life are in that book. One cannot help but become a ladies man once one has read it.
So it stands to reason that I don't have my copy anymore. Wanna know why? I loaned it to a bitch and she never gave it back.
Dig if you will a picture of a man standing 6'1" with a shaved head lending a book called Pimp to a girl that couldn't be more than 5'4," and the first thought going through her head being "If this motherfucker thinks he's gettin' this shit back, he's in a big surprise," and you know pretty much everything about me that you need to. A book that is a literal step-by-step manual of how to tame a bitch was stolen from me by same. That, my friends, is what it sounds like when doves cry.
If you can read a paragraph like that and not agree that I'm utterly doomed, then you all might be dumber than I thought.
As it happens, Marilyn Manson might have even worse luck than I do, albeit in a decidedly more fun way.
 Just after Christmas, the artist formerly known as Brian Hugh Warner was served with divorce papers by fetish model, burlesque artist and big-titted, gorgeous native of Oakland County, Michigan, Dita Von Teese.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that I've had some experience with big-titted, gorgeous natives of Oakland County, Michigan, and I found it to be something best avoided. Let's just say that I did it so you don't have to and leave it at that, okay?
But Ms. Teese is different. Much, much different. For the love of Christ, just look her! Judging solely by her looks (which we all know is all that really matters,) Dita Von Teese could be four times the satanic whore my ex is, and I'd still forgive her anything. Add on top of that her willingness to sit on top of a toliet covered in a milky, sticky white liquid for your dining and dancing pleasure and you have what may very well be the perfect girl! You wouldn't throw an iPod in a dumpster just because Hitler gave it to you, would you? Me either.
If I were Marilyn, I'd be gouging my own eyes out as she walked out the door. How has he reacted? Let's see....
Sources tell Page Six Von Teese became tired of Manson's increased alcohol abuse and his unwillingness to communicate
"He's not been responsive," a source tells the paper. "She loved him so much, but he has too many demons. He can't even communicate with her at this point. She tried to tell him she was divorcing him, but she can't even get him on the phone. She moved out of the house and he hasn't even noticed."
 He "hasnt even noticed?" I can only conclude from this one of two things;
1. Brian Warner is a fairy, which is evidenced further by his passion for humping the heads of security guards. Now, I've been in and out of the security business for twelve fucking years. I can tell you that we're not an overly sexy lot.
2.Brian Warner might be an idiot who got really lucky and isn't even bright enough to realize it, as is evidenced by his entire career.
There are some things in life that even a mongloid can understand. One of them is that an ass like that is proof of a Higher Power. I'm no student of Wagner, but I'm pretty sure that The Ring Cycle was inspired by that sort of posterior. And that fucker is 15 hours long and took 26 years to write! This is the kind of passion that an ass like this can and should inspire. Unless of course you're a fag, and even then I'm not entirely convinced that you shouldn't fall in love with it anyway.
But to see a dumper like that head for the door framed as it must've been by all of its worldly possessions, likely for the last time? How do you not notice that? Especially when you look like this and magically - in a feat that astounded even Copperfield - happened to end up with this. (Second link NSFW)
I'd devote the rest of my life to keeping someone like her around. And I'm pretty sure you would, too. Always remember, I'm the ugliest guy in the world who isn't Marilyn Manson. Despite how "massively endowed" Jenna Jameson says you are, you don't easily land someone like Dita Von Teese. She's the Moby Dick to Manson's Ahab. Call me Ishmael.
Look, I understand being a drunk much better than I probably should. I've been known to drink my share. Your's too. But I would never let my love of amber fluids get in the way of a holding onto a world class pece of ass like Dita Von Teese. I drink to escape the pain of being me and I really can't see putting my cock into that as being all that uncomfortable. If only Joan would marry me, I'd probably never drink again.  The thing is, this isn't the first time this has happened. This is pretty much a re-run of his relationship with his former fiance, Rose McGowan. I know more than a little about fucking up a perfectly good relationship. Well, young Marilyn has done it at least twice now. And with such specimens of female perfection as Rose McGowan and Dita Von Teese. And I can tell you that I have yet to ruin a relationship beause I'm a drunk. I've ruined them because I'm an asshole. And there's an enormous difference.
Seriously, if you can find a woman willing to wear a dress like the one on the right in public for you, you do whatever it takes to keep her. I always thought that was one of the laws of physics or something. I'm actually beginning to think that Marilyn doesn't believe in gravity, either.
