LOVE: "WITH JELLY OR WITHOUT JELLY"
Warning: The content of this video may be NSFW. While there's no nudity involved, the topic discussed may not be one your boss wants you listening to on a shop computer.
If this video does not play on blogger, it can be found here
I've given this a lot of thought over the years and I've come to the conclusion that love is a lot like prison. Both are scary at first, but someone offers to take you under their wing and show you how things work. For the first couple of days, it doesn't seem as scary as you thought it would be and you start thinking that things will be just fine.
Then, as soon as you're comfortable, things change. All of a sudden you find yourself beaten, bloodied, raped, humiliated and turned out for cigarettes. It happens so quickly that you have no idea what the fuck has happened, how you got there, or if you'll ever get out alive. Or if you even want to get out alive.
Love, like prison, makes punks of us all. Some of us grow stronger and collect punks of our own and the rest of us continue to get punked out for eternity. But that doesn't change the fact that each and every one of starts out a punk. The only thing that separates us as people is how many packs of Lucky Strikes each of us is worth.
If there's one area where prison is preferable to love, it would be salad tossing. There isn't nearly enough of that in even the most committed relationships, but I'm told that little else actually happens in a penitentiary. I guess everything has to have at least one upside.
Never having been a homosexual or incarcerated, I haven't engaged in nearly as much salad tossing as I should have for a man of my age. Chances are that you haven't either. That's really a tragic thing because rimjobs really are the most special thing in the world. Some of the more softheaded of you will hold their wedding day or the birth of a child as their most cherished memory. Those people are soulless, passionless animals who are singularly lacking in imagination. I'm sure that we all know several people so dead inside that they are incapable of finding joy in anything but the most mundane and pedestrian parts of the human experience, fearful of taking what Lou Reed called "a walk on the wild side."
In all of my years, my clearest memories involve a woman's tongue in my ass or mine in hers. That's when you know that you're in love and have bonded in ways that ordinary people will never know. I refer to it as being "connected at the soul," but you might have another name for it. I'm certain that when I've finally had it with all of you and have the good sense to finally die, the series of salad tossings - both given and received - will flash before my eyes before I enter my final peace.
I can't speak for everyone, but I'm only convinced that a woman loves me when she's tossing my salad. If nothing else, it's an act that says that she thinks highly of you. Indeed, the first time I wanted to get married was during a rimjob. It is a powerful, powerful thing indeed. Certainly more powerful than something trivial like having children together. Anybody can do that, but very few women will allow themselves the freedom of tossing my salad. They will not, as Funkadelic commanded, free their minds so that their asses might follow.
 If only I were as articulate as the gentleman in the video that begins this humble essay, I could explain it better. Alas, he is a poet and I am not. His soul sings with an inner music that mine is incapable of. His words dance a ballet while I am a but a cripple before him, my deadened expression trapped within broken feet and legs. Oh, but to watch those words dance. That, my friends, is the thing.
This imprisoned poet knows something about his audience that they don't even know about themselves. Like most great pedagogues , he patiently explains the salad tossing phenomenon and then details the condiments involved. "With jelly or without jelly - some people use syrup."
But he knows that perhaps he isn't giving us the full benefit of his experience, so he expresses his preference for jelly. Knowing this is like someone who appreciates music learning what kind of horn Miles Davis played and how it improved his technique. Miles expressed himself with a horn and our hero in the video uses jelly and his rectum. Only an effete snob would suggest that there's a meaningful difference, and such people aren't readers of Enjoy Every Sandwich.
I'm something of a minimalist. I leave the condiments in the refrigerator and lick an asshole au natural. I believe that this is the way God intended it and I'm not one to question His will, particularly on a matter of such obvious importance.
However, like my interpretation of the Good Word, I'm not one to impose my beliefs on others - especially a woman kind enough to toss my salad. Telling such a woman to eat me with jelly, syrup, neither or both would be like going into her living room and criticizing her drapes. A true gentleman just doesn't do such things.
 I know a great deal about love and I have spent the last four years explaining what I have learned in this space. But this video teaches us things that not even I could. You'll never find love with someone you can't toss salad with. Some might suggest that you can, but I submit to you that such people are dangerous fools.
We also learned something about physiology that I don't think that we could have learned anywhere else. We learned that the anus is "just like a pussy, but the only difference is it's not a pussy," and that's not something that you're likely to pick up in all of the great institutes of learning. If you think they teach a class on this at Harvard, you're sadly mistaken. I checked.
I've longed for someone with whom I share that kind of connection. That person who you might call "The One." It is only when two people can look each other in the eye and wordlessly ask that burning question that they know that they've found a true, lasting love. Who knows? Maybe I'm a just a hopeless romantic.
In case you were wondering, that question is "With jelly or without jelly?"
Video ruthlessly stolen from the Ace of Spades HQ
Easy Listening Recommendation of the Day: Tongue By: R.E.M From: Monster
PermalinkLabels: I'm Through With Love, Life With skippy, Relationship Advice, The Academy of Gentlemanly Studies
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