 LINDSAY LOHAN IS THE GREATEST AMERICAN EVER!
Pretty much since the founding of the republic, most Americans have been obsessed who the greatest of them all might be. It's a national obsession, and pretty goddamn narcissitic one at that. Even though England is populated almost entirely by douchebags and is hated by pretty much everybody for building the world's greatest navy as they ignored even more fundamental things like dentistry and food preparation, they still gave us Keith Richards and America hasn't. It almost makes you want to stop laughing at a country still run by the fucking Spice Girls. Almost.
If nothing else, you can plausibly argue that the Spice Girls weren't elected and George W. Bush was. Twice. Okay, once-and-a-half. I'm getting way too old to quibble about these things, so let's split the difference.
Americans run polls and debate the nonsensical question almost constantly. Just last winter, The Atlantic Monthly devoted damn near an entire issue to the question. The whole exercise is beyond silly, if you ask me, but I'm not American, so I guess my opinion doesn't matter. Shit, I thought everybody knew that G.G Allin is the Greatest American of Ever!
But some folks think that George Washington is the greatest American. All he did was father a country. That sounds impressive until you consider how many new countries have bounded out of nowhere since 1989. If you don't know, the precise number is "shitloads." Founding an independent republic is apparently so easy that even a playwright can do it. Playwrights generally don't make enough money to pay taxes, so if they can father a country, pretty much anyone can.
Basically, what I'm saying is fuck Washington, his wooden teeth and inability to tell a lie.
Another notable personage everyone looks to is Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln freed the slaves after all. Any biography of the sixteenth president says it right there in the first paragraph, "Lincoln freed the slaves." Most folks don't know much else about him but they do know that. This is because no one has read anything more than the first paragraph of a book since 1978.
All of his overlooks the fact that freeing the slaves was probably a whole lot easier than keeping them would have been in the long run. All you need to do is look at birth rates. Black birthrates have increased steadily as white birthrates have steadily declined. And that's been true for a century now. And there are three times as many guns in the United States than there are people. Even if only one slave in ten got his hands on a piece, slavery was ending eventually. Trust me on that.
And if the slaves weren't liberated by Lincoln, or liberated by revolution, the invention of the suburbs would have fixed that particular historical blight. White flight solves pretty much every social problem. Just look at Zimbabwe if you doubt me. Whitey got the fuck out of Dodge and everything couldn't be more peachy.
Here's a funny thing that you learn from history; people don't much like being slaves. Inevititably, they tire of it and lift themselves out of bondage. And they grow really shitty attitudes in the process.
The Jews were Egypt's slaves for several hundred years. Where do you think the pyramids came from? Then Moses took them on a really long march to freedom and guess what? The Jews haven't stopped kicking Arab ass since. And they have nuclear weapons. How would like to see Ike Turner with an ICBM? How about Mike Tyson with MIRV capability? All of a sudden North Korea doesn't seem so scary, now does it?
While Lincoln took heroic action, it was a necessary action. So fuck him, too!
And FDR? I refuse take anyone who couldn't kickbox seriously.
By the way, there's one thing that all three of those men have in common. They're fucking dead! Also, why can't the Greatest American Ever have great knockers?
Since useless theoretical nonsense appeals to me in a really big way, I've spent years wondering who the greatest American ever was. As a Canadian, I'm sadly disqualified, despite my proven track record in carnally gratifying their women. Besides, nominating myself would be gauche. I'm also lacking the milkbags for the gig. I have gorgeous nipples, but that's far from enough. Curse the heavens, why can't my man-nips ever be enough?
For that reason, I'm also disqualifying women that I personally know and am currently trying to get into the pants of. Sorry De, Joan, Mary, Princess Cat, Annika, Zombie and the Big Hominid. It just wouldn't be fair. I'm sure you all understand. Not that I'm badmouthing your cans, girls. I love all fourteen of them. Each and every one.
That left me right where I began. I couldn't figure out who to name the Greatest American Ever. Then I found this story at What Would Tyler Durden Do (who rated surprisingly high in the finals.)
 It was only after I read that story that I decided, once and forever, that Lindsay Lohan is The. Greatest. American. Ever. Once you hear me out, I'm sure you'll agree that there really was no contest.
If you remain unfamiliar with La Lohan - and there's no real excuse for a heterosexual man to be - you can refresh your memory with this little essay I wrote last year. Back then, I merely thought that Lindsay was the greatest role model a girl could have. That was before I knew the true lengths that she would go to in her valiant struggle against sobriety.