Like Mr. Manson, I'm a great enthusiast of brunettes with giant tits and damned near perfect faces. The difference is that he gets them and I don't. This despite the fact that he might be the only man on Earth uglier than me. I'm possessed of a truly monsterous visage, the stuff nightmares are made of. I've known this since I was in the fucking womb and have lamented that sad fact ever since. And I'm a goddamned Adonis compared to Marilyn Manson.
Also, my career is doing slightly better than his at this point. About as many people read this blog on a daily basis as bought Manson's last album. And my sitemeter will tell you that this is hardly an impressive statistic. While I suck, he sucks worse. Who would have thought such a thing was even possible.
 I have a fairly sizable female audience. Some very hot young ladies read this blog. I invite them to look at Marilyn Manson very closely. Keep in mind that I actually looked for a flattering picture of him and this is the best I could do.
Now ladies, if this is the man of your dreams, I don't understand you as well as I thought I did. In fact, you may not even be human at all. You certainly don't have the same warm blood running through your veins that I do. You're much more serpent-like that I gave you credit for.
Yet the hottest of you, and Rose McGowan and Dita Von Teese are among the beautiful women alive, don't think twice about fucking this troll. Christ, one married him and the other one almost did. The fact that they both left him indicates that they hadn't completely lost their minds. But they did, at one point, say "Gee, I think I'd really like a peice of that!"
And these are both reasonably successful, wealthy women. It's not like they were hungry for his cash, which would be the case for most women.
On the other hand, McGowan was raised in a cult, so that might explain the attraction to a minister in the Church of Satan. Von Teese is a famous fetish model, and no matter what else you say about Manson, fucking him must the ultimate fetish. Wow, look how smart I am! I just rationalized a monster like Brian Warner getting two of the greatest cock pockets in the world! Go me!
At this point, I'll bet you're all sitting in your homes or offices saying "Hey, I wonder how Lindsay Lohan fits into this narrative?"
Glad you asked.
It has become seemingly impossible for there to be a story in the news involving substance abuse and spectacular poontang that doesn't have Lindasy Lohan's name in it somewhere, and this story is no different.
Dita Von Teese allegedly split from husband Marilyn Manson because she was sick of his constant partying and friendship with Lindsay Lohan. The burlesque dancer filed for divorce from the goth rocker last Friday citing "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split.
Now it has been revealed that Dita, who moved out of the couple's house before Christmas, decided to walk away from the marriage after growing tired of Manson's late night parties and refusal to settle down and start a family.
A source close to Dita told The Sun newspaper: "She just had enough of his wild partying. Lindsay Lohan was ringing up the house wanting to come round and party with him. The phone would go all through the night, with people constantly turning up to hang out. Dita wants a quieter life and to have a baby. She told Manson to sort himself out or she was leaving. Unfortunately, nothing changed and he didn't clean up his act." I've written about La Lohan at some length before. I've never seen one of her films, but I have seen her ham purse. Granted, it isn't the ideal cunt, but if it' s good enough for the western United States and parts of Canada, it's good enough for me!
 There have been whisperings about Lindsay's all-consuming love of cocaine for several years now. Granted, those have been stage whispers, meant to be heard by an auditorium full of spectators. And her inability to go to fucking working work in the morning certainly hasn't done much to dispel these rumors.
The article I'm quoting doesn't come right out and say Manson's fucking Lohan, but there is a Great Trurth available to all who wish to know it about the coke sluts of the world. They will fuck anyone who has lots and lots of cocaine. Maybe they can negotiate their way down to a skull-fuck, but that only works of they're really demure. And I understand that that young Brian has a great fondness for Peru's greatest export ever. Also, he is The God Of Fuck. You do the math.
Did I mention that I also have a black-belt in big-titted redheads with substance abuse problems? For my entire life I mocked the concept of reincarnation and belittled those who believe in it. Not only did it seem silly, the concept - if true - would deny me the one thing I long for most of all, to be dead and to fucking stay that way. I've been denied enough things in my life, can't I at least have that? But as I was writing this, certain things jumped out at me and made me remember another, more innocent time. Big tits. Oakland County, Michigan. Big tits. Redheads. Big tits. Substance abuse problems. It all seems so ... familiar to me somehow. I think I might have lived Marilyn Manson's love live before he did. I might have to reconsider everything I've ever believed until now. As has been the case for three and a half years, I'll let you know what I find out. Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: New Model #15 By: Marilyn Manson From: Mechanical Animals Permalink
Labels: Celebrity Skin, I Hate Music, I'm Through With Love
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