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Saturday, September 13, 2003
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THE GIRLS OF PORN
My hand gets tired and my dick gets sore
But the girls of porn want more
So I flip through the pages one more time
And I just let the jism fly
-"The Girls of Porn"
Mr. Bungle, 1991
It appears that my recent posts as "Policy Lad" have bored the shit out of everybody but Greeny (You're a good boy, Green). So, in keeping with my long standing policy of giving the people what the want while sharing entirely too much, I've decided to write about the most successful, longest standing relationship in my life. My relationship with pornography.
I can't say enough about pornography. Its always been there for me and for that, I'll always be grateful to those good folks...no, secular saints of the San Fernando valley.
My relationship with pornography began as an awkward, ugly, socially inadequate boy and has continued into my years as an awkward, ugly, socially inadequate old man. Whenever I needed somplace to turn and a free hand, porn was there for me.
I know that several of you are probably asking questions like, "Well, MJ, what about a healthy long term relationship with a woman? You seem smart and funny and, you know, looks don't really matter." I would respond as follows; on point one: you're wrong. On point two: True, but so what? If women want to laugh, they have male friends they don't fuck for that. Guys like...me. On point three: you're either, lying, stupid or so blind to my repulsiveness that your opinion doesn't qualify. And I only get uglier on the inside, too. Mostly, this is my on fault. I always was told (all right, I was told by Playboy's playmate centerfold profile) that beautiful women always wanted a man "with personality." Well, you could've been a little more specific and said you were looking for a man with a good personality! Christ, Charles Manson was FULL of personality and look at the trim he got. Lots and lots of it! Memo to Broads: Don't be so fucking vauge, ok? Thanks.
Thats not to say that I didn't have relationships. I did. I just wasn't that good at maintaining them. Between the ages of 15 and 28, my relationships lasted anywhere between one night and six months. Then I had a five year relationship that I'll cherish forever with a woman in California. The lesson I learned from this relationship is that I'm not so bad...if taken in small doses, kinda like morphine, any more than twice a year and THEN the trouble starts. So, if you're a single, beautiful woman between the ages of 18 and 50 and you live in Jakarta, Indonesia...e-mail me at skippystalin@yahoo.com, I might be your guy. Plus, I hold semi-cool citizenship in a country with very loose immigration standards.
So, I had relationships. But there were dry patches both between and during them. Where does a lonely, backed up, awkward, ugly, socially inadequite boy/old man turn? You guessed it, porn! Over the years, I became quite the conniseuer, too. I own tons of the stuff. Magazines, videos, dirty e-mails, you name it ( I experimented with porn on DVD but it just didn't feel dirty enough. I need my porn to be big, clunky and obvious. God bless you, VHS).
As a conniseuer, I feel a certain social...no, messianic, responsibilty to name for you the top ten porn stars.Besides, a female friend of mine asked me during a phone call who my favourites were a couple of weeks ago and I was at a loss. Granted, these are in no particular order and all strictly my opinion.
They are as follows....
- Rebecca Lord is a beautiful brunette with long, silky hair and the most beautiful eyes on the planet. All-natural-implant-free body that just can't be beat. Plus she gives those "look Ma, no hands" deep-throat blowjobs that every man dies for. And she's French. As much as I loathe the French, I know from personal experience that they sound fantastic getting fucked (If you cared enough to track me down and are reading this, thanks Clara).
-Kobe Tai is an American of Asian (one would guess Thai) extraction. Super cute face and magnificent oral skills. Miss Tai also isn't so snooty that she would say no to anal, you know, if the plot demands it. Another plus is that she's 4'11"...a spinner! On the minus side, bad implants. Over the muscle with obvious scarring along the botom of each breast.
-Rebecca Wild has the most obnoxiously big implants imaginable. Almost disturbingly big, with painful, half-moon scarring around the bottom of each nipple. The tits are even more offset by her thin (yet still beautiful body). Rebecca, though, looks like someone I used to know and really wanted to fuck (and I suspect would've fucked me if she wasn't engaged. Okay, that not true, she told me she wanted to fuck me but I was stoned and stupid). That alone puts her on the list. I'm funny that way, I guess.
-Jeanna Fine has the filthiest mouth in the business. The woman will say the most ridiculous things while getting plowed that I learned that, why yes, you can laugh while masturbating. Plus her eyes tear up while she deep throats and nothing, NOTHING is sexier than that.
- Sylvia Saint is czech and formerly a big star of the European porn set. I've always found Euro-Porn disturbing. Everything ends up being a gang bang. Memo to Euro-Porn producers: If I wanted to see that much cock, I'd be buying gay porn! Sylvia Saint is perhaps the single most beautiful woman ever in porn.
-Juli Ashton has the single most impressive implants I've ever seen by which I mean that I didn't know they were implants until she announced it on television (Ashton co-hosts "Night Calls on Playboy TV). She also used to be an elementary school teacher whose most famous quote is " I don't know, I just always wanted to get fucked in the ass with a lot of people watching." Now, if you have a better fantasy than fucking your hot third grade teacher in the ass while the class watches, I'd like to hear it. That doesn't make me...kinky, does it?
-Vanessa Chase isn't a big star and never got a major contract but has that tiny, cute itallian girl look that kills me. All natural body. And this girl will do anything! Including analingus! Beat that! If your partner won't do that, I suggest you find one who will. Ask on the first date if neccessary. Okay, now I think I'm sharing too much. Sorry.
- Stacey Valentine Beautiful face, acceptable implants given her body type and looks like she's actually having fun. She seems to prefer anal. I can't say enough about that. There was a documentary about her called "The Girl Next Door", which she looks like. 'Nuff said.
- Bettina is a black girl from the Netherlands. Beat that for exotic! Plus she's stunningly beautiful, all natural. Drawback; she's exclusive to Europe (see Saint, Sylvia). But she's just way too pretty to leave off of the list.
- Pamela Anderson is well, Pamela Anderson. I learned many things from her tape, such as A) She looks better without make-up than with, which is rare. B) I love it when horrible things happen to pretty people and C) I don't have the self-esteem to ever date someone who was once with Tommy Lee. I could never satisfy her.
There, I didn't mention politics or anything at all intellectual once. In an odd way, I'm almost proud of myself. Let the bitching begin.
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