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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
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IDLE HANDS: WHY SOCCER IS EVIL
I've always implicitly distrusted soccer as an institution, it's players and it's fans. Mostly this is due to my xenophobia but a lot of it has to do with it's rules. I feel any sport that disallows the use of one's hands should be outlawed.
My North American audience is unfamiliar with the peirls of soccer as decent people are. North Americans are desperately familiar with the sad legacy of criminal activity in professional sports. We live in a time when half of the NFL and about a third of the NBA is under indictment for various felonies.
Crime in soccer is usually reserved for it's fans. This is because soccer fans are criminally insane, much like Australians. The British are so bad that their fans are banned from entering several European countries during the World Cup play-offs. But now the athletes have decided to get into the general havoc. And they've decided to do it in a big way.
Everyone is familar with Kobe Bryant's problems. Soccer players went that extra mile. They went into gang rape. This is what's particularly odd though. In this story, the victim consented to sex with one player and then 7 members of the other team joined in! This would be like if Kobe invited most of the Detroit Pistons starting line up to join in on his alleged assault in Eagle County. Okay, in the spirit of finding something nice to say....You have to admire the sense of spotsmanship, I suppose.
Okay, I know you're thinking "sure, gang rape is bad but you make soccer players sound like terrorists. They can't be that bad, right?"
Wrong!
It appears some soccer players of North African origin have found a group of like minded folks with whom to share their retirement years. You've all heard of it, too. It's called al-Qaeda. YIKES!
Your mother told you that "idle hands are the Devil's workshop." Did you listen? Of course not. You should've.
Because now we must ban soccer outright. We must ban it and deport its players and enthusiasts, including all those annoying, yenta "soccer moms" who got Clinton re-elected in '96.
Women's rights and the national security demand it.
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