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Friday, September 12, 2003
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I GET MAIL (PART TWO)
As the lovely and talented Kilgore Trout is the only person who e-mails or comments, you're going to be hearing a lot from him. Maybe I'll just merge his site with mine. Anyway, here we go.
Hello MJ,
Bang-up job you're doing dissecting an the electoral process happening here in the land of fruity plains and purple mountin' majesties. As an American, I'm proud to say that I'm not quite sure whether we hold elections in odd or even years. I just know that when the Summer Olympics come around it's time to register to vote.
I was wondering if you had seen this article about safe injection havens for junkies in Vancouver, a lifesaving idea that makes too much sense to ever catch on with U.S. federal drug officials. (The article is free, by the way; you just have to watch a short commercial before you get to read it.)
So score another point for Canada, which now appears to be leading the world in common sense production -- gay marriage, rational drug policies, the ability to resist conquering weak countries for reasons of political expediency, and money with beavers and ducks on it.
I've been trying to implement your bright idea to try masturbating with someone else's finger in my butt. None of my friends or coworkers want to participate, however, even when I offer to pay for latex gloves and buy them lunch afterwards. And all the hookers charge extra "for that kinky-ass shit." Any suggestions?
Regards,
Kilgore Trout
Minister of Propaganda, Chaotic Not Random
Kilgore,
Thank you again for your kind words and continued support. My interest in American politics, as you may know, grew out of the lack of hope that I'd ever have actual, regular sex. This Great Fear first consumed me in my early teens and didn't subside until my late twenties. I suppose I felt that if I was more like H.R (Bob) Haldeman, I'd get all the poontang. As with most things, I was wrong.
In addressing the Salon.com article about safe-injection sites, I'd like to start off by saying that that the "War on Drugs" is the most ridiculous public policy initiative imaginable. There is no firm intellectual basis and only a slim moral one for it. Any policy predicated on stopping people from doing things to their own bodies is doomed to failure. On this point, I should tell you that suicide was removed from the Criminal Code of Canada in 1962. Therefore, under Canadian law you can fail a suicide attempt with a knife or (registered) shotgun without legal consequence. However, should you attempt and fail a suicide attempt with a syringe, you potentially face upwards of 7 years in Federal prison under the Narcotics Control Act.
As good of an idea as I believe safe-injection sites to be, the ramifications of them on U.S-Canada relations could be potentially enourmous. Should Canada lose its "Drug War" certification from the American government, any number of border controls and sanctions would be implimented that could have unknown effects on the NAFTA (1993) and U.S/Canada Free Trade Agreements (1989). Added on top of the recent same-sex marriage decision a Canada's incomprehensible stand on the war with Iraq and our pending decriminilisation of marijunna (Note to Tommy Chong: You're a Canadian citizen, you can sell bongs here legally, douchebag), U.S/Canadian relations are now at the lowest point imaginable.
So, as much of a social libertarian as I am, there are far reaching economic and foriegn policy considerations that must be taken into account. Canada is a "progressive" society, true. But the pace of that progress should be tempered with other realities. Canada is rapidly replacing Mexico as the primary point of entry for illeagal drugs into the United States, and as much I wish that ALL drug laws were abolished tomorrow, I recognize that it won't happen that way. In fact, it's likely that Canada's recent policy about-faces may lead the U.S to redouble some of its more absurd positions. You may note that a consitutional ammendment banning gay marriage (which will never,ever,ever pass the required 36 state legislatures) was inconceivable before the Ontario Court of Appeal's ruling on that issue.
Canadians deeply resent the reliance we have on the United States but often fail to consider the ramifications that our social policies could have on a relationship that the nation cannot long survive without.
That was me being Policy Lad. You can understand why it never gets me laid, right? Not that I do much better with dick jokes, but dick jokes are more fun.
On to your lonely rectum. All I can say is, keep looking! Once you find that special someone you'll be glad you did. Never let her go for, verily, a woman who'll help you out in that way is nothing short of a keeper. Best of luck in your Homer-esqe search.
You're Welcome,
MJS
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