Even though I'm old enough to be her father, I can't tell you how much her bravery inspires me. And it isn't often that young people inspire me these days. Indeed, I think most folks under the age of 25 should be chained to a radiator in the parent's basement. Y'know, like I was. And I turned out just fine!
Let's review some of the truly important things that know about Lindsay already, shall we?
- She has a pretty cute face.
- She has an awe-inspiringly beautiful set of jugs.
- If she isn't truly bi-sexual, she's fucking well close enough for me.
- It is difficult to find a private photograph of her where she isn't smoking. Smoking cigarettes makes you a better person. It's in the Bible.
- She enjoys getting fucked up on various pills, powders and sundry amber liquids.
- She likes to play with knives.
- She likes to play with knives in the company of other hot chicks in blatantly homoerotic ways, presumably when fucked up on various pills, powders and sundry amber liquids.
- She's completely shaved. Just like all women should be.
- It's a reasonable assumption that she'll fuck someone even as ugly as I am, which might qualify her for sainthood if she's Catholic - which she probably isn't, and that makes her even better.
- Did I mention that she has an awe-inspiringly beautiful set of jugs?
 There have long been whispers about La Lohan's substance abuse for years now, something admirable from someone not yet 21 years of age. And when I say "whispers," I really mean "shouts from the rooftop."
These include, but are not limited to;
The friend added: "Lindsay does not care who sees her do coke and where she does it."
And she has not managed to stay off the booze either. "She carries round a water bottle to try to fool everyone into thinking she is clean but she tips the water out and refills it with vodka and soda."
And? Shit, I do that just to get through a day at work. You try dealing with condominium assholes all fucking day. Now try doing it sober.
Her friend said: "That night I saw her do more than 20 big lines of cocaine.
"She was still up doing drugs at 11am even though she had started about 8pm
the night before.
Fifteen hours of cocaine snorting? Okay, that's pretty impressive. Slightly better than even Dr. Reverend and I did on our "birthday party." In our favor, we've been living like that before Lohan was even born. Working against us is the fact that our tits have gone to shit. But we're middle-aged men. Besides, most women carry on their conversations with me as they look at my crotch and lick their lips hungrily. My eyes are up here, ladies!
Furthermore, we did an entire 8 Ball in 11 hours as opposed to her 20 "big lines" in 15. We win!
"I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone including her bodyguard and driver. "  I'm pretty sure that I'd never lose count of something like that. On the other hand, I'm a lot more dilligent about such things than most folks.
"Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out."
I think the demented slut of a source in that story is trying to suggest that there isn't something to love about Lindsay Lohan checking herself out with her beautiful boobies bouncing about. If that isn't sacrilige, you'll need to better define the term for me. If you can blame Lindsay for anything in the preceeding three paragraphs , then you were simply born twisted and wrong. There will never be anything right or good about you.
"One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat."
On another occasion the pal recalls seeing Lindsay snorting cocaine off a bathroom floor. I ask you friends, is there anything sexier than that? I could be wrong, but I don't think there is. And in case you were wondering, there's no way that I'm wrong. None whatsoever. I have a team of stastisticians working on such things. What have you got?
Seriously, if you don't think a girl with a giant rack, a drug habit and an eating disorder is sexy, then you just don't know what sexy is. You probably don't know what love is, either. I don't know why most of you even bother coming here for my Glorious Tales of Romance anyway.
For the record, the eating disorder is especially important. There's no reason that I should be the only one in the relationship with funny smelling fingers. Fair is fair and I don't want anyone feeling left out. But that's me. I'm so very giving in a relationship.
I should warn you up front, the stories that I'm quoting below are from the British tabloid The News of the World. A cautious reader will automatically assume that everything that has ever been written in, on or about the United Kingdom is a blatant fucking lie until proven otherwise. Christ, most of the English media themselves can't get through a "news" story without breaking out into the same giggles everyone associates with Harvey Korman.
Having said that, there are some stories so truly fucking beautiful that you can't not believe them. Christians feel that way about the Bible. I happen to feel that way about Lindsay Lohan being the most outrageously stoned, sexually depraved, physically dangerous woman alive. Are the two different? Sure, but not very.
And I'm not trying to say that there are stories better than the birth, life, death and ressurrection of the Son Of Man but ...... okay, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Sorry Jesus, but this is now officially the Greatesty Story Ever Told! And like the Bible, it doesn't really matter if it's true or not. All that matters is that you believe!
Now I know that you might be the type who doesn't appreciate a magical tale of a Hollywood tart who can't be more than 5'4" but routinely scares the fuck out of her titanic minder with her psychotic shinanigans, but that just makes you some kind of atheist motherfucker. All you're doing is telling me that you don't know that Jesus can be all manner of magic! Now get the fuck away from my blog before you get me hit by lightning! While you're at it, keep Giuliani away from me, too!
As you all know, I'm a god-fearing man. My god just has much more fantabulous funbags than yours. A scarier temper, too.
The crazed world of cokehead Lindsay Lohan is blown wide open by the burly bodyguard who quit looking after her... because it was too DANGEROUS.
Lee Weaver has told of his two years of hell with the stroppy starlet as
the News of the World reveals yet more worrying pictures of Lindsay — this time
wasted in her squalid bedroom.
....
"I have looked after some of the wildest stars in Hollywood — but never anyone as out of control as Lindsay is," says Lee, 48.
"She had a total death wish and took more drugs and drank more than anyone I've met.
"I lost count of the times I thought she was overdosing and had to carry her out of parties. Every morning I'd breathe a sigh of relief she was still alive." Now, I don't know about any of you, but if I'm not carried out of a party by people breathing sighs of relief that I'm still alive, then I'm pretty sure that I didn't have a very good time. We each have our own ways of judging a night. That one just happens to be Lindsay's and mine. Oh, I'm also pretty sure I had fun if my nipples ache for three days afterward. Am I sharing too much? Okay, I was kidding about one thing in the last paragraph. No one has ever breathed a sigh of relief that I'm still alive. Not once.  If that isn't enough for you, La Lohan is also a motherfucking superhero! She's like a big-titted, bare-crotched Batman!
Then there are people like the goddamned, fucking police, who never tire of telling you how interested they are in "solving crimes" and "serving justice." But where are they when you get burned in a coke deal, huh? I'll tell you where they are. They're off hiding in a corner somewhere saying "Tsk-tsk, Lindsay. Cocaine is illegal. We're not going to be there for you. Oh, we'll be just around the corner when you crash your car, but this time you're on your own." The cops do that a LOT more than you'd think.
What's a girl - or anyone, for that matter - to do? When it becomes obvious that the Heat is on the side of the dealers, who's going to fight for you?
Lindsay Fucking Lohan is who! And she's not only unafraid, she slices like a fucking hammer!
But any weapon — even a gun — doesn't faze her if she's gagging for cocaine.
"In April she asked me to take her to her dealer in Beverly Hills. I knew if I
refused she'd go alone — so I took her.
"He was waiting for her in some
bushes. Suddenly she started screaming and punching him for selling her
short. "He pulled a gun. I got out and he threatened to shoot me unless I got her to
back off — but she kept hitting him. Luckily he got distracted and I punched him
down. "I dragged Lindsay into the car and drove off but she was screaming at me to
go back. It was like Pulp Fiction. I knew then she was just too dangerous to be
around."
Lots of celebrities pretend that they're Mad, Bad and Dangerous To Know, but those pricks usually have bodyguards to protect them from their coke dealers. Only Lohan has people on the payroll to protect her dealers from her! The next time you ask yourself "What Would Jesus Do," think of Lindsay Lohan. Then do something similiar. Trust me, it'll work out in the end.
 Best part of the story? Lohan is beating the crap out of the coke dealer, and who does the dealer pull the piece on? Lohan's bodyguard is who! Even semi-literate coke dealers know that Lindsay Lohan is a hard-nippled Hammer of Justice! There is no mercy to be found in that cold cleveage of righteousness.
But fighting crime is can be an exhausting thing if you don't know how to unwind.
Lee reveals how he often drove Lindsay to join her pal Nicole Richie, 24, for cocaine binges. "Nobody was as wild as Lindsay," he says. "But Nicole came close. Sometimes Paris Hilton would be there but the most I saw her do was drink and strip. If you don't believe in heaven, there's all the evidence you need that it exists. Imagine two girls in their twenties with drug problems and eating disorders getting naked. This is quickly becoming more than a Hard News story, this is The Da Vinci Code! A sexy, sexy Da Vinci Code, to be sure, but a modern classic nonetheless. A sexy, sexy classic.
Look, Popeye needed his spinach to vanquish Brutus and Lindsay needs her fuel, too!
"One night Lindsay and Nicole were making trip after trip to the bathroom — she wouldn't snort in front of me because she knew I'd get mad.
"But the more wasted they got the less she cared. In the end they carried in a mirror from the bedroom, laid it on the coffee table and emptied a mountain of coke onto it. They went at the stuff with straws, hoovering it all up then piling more on. "I tried to tell Lindsay to stop but she just told me it was cool. After ten hours I'd had enough and threatened to throw the mirror out of the window. I had to carry her out to the car." But that was no surprise — Lee had been carrying her home since first night he began working for her. His first job was to take her to a party in Beverly Hills. "She'd been snorting all night," he recalls. "As soon as they walked into the party she was snorting more. "She got on the coffee table and danced, flinging her dress above her head, her eyes rolling about all over the place. "I told the guy providing the drugs to stop and he just said, ‘No way, Lindsay will go berserk'. Then she started screaming at people and swinging her fists around at anyone near her. "At the start of the night she seemed such a fun-loving, angelic girl but under the influence of drugs she was psychotic. It was 10.30am the next day by the time I carried her to bed."  Rest, my sweet little heroine, rest. You have far greater adventures ahead of you. Sexy, sexy adventures.
After a long day of being a big-titted Charles Bronson, scaring drug dealers and getting fucked up with the not yet incarcerated cast member of The Simple Life, I can imagine that anyone would need to relax. As for myself, I relax in two ways; by doing even more hard drugs and eating pussy. Oftentimes, I do them simultaneaously, laying out lines on her bare pubis and snorting as I lick. It's its own reward, teenagers! And something sexy for the lady to look at, too! I'm so sensual.
And this is why I - and every modern gentleman - prefers his lady companions clean shaven. Can you think of something worse than losing 40 bucks worth of perfectly good meth in some broad's Seventies bush? No, I didn't think you could. And that's yet another example of why I do the hard thinking around here and you just read my insights. How many blogs do you think you'd find that particular pearl of wisdom on? I'm ever so clever.
And it just so happens that Lindsay kicks back exactly the same way I do! I knew we were kindered spirits!
And when she wasn't snorting coke, she was snogging GIRLS.
"She used boys for drugs and girls for thrills," says Lee. "I lost count of the women she took back to her hotel room from clubs.
"I even saw her try to grope Mariah Carey's bottom and boobs one night as they danced. One time I went to look for her in a club bathroom and found her in the corner French-kissing a girl." When she wasn't snogging them she was just as likely to attack them. Hating the British as I do, I'm not entirely sure what "snogging" is, but a little voice inside of my pants tells me that it involves trying to push as much of your skull into a woman's grindhouse as you possibly can. And while Mariah Carey might not be my first choice of a woman to do that to; if old, washed up, slutty and crazy are your thing, she's a far sight better than, say, Madonna.
That's another reason that Lindsay Lohan is the Greatest American Ever - her cool head and sound judgement.
One night, paranoid Lindsay went for blonde actress Jessica Simpson in a club. Lee says: "Jessica was sat with her pals and Lindsay became convinced she was shooting her dirty looks.
"She jumped over the table and dived at Jessica pulling her hair out. I had to pull her off her." I ask you, my worldwide audience, is there anything better than two big-titted nitwits losing themselves in some good, old-fashioned, orgistic public violence? Okay, that was a rhetorical question.
It's. So. Fucking. Hot. And it's another reason that the U.S Mint should reconsider its policy of only putting dead folks on money. All this yammering about putting President Reagan on the dime has gotta stop. What the fuck did Reagan do, anyhow? Did he attack Jessica Simpson in a way that made my naughty bits clench and throb? No. No he didn't. And don't give me any shit about Jessica only being a toddler when Reagan was president because that's no excuse.
Is there something else that makes La Lohan the Greatest Yankee of All? Why, yes. She represents the aspirations of young girls everywhere.
As Lindsay spiralled more and more out of control she started to self-harm, cutting her wrists with a knife.
"One night I looked at her hands and wrists and noticed they had bright red wounds all over them," says Lee.
"She tried to tell me she had fallen but when I looked her in the eyes and demanded to know the truth she just broke down.
"She told me, ‘I don't belong on this planet any more'. She said she cut herself because she did not think life was worth living. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think my crotch is going to explode. I'll be right back.
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There. That's better.  Much better.
Now I've never had sex with a cutter, but I should think that a better time is hard to find. Can you picture a girl who spends most of her free carving Linkin Park's logo into her stomach with a boning knife complaining that you're being "too rough" in bed? That's why if you're a woman who doesn't cut herself, you really should start. After all, isn't having a man who wants really violent sex almost all of the time everything you dreamed of as a little girl? Why of course it is!
Come to think of it, I've never been to a Rainbow Party either. Fuck, I guess life really does begin at forty. At least it better, or I have nothing left to live for.
Am I the only one who has noticed that no matter what topic I'm writing about lately, it ends up being about me? I can't be the only one who's noticed that, can I?
Which I suppose makes this as good a place as any to stop.
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Tomorrow Wendy By: Concrete Blonde
From: Bloodletting
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