Saturday, March 25, 2006
You know, people like me used to have an idealized vision of Texas as a libertarian-leaning home of freedom and self-reliance. A place where crazy people were allowed to have guns and take them any damn place they wanted that wasn't church. Texas was supposed to be a place where a man is never too drunk to fuck and never too fucked to keep on drinking. And the fact that everything is allegedly bigger there gave me and my pathetic cock some hope.
Instead, in this Craven Age Bush, Texas has turned out to be a land of housewives, sissies and little girls. It is something akin to the set of Brokeback Mountain without the quiet dignity seen in the Corpus Christi chapter of NAMBLA. So busy were they looking for the black helicopters of the federal government that they have seemingly failed to notice that their own state government has outlawed fun when they weren't looking.
My friend, the Great Dr. Reverend, once went to Texas and returned with stories of its glory. I was told that Texas was the ideal place for people like me, those who would like nothing better than to wile away their days getting stewed and playing with firearms and high explosives. Not only did the state of Texas allow such fucking about, they actually encouraged it, knowing that the only thing more fun than the responsible use of alcohol, firearms and explosives is the irresponsible use of same. After all, your average Texan knows that abortion clinics don't blow themselves up and that you have to be pretty hammered before doing any of the dumber things that the Bible suggests.
Well, no more!
The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission sent a message to bar patrons last week.
TABC agents and Irving police swept through 36 Irving bars and arrested about 30 people on charges of public intoxication. Agency representatives say the move came as a proactive measure to curtail drunken driving.
North Texans interviewed by NBC 5, however, worried that the sweep went too far.
At one location, for example, agents and police arrested patrons of a hotel bar. Some of the suspects said they were registered at the hotel and had no intention of driving. Arresting authorities said the patrons were a danger to themselves and others.
What the fuck? I mean, what the fucking fuck?
Look, I can see how cracking down on drunk driving might be desirable. After all, your good time wrapping someone else around a tree is simply bad manners. But this is going entirely too far. The idea that a drunk might drive and should therefore be arrested is like rounding up every gun owner in the state because they might shoot somebody in the fucking head. And Texas was founded on the principle of shooting people in the fucking head. Somehow, i don't see rounding up gun owners as being particularly popular in the Lone Star State. By the way, wasn't a certain vice-president of the United States involved in a shooting where alcohol may or may not have been involved? And doesn't that vice-president have a history of drunk driving arrests? I wish I was able to find a media report on that. I know what you're thinking, "fuckin' Mondale!"
The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, in their public statements are seemingly determined to demonstrate their complete ignorance of how life really works.
"Going to a bar is not an opportunity to go get drunk," TABC Capt. David Alexander said. "It's to have a good time but not to get drunk."
Actually, that's precisely the point of going to a bar! That and getting a drunk chick to fuck you because she likes your blog, only to decide later that it was a bad idea because you're every bit the swine you say you are on said blog. But that's another story for another day.
Going to bar to stay sober is like working in a whorehouse to remain a virgin. Anyone who doesn't understand that shouldn't be allowed in public without their parents. As a matter of fact, I like that idea, the once great state of Texas is officially grounded until they learn the utility of grain alcohol.
As I may have mentioned before, I drink. I drink both my share and yours. That's the only way I can tolerate being me for any longer than 36 seconds, let alone 36 fucking years. And I'm sure that there are at least a dozen Texans just like me. What about them? If they can't get all fucked up, what are they supposed to do, join a militia?
This story is so wrong on so many different levels that I can barely count them all. And that's why, when I finally engage in my beautiful copulation with DeAnna, it'll be in Toronto, where I can get good and fucked up like a grown-up.
So, until further notice, fuck Texas